Kansas to Allow Schools to Beat Children
“If you hit kids when they’re small, for whatever reason you’re hitting them, you’re planting the idea that it’s OK to use pain to accomplish an end,” he said.
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FDA Approves ‘Pull-Out Method’ for Over the Counter Use
“Asking young teenagers to remember to wear a condom is one thing,” said Woodcock, “but asking them to exercise the kind of self control it takes to use the pull-out method would be disastrous.”
Adult Entertainers Excited Obamacare covers Sex Toys
“Trust me,” she added. “A couple of free blow-up dolls on the taxpayers’ dime are a hell of a lot cheaper than another syphilis outbreak clogging up the ER.”
Obamacare Kills 2, Wounds Dozens in First Week
“The greatest tragedy is that they never made it to the part where they buy insurance,” Secretary Sebelius said. “So they won’t be covered for these injuries.”
D.C. May Decriminalize Pot to Reduce Criminal Convictions, ‘Piss Off Obama’
When asked for comment, Mayor Vincent Gray declined to give his opinion on the legislation for fear of how President Obama, Congress or Wal-Mart would react.
Taliban Enters Peace Talks, Promises To Only Terrorize Women, Infidels
The official admitted that it may take a little while for the Taliban to get up to full terrorist speed. “We can’t be everywhere at once. Who do you think we are – the N.S.A.?”
Congress Proposes Billions in Defense Spending That Pentagon Doesn’t Want
WASHINGTON — In a move intended to shore up both national security and spur job creation, Republican congressman Jim Jordan this week proposed allocating $436 million for improvements to the…
Obama Sure ‘Voicing His Concern’ Will End Syrian Chemical Weapon Attacks
WASHINGTON — In a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Monday, President Obama “voiced his concern” over reports that Syrian government forces have been using chemical weapons on their…
Ray Lewis Optimistic Super Bowl Victory will Make Up for Time He Murdered People
BALTIMORE — Star Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis has expressed confidence that a victory for the Baltimore Ravens in the upcoming Super Bowl XLVII will more than make up for…