Rival Networks Jealous of CNN’s Free Publicity for Pro-Rapist Remarks

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STEUBENVILLE, Ohio — Cable news network executives are doing some serious soul-searching this week after rival network CNN capitalized on unprofessional and offensive pro-rapist comments by their on-air personalities at the verdict of the horrific Stubenville teenage rape case, turning these unprofessional and widely-criticized remarks into ratings gold. “When I first heard [CNN anchor] Candy [Crowley] voice sympathy for the two boys,…

Chuck Hagel Announces “Drone Leaderboard” Program

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WASHINGTON — On the heels of the recent controversy surrounding a report that a new medal awarded to drone operators may outrank other military accolades such as the Purple Heart and Bronze Star, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has come forward to propose an alternative. “To allay concerns and answer questions raised as a result of controversy over the new medal, from this…

Eric Holder Threatens Entire Family with Drone Strikes

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WASHINGTON – “It’ll probably happen around Easter,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder in a letter to Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY). “I mean, I can’t say that it’ll definitely happen, but if it were going to happen, I think I’d feel an imminent threat around Easter.” Talking on drone strikes and the use of executive authority to assassinate U.S. citizens Holder told…

Syrian Civil War Causes Flight Delays at Damascus’ Airport

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DAMASCUS — The heavy bombardment of targets near Damascus International Airport by Syrian warplanes this week has led to major travel delays for Westerners seeking to return home from their annual Middle East getaways. “They warned us to cancel our vacation here,” said Lars Skalnes, a German fashion designer whose Lufthansa flight had been delayed several hours due to a suicide bombing…

Westboro Baptists Diagnosed with Dyslexia; ‘Actually Pretty Nice People,’ Say Doctors

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TOPEKA, Kans. — Several leading members of the much-maligned Westboro Baptist Church have been diagnosed with a form of dyslexia, a condition which hinders spelling ability and helps to explain the inflammatory signs the group is known for displaying at military funerals and other public events. Said one doctor who examined the group: “They’re actually pretty nice people, just totally, horrifically confused.”…

CIA to Auction off Photos of Bin Laden’s Corpse

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LANGLEY, Va. — According to sources, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) will reverse its policy of withholding images taken of Osama Bin Laden’s corpse as soon as they “find the right buyer.” The photographs—which were taken after the al Qaeda leader was killed in a May 2011 special ops raid—depict Bin Laden’s bullet-strewn face and body, and have become the object of…

Republicans Offer to Replace Sequester with Amendment Repealing Roe V. Wade

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WASHINGTON — Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced the GOP’s official offer to solve the approaching financial debacle of the sequester by passing a Constitutional Amendment that would immediately repeal Roe V. Wade. “The President’s reckless fiscal policies have once again brought America to the brink of ruin, this time with the onslaught of the Barack Obama Memorial Budget…

Study: GOP Senators Literally Drunk on Filibuster

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WASHINGTON – According to a new study, Republican senators are now literally, physiologically drunk on power after years of using the so-called filibuster rule to block votes on bills they do not support. Filibustering—which prevents a vote from occurring by exploiting the Senatorial rule allowing lawmakers unlimited speaking time—has been used with unprecedented frequency in recent years, and GOP senators are now…