GOP Congressman Steve King Claims He’s Never Heard the Phrase ‘Black People’
“Frankly,” King continued, “I suspect that this phrase was invented by the left just to make me look bad, somehow.”
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Newslo Humor
25 posts
Exterminator Jailed for Animal Cruelty
In addition to rats, Arnold’s alleged victims include mice, cockroaches, stinkbugs, weevils, and at least one syphilitic horse.
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#NNTS: Fox News Guest Thinks World Cup is Meant to be Distraction from Obama’s Problems
Host Harris Faulkner replied, “They set these schedules years ago. It’s not like they lined it up with current events of the world.”
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New Law Allows Protests Inside Abortion Clinic Operating Rooms
“Women deserve to know all of the options available to them,” said Allie Renalds, spokesperson of the Pro-Life Protestors League, “up until the actual procedure itself.”
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US Promises ‘Immediate Assistance’ to American Journalist Scratched While Reporting on Kidnapping of Over 230 Nigerian Girls
At press time, Andrews is said to have received her bandages and reassignment to the Malaysia Airlines story.
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Merger Questioned, Comcast Tells F.C.C. to Expect Response ‘Sometime in 2015-2025 Timeframe’
"Answers your questions will be made available in approximately one to 26 years."
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Cheerios, Starbucks Withdraw Sponsorship of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’
Now facing the loss of another major underwriter, MSNBC president Phil Griffin tried to repair the damage and retain the backing of Cheerios as part of their complete breakfast spread of sponsors.
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Bachmann, GOP Pledge to Continue Hurting Americans Until Obamacare Repealed
“But last I looked, Obamacare is still a law. So more Americans must be hurt. And hurt badly.”
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Hannity to Leave Internet Over Cuomo’s Mean Tweet
"But when I saw [Governor] Cuomo’s tweet bad-mouthing conservatives like me.. well I can’t wait to leave the Internet once and for all. I really can’t.”
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Bloomberg Refuses Mayor De Blasio’s Snowstorm Precautions, Gets Buried In Own Home
“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”
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Lesson Learned, U.S. Sends WMDs to Iraq before Reinvading
Continued Rumsfeld, “These circumstances were a complete unknown at the time we were waging the original offensive in Iraq. But some Christmas wishes really do come true.”
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GOP Voters Call Science a ‘Ridiculous Leap of Faith’
Michael Crane said that for him, such proof could only come from one source. “Until my pastor says evolution is real, I will keep questioning the validity of so-called science,” Crane said. “It would be intellectually lazy to do otherwise.”
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Uganda Deals Crippling Blow to Homosexual Recruiting
“It’s getting harder and harder to lure children away from the straight lifestyle,” Roberts added. “Putin’s got Russia on lockdown, and you can forget about China. Even if we could get into North Korea, would we want to?”
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Bill O’Reilly: “Food Stamps Are Actually A Sin Since Most Poor People Are Drug Addicts”
The Fox News host acknowledged that Christ would have fed the poor, but objected to the idea that he would have “hurt” richer Americans to help feed them.
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Number of NSA Applicants Doubles Following Porn Disclosure
It remains speculative if the pornography revelations and employment applications are connected, but reporters managed to catch up with one applicant who spoke of his sense of duty.
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TV Racing Print to Obsolescence
Nothing, it seemed, could beat “the print sprint” to extinction as modern technology loomed over it.
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Americans More Upset about Death of Animated Dog Than Those Lost in Storms, Floods
“Family Guy” executive producer recently told E! News that he and his team “always make choices that always work to the greatest benefit of the series,” and he thought Brian’s death “could be a fun way to shake things up.”
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Philippines Offers Aid to US Holiday Travelers Affected by Winter Storm
“We’ve been living out of our suitcases next to a Starbucks for almost a day now,” Jones explained “It’s been rough on all of us.”
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Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”
LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of…
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Martin Luther King, Jr. Founded the Modern GOP, Says Modern GOP
WASHINGTON — A newly released biography of Martin Luther King Jr. penned collaboratively by prominent Republican politicians and pundits has revealed some surprising facts about the late civil rights leader’s…
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Gun Group Greets New Residents; Arms Them
PINELLAS, Fla. — A group of friendly gun owners living in the gated community of Kenilworth Estates have formed a committee that welcomes new neighbors to the development with a…
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Palin Leaves FOX for Wendy’s to Better Spread Word, Mayo
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — In a stunning announcement today, former Half-Term Alaskan Governor and Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin informed Anchorage resident Walter Gibbons that the Spicy Chicken Go Wrap he…
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Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment
WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America:…
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Alumni of Abstinence Only Education Either Parents or Liars
JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin…
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