Drone Strike Accidentally Kills Al Qaeda Leader

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LANGLEY, Va. — U.S. officials are shocked that a recent drone strike actually killed its intended target, Al Qaeda’s deputy leader, Abu Yahya al-libi. “I don’t know what happened,” said CIA spokesperson James Petrie.  “We were aiming at him, and we hit him.  I don’t think any of us saw that coming.” Since 2004, the United States has launched hundreds of drone…

Jews Reignite War on Christmas with Terrible Golem

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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Members of the Jewish community came together this morning to announce a renewal of the annual War on Christmas, this time summoning a terrible Golem – the fabled creature of Talmudic lore – to help them achieve their destruction of the Christian lifestyle. Historically, the Golem has been created as a protector of the Jewish people. However, Rabbi Benjamin…

Obama Visits Newtown for Healing Photo Op

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NEWTOWN, Conn. — President Obama visited grief stricken Newtown, CT, today to offer sincere condolences to the families of the victims of last week’s school shooting, and insincere pledges to sort of start a national conversation of maybe doing something about guns sometime in the near or preferably far future but certainly not now. “My fellow Americans” the president said to a…

“Stop Telling Us We’re Disappearing” Pleads Existentially Panicked Middle Class

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NEW YORK — Following a decade-long barrage of reports and stump speeches arguing the American middle class is disappearing, middle-income professionals across the country are begging news outlets and politicians to stop calling their existence into question. According to Jay Daniels, a 42-year-old middle school physical education teacher from Manlius, New York, the media’s frequent assertions that he is disappearing have left him reconsidering everything he thought he knew about life. “I have…

Ron Paul to Create Libertarian Paradise in South Texas

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GALVESTON, Texas — As Ron Paul’s final session of Congress draws to an end, the longtime champion of personal liberty is ready to devote his efforts to new challenges. Insiders say Paul plans to devote a great deal of time to what is being called “the Proto-Civilization,” an isolated libertarian enclave in the plains of south Texas, preparing to start our country anew…