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Media

Pat Robertson Unveils Gay-Repelling Necklace

Pat Robertson

“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”

Politics

Congress Unites to Denounce Hello Kitty Revelation

“We might as well throw open the borders, double Obamacare’s funding, and elect a gay Muslim to the White House."

Politics

Rick Perry Indicted for Forging Eyeglass Prescription, Extreme Nearsightedness

A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.

New York Times Calls for Legalization of Weed, Pretentious Columns Covering Weed

ANTI-MARIJUANA ACTIVIST

"Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”

$26 Billion Payout Convinces Teens to Start Smoking

“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”

Rising Vaccine Prices Force Docs to Tell Kids: Polio Will Make You Stronger

Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”

Reinterpretation of Japanese Constitution Allows Japan to Defend Allies Using Talking Robot Dogs

“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.

South Carolina DMV Suspicious of Teen Who Looks Unusually Confident, ‘Put Together’ in Photo ID

“Fine, but can he show the rest of us how to step up our face game?”asked Waterson. “I mean, damn son. Share that lipstick with the less fortunate.”

World

Malaysian Court Rules Non-Muslims Cannot Use the Words ‘Allah,’ Algebra, Hookahs

At press, all the Herald employees had filed for government living assistance after being told they could no longer cash checks.

Infant Incarceration Rates Skyrocket in Florida

Kerry baby

Jason Graines, currently awaiting trial at an Okaloosa County Holding Center, was unavailable for comment, as it was nap time.

US

Walmart Workers Say They’re Jealous of Walmart Slaves

Beer at Walmart in Kissimmee FL

That’s not so different from actually working at my Walmart,” explained Billy Haggerton of Charleston, West Virginia. “Except here it gets deducted from our pay.”

North Korea Detains American Over Bible, 50 Shades of Grey

“The mommy porn, though… yeah, that was probably his,” he added.

Politics

Nation Ambivalent About Negotiating With Terrorists After Sgt. Bergdahl’s Release

“It’s like I had the best sex of my life, but then found out it was with my cousin,” Thompson added. “I feel satisfied and dirty, all at the same time.”

Nation Furious Over VA Delays, Totally Unaware 22 Veterans Committed Suicide Today

“It’s time we start addressing this issue. We need to make our veterans aware that they are appreciated and loved. This Memorial Day, we should all go out and buy a veteran a beer.”

Rick Santorum Admits to Getting a Little Excited Watching Michael Sam’s Draft Day Kiss

Santorum went on to say he’d “prefer to meet after practice. Since I like to get some exercise in myself I figured I could just shower there with the team.”

US

Panera Bread Aims to Reduce Awkwardness of Recognizing Your Cashier from High School

Each location will also include an escape hatch that leads to a sub-basement and a system of tunnels that direct customers safely away from unappetizing small talk about grad-school.

Fox News Stunned That Another Hand-Picked Hero Turned Out to be a Racist

“It’s just devastating to learn that another patriot for the American way of life is actually just a racist,” said Steve Doocy on Thursday’s “Fox & Friends.” “I think I now know how Asians feel when one of their children turns into a C-student.”

Members of NYPD’s Demographics Unit Find Islam After Spying on Muslims

Kelly claims that the information gleaned by informants known as “mosque crawlers,” who surveilled religious sermons for the department, completely changed his thinking on Islam.

First Gay Hug (A Homophobic Experiment) | First Kiss Video

You won't believe what happens when these two are put in a room…..

#NNTS: Enraged radio host Mark Levin hangs up on atheist guest: ‘You have no tolerance!’

“The problem that some of you atheists have is you’re intolerant. You’re intolerant. And you’re a punk. So, get lost. Get out of here.”

Westboro Baptist Church Preparing to Picket Founder’s Funeral

"Terribly ironic that his devotion to his god ends this way,” he said. “Destroyed by the monster he made."

Media

CNN Goes Full Throttle Speculating It Is ‘Most Trusted Name in Speculation’

He reminds viewers to “Check local listings for airtimes of upcoming specials. Or, better yet, don’t look it up. Just trust us.”

Trump Nixes Run for N.Y. Governor, Fears Negative Comparison with Intelligent Human Opponent

Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore

ALBANY, N.Y. – Donald Trump took to the Twitterverse this week to announce that he would not be running for governor of New York, citing his fear of “competing against…

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