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Pat Robertson Unveils Gay-Repelling Necklace

Pat Robertson

“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”

Congress Unites to Denounce Hello Kitty Revelation 1

2 min

Politics

Congress Unites to Denounce Hello Kitty Revelation

“We might as well throw open the borders, double Obamacare’s funding, and elect a gay Muslim to the White House."

Rick Perry Indicted for Forging Eyeglass Prescription, Extreme Nearsightedness 2

2 min

Politics

Rick Perry Indicted for Forging Eyeglass Prescription, Extreme Nearsightedness

A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.

New York Times Calls for Legalization of Weed, Pretentious Columns Covering Weed 3

2 min

New York Times Calls for Legalization of Weed, Pretentious Columns Covering Weed

"Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”

$26 Billion Payout Convinces Teens to Start Smoking 4

2 min

$26 Billion Payout Convinces Teens to Start Smoking

“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”

Rising Vaccine Prices Force Docs to Tell Kids: Polio Will Make You Stronger 5

2 min

Rising Vaccine Prices Force Docs to Tell Kids: Polio Will Make You Stronger

Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”

Reinterpretation of Japanese Constitution Allows Japan to Defend Allies Using Talking Robot Dogs 6

2 min

Reinterpretation of Japanese Constitution Allows Japan to Defend Allies Using Talking Robot Dogs

“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx 7

2 min

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.

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