Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Famous Actor Comes Out as Straight

LOS ANGELES — Actor Damian Lewis, star of the popular TV show Homeland, has shocked Hollywood and officially come out as straight. The actor made his announcement Friday morning to a puzzled audience of friends, family and reporters. While most viewers know the actor only as his Homeland character Nicholas Brody, those close to Lewis have known about his heterosexuality for decades.…

McCain Willing to Trade Hagel Confirmation for Sleepover at White House

WASHINGTON — Earlier this week, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) announced he had “significant doubts” about Obama’s choice of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb) for the Secretary of Defense position. Since then, however, McCain’s opposition appears to have softened considerably after closed-door talks with President Obama. While most experts assumed that the GOP was using Hagel’s appointment as a bargaining chip for spending cuts,…

Entire Mall Cringes at Opening Notes of “Santa Baby”

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CINCINNATI — It’s that time of the year again when the corridors of America’s malls and public spaces fill with Christmas music. But not all holiday carols are welcome. The shoppers at Cincinnati’s Northgate Mall reportedly uttered a collective cringe Sunday as the opening notes of “Santa Baby” came over the loudspeaker. “Ugh, it’s so gross,” shuddered Piercing Pagoda employee Kyla Mathers.…