“Frankly,” King continued, “I suspect that this phrase was invented by the left just to make me look bad, somehow.”
In addition to rats, Arnold’s alleged victims include mice, cockroaches, stinkbugs, weevils, and at least one syphilitic horse.
Host Harris Faulkner replied, “They set these schedules years ago. It’s not like they lined it up with current events of the world.”
“Women deserve to know all of the options available to them,” said Allie Renalds, spokesperson of the Pro-Life Protestors League, “up until the actual procedure itself.”
At press time, Andrews is said to have received her bandages and reassignment to the Malaysia Airlines story.
“Answers your questions will be made available in approximately one to 26 years.”
Now facing the loss of another major underwriter, MSNBC president Phil Griffin tried to repair the damage and retain the backing of Cheerios as part of their complete breakfast spread of sponsors.
“But last I looked, Obamacare is still a law. So more Americans must be hurt. And hurt badly.”
“But when I saw [Governor] Cuomo’s tweet bad-mouthing conservatives like me.. well I can’t wait to leave the Internet once and for all. I really can’t.”
“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”
Continued Rumsfeld, “These circumstances were a complete unknown at the time we were waging the original offensive in Iraq. But some Christmas wishes really do come true.”
Michael Crane said that for him, such proof could only come from one source. “Until my pastor says evolution is real, I will keep questioning the validity of so-called science,” Crane said. “It would be intellectually lazy to do otherwise.”
“It’s getting harder and harder to lure children away from the straight lifestyle,” Roberts added. “Putin’s got Russia on lockdown, and you can forget about China. Even if we could get into North Korea, would we want to?”
The Fox News host acknowledged that Christ would have fed the poor, but objected to the idea that he would have “hurt” richer Americans to help feed them.
It remains speculative if the pornography revelations and employment applications are connected, but reporters managed to catch up with one applicant who spoke of his sense of duty.
Nothing, it seemed, could beat “the print sprint” to extinction as modern technology loomed over it.
“Family Guy” executive producer recently told E! News that he and his team “always make choices that always work to the greatest benefit of the series,” and he thought Brian’s death “could be a fun way to shake things up.”
“We’ve been living out of our suitcases next to a Starbucks for almost a day now,” Jones explained “It’s been rough on all of us.”
LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of all ages to explore their inner Kim, Khloe or Kourtney through dolls, doll accessories and fashion. The Kardashians have built an empire with their reality show and its spinoffs, their own clothing…
WASHINGTON — A newly released biography of Martin Luther King Jr. penned collaboratively by prominent Republican politicians and pundits has revealed some surprising facts about the late civil rights leader’s political views. The biography, titled MLK: Father of the Modern GOP, is a compilation of writings from Republican figures like Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity, which analyze King’s speeches and…
PINELLAS, Fla. — A group of friendly gun owners living in the gated community of Kenilworth Estates have formed a committee that welcomes new neighbors to the development with a gift basket that contains local maps, coupons to nearby restaurants, and semi-automatic weapons. The program, called the Welcome Magnum Committee, has proven quite popular, and has been gaining attention nationally. “The name…
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — In a stunning announcement today, former Half-Term Alaskan Governor and Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin informed Anchorage resident Walter Gibbons that the Spicy Chicken Go Wrap he had ordered would be slightly delayed because of Obamacare and Palin’s need to restock the cheddar cheese. “She was pretty upset to find the cheddar cheese bin empty,” said Gibbons. “One moment…
WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…
JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin conceived her first child during her junior year of high school, well after she completed the required sex-ed course. She believes that the introduction of an all-inclusive sexual health curriculum that covers…