Police Chief Deputizes, Arms Detroit’s Remaining Residents
Opening the doors to the city’s armory, he continued, “If you don’t think we can handle the job, do it yourselves.”
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Newslo humor and satire
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Fox Names Stuart Varney Climate Change Hero for ‘Global Cooling’ Theory
“This is a total game-changer,” said Charles Payne, Varney’s co-host. “When I saw that ship stuck in ice, I thought, ‘My God—Stuart’s been right all along! The Earth is getting colder!’ That’s when I knew he should be recognized for his amazing insight.”
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Oklahoma GOP Call Plan for School Tornado Shelters ‘Interfering with God’s Will’
“I would say just by suggesting we take measures to save the lives of those God has damned is pretty darned presumptuous,” said Governor Fallin. “He has a plan for us all, and you better be damned sure it does not involve raising the corporate tax rate.”
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Number of NSA Applicants Doubles Following Porn Disclosure
It remains speculative if the pornography revelations and employment applications are connected, but reporters managed to catch up with one applicant who spoke of his sense of duty.
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Netanyahu Blasts America for Allowing Thanksgiving to ‘Take Over’ Hanukkah
“It’s bad enough that most gentiles already think of Hanukkah as nothing more than Christmas for the Jews. Now the Jewish people have to contend with another made up holiday,” complained Netanyahu.
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Limbaugh: Mass Suicide is Best Loophole to Avoid Obamacare
However, Limbaugh said that he would not lead the charge in people killing themselves as “that’s what Obama and Democrats would want,” and explained that he is “going to stay alive just to fight for everyone that died protesting Obamacare.”
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Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers
WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin…
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Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections – George of Her Jungle!
Dear Pissed Connections, I just started dating this total hottie and we’ve been taking things slow. Last night she finally invited me upstairs into her apartment, and I was thrilled.…
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Famous Actor Comes Out as Straight
LOS ANGELES — Actor Damian Lewis, star of the popular TV show Homeland, has shocked Hollywood and officially come out as straight. The actor made his announcement Friday morning to…
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McCain Willing to Trade Hagel Confirmation for Sleepover at White House
WASHINGTON — Earlier this week, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) announced he had “significant doubts” about Obama’s choice of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb) for the Secretary of Defense position. Since then,…
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Entire Mall Cringes at Opening Notes of “Santa Baby”
CINCINNATI — It’s that time of the year again when the corridors of America’s malls and public spaces fill with Christmas music. But not all holiday carols are welcome. The…
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