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Posts by tag

news humor

251 posts
  • Media

Pat Robertson Unveils Gay-Repelling Necklace

  • June 15, 2017
  • News Lo
Pat Robertson
“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
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  • Politics

Congress Unites to Denounce Hello Kitty Revelation

  • August 29, 2014
  • News Lo
“We might as well throw open the borders, double Obamacare’s funding, and elect a gay Muslim to the White House."
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  • Politics

Rick Perry Indicted for Forging Eyeglass Prescription, Extreme Nearsightedness

  • August 17, 2014
  • News Lo
A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.
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  • Media
  • Today's Headlines

New York Times Calls for Legalization of Weed, Pretentious Columns Covering Weed

  • July 28, 2014
  • News Lo
ANTI-MARIJUANA ACTIVIST
"Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US

$26 Billion Payout Convinces Teens to Start Smoking

  • July 22, 2014
  • News Lo
“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Rising Vaccine Prices Force Docs to Tell Kids: Polio Will Make You Stronger

  • July 14, 2014
  • News Lo
Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • World

Reinterpretation of Japanese Constitution Allows Japan to Defend Allies Using Talking Robot Dogs

  • July 10, 2014
  • News Lo
“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“
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  • New York
  • Today's Headlines

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

  • July 3, 2014
  • News Lo
"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.
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  • Today's Headlines
  • Uncategorized
  • US

South Carolina DMV Suspicious of Teen Who Looks Unusually Confident, ‘Put Together’ in Photo ID

  • June 26, 2014
  • News Lo
“Fine, but can he show the rest of us how to step up our face game?”asked Waterson. “I mean, damn son. Share that lipstick with the less fortunate.”
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  • World

Malaysian Court Rules Non-Muslims Cannot Use the Words ‘Allah,’ Algebra, Hookahs

  • June 25, 2014
  • News Lo
At press, all the Herald employees had filed for government living assistance after being told they could no longer cash checks.
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Infant Incarceration Rates Skyrocket in Florida

  • June 25, 2014
  • News Lo
Kerry baby
Jason Graines, currently awaiting trial at an Okaloosa County Holding Center, was unavailable for comment, as it was nap time.
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  • US

Walmart Workers Say They’re Jealous of Walmart Slaves

  • June 10, 2014
  • News Lo
Beer at Walmart in Kissimmee FL
That’s not so different from actually working at my Walmart,” explained Billy Haggerton of Charleston, West Virginia. “Except here it gets deducted from our pay.”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • World

North Korea Detains American Over Bible, 50 Shades of Grey

  • June 9, 2014
  • News Lo
“The mommy porn, though… yeah, that was probably his,” he added.
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  • Politics

Nation Ambivalent About Negotiating With Terrorists After Sgt. Bergdahl’s Release

  • June 1, 2014
  • News Lo
“It’s like I had the best sex of my life, but then found out it was with my cousin,” Thompson added. “I feel satisfied and dirty, all at the same time.”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Nation Furious Over VA Delays, Totally Unaware 22 Veterans Committed Suicide Today

  • May 25, 2014
  • News Lo
“It’s time we start addressing this issue. We need to make our veterans aware that they are appreciated and loved. This Memorial Day, we should all go out and buy a veteran a beer.”
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  • Sports
  • Today's Headlines

Rick Santorum Admits to Getting a Little Excited Watching Michael Sam’s Draft Day Kiss

  • May 11, 2014
  • News Lo
Santorum went on to say he’d “prefer to meet after practice. Since I like to get some exercise in myself I figured I could just shower there with the team.”
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  • US

Panera Bread Aims to Reduce Awkwardness of Recognizing Your Cashier from High School

  • May 7, 2014
  • News Lo
Each location will also include an escape hatch that leads to a sub-basement and a system of tunnels that direct customers safely away from unappetizing small talk about grad-school.
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  • Media
  • Today's Headlines

Fox News Stunned That Another Hand-Picked Hero Turned Out to be a Racist

  • April 24, 2014
  • News Lo
“It’s just devastating to learn that another patriot for the American way of life is actually just a racist,” said Steve Doocy on Thursday’s “Fox & Friends.” “I think I now know how Asians feel when one of their children turns into a C-student.”
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  • New York
  • Today's Headlines

Members of NYPD’s Demographics Unit Find Islam After Spying on Muslims

  • April 23, 2014
  • News Lo
Kelly claims that the information gleaned by informants known as “mosque crawlers,” who surveilled religious sermons for the department, completely changed his thinking on Islam.
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US
  • Video

First Gay Hug (A Homophobic Experiment) | First Kiss Video

  • March 20, 2014
  • News Lo
You won't believe what happens when these two are put in a room…..
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  • NoNeedToSatirize
  • Today's Headlines

#NNTS: Enraged radio host Mark Levin hangs up on atheist guest: ‘You have no tolerance!’

  • March 18, 2014
  • News Lo
“The problem that some of you atheists have is you’re intolerant. You’re intolerant. And you’re a punk. So, get lost. Get out of here.”
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  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Westboro Baptist Church Preparing to Picket Founder’s Funeral

  • March 18, 2014
  • News Lo
"Terribly ironic that his devotion to his god ends this way,” he said. “Destroyed by the monster he made."
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  • Media

CNN Goes Full Throttle Speculating It Is ‘Most Trusted Name in Speculation’

  • March 17, 2014
  • News Lo
He reminds viewers to “Check local listings for airtimes of upcoming specials. Or, better yet, don’t look it up. Just trust us.”
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  • New York
  • Today's Headlines

Trump Nixes Run for N.Y. Governor, Fears Negative Comparison with Intelligent Human Opponent

  • March 17, 2014
  • News Lo
Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore
ALBANY, N.Y. – Donald Trump took to the Twitterverse this week to announce that he would not be running for governor of New York, citing his fear of “competing against…
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