“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
“We might as well throw open the borders, double Obamacare’s funding, and elect a gay Muslim to the White House.”
A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.
“Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”
“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”
Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”
“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“
“The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.
“Fine, but can he show the rest of us how to step up our face game?”asked Waterson. “I mean, damn son. Share that lipstick with the less fortunate.”
At press, all the Herald employees had filed for government living assistance after being told they could no longer cash checks.
Jason Graines, currently awaiting trial at an Okaloosa County Holding Center, was unavailable for comment, as it was nap time.
That’s not so different from actually working at my Walmart,” explained Billy Haggerton of Charleston, West Virginia. “Except here it gets deducted from our pay.”
“The mommy porn, though… yeah, that was probably his,” he added.
“It’s like I had the best sex of my life, but then found out it was with my cousin,” Thompson added. “I feel satisfied and dirty, all at the same time.”
“It’s time we start addressing this issue. We need to make our veterans aware that they are appreciated and loved. This Memorial Day, we should all go out and buy a veteran a beer.”
Santorum went on to say he’d “prefer to meet after practice. Since I like to get some exercise in myself I figured I could just shower there with the team.”
Each location will also include an escape hatch that leads to a sub-basement and a system of tunnels that direct customers safely away from unappetizing small talk about grad-school.
“It’s just devastating to learn that another patriot for the American way of life is actually just a racist,” said Steve Doocy on Thursday’s “Fox & Friends.” “I think I now know how Asians feel when one of their children turns into a C-student.”
Kelly claims that the information gleaned by informants known as “mosque crawlers,” who surveilled religious sermons for the department, completely changed his thinking on Islam.
You won’t believe what happens when these two are put in a room…..
“The problem that some of you atheists have is you’re intolerant. You’re intolerant. And you’re a punk. So, get lost. Get out of here.”
“Terribly ironic that his devotion to his god ends this way,” he said. “Destroyed by the monster he made.”
He reminds viewers to “Check local listings for airtimes of upcoming specials. Or, better yet, don’t look it up. Just trust us.”
ALBANY, N.Y. – Donald Trump took to the Twitterverse this week to announce that he would not be running for governor of New York, citing his fear of “competing against an actual human being for public office.” Perhaps this is a wise move for Trump, who, along with Republican candidate Rob Astorino, trailed incumbent governor Andrew Cuomo by 40 percentage points in…