“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
“We might as well throw open the borders, double Obamacare’s funding, and elect a gay Muslim to the White House.”
A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.
“Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”
“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”
Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”
“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“
“The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.