Newslo Political humor

Politics

Romney Campaign Goes on Fact-Free Diet Until Election Day

CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but…

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Politics

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite…

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Politics

Obama Assures Beleaguered Nation That, “The Spam Can End”

WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the…

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Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have…

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Media

American Heart Association Anticipating Matt Drudge Heart Attack On Election Day

DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election…

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Media

Minaj Eats Mariah’s Face On Camera While Screaming, “I’m a Motherfucking Monsta!”

LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between…

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Media

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving…

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Media

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a…

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New York

Progressive Art Teacher Prefers Term “African-American Pencils”

BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning…

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Politics

Romney Camp Looking to Trade Lindsay Lohan For Neil Patrick Harris & Eva Longoria

WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva…

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World

Saudi Woman Receives Death Penalty For Over-Seasoning Hummus

SAFWAH, Saudi Arabia– Saudi housewife Taja Al-Kazaz will be publicly executed in Deera Square following allegations that the suburban homemaker added too much pepper to a particular bowl of hummus.…

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Conspiracy Theorists Fear Romney Victory Will Put Them Out of Business

WASHINGTON – A Newslo voter poll of conspiracy theorists shows an abrupt change in perception since the first presidential debate last week. Fervent believers in baseless theories about President Obama…

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Politics

“Times are Tough” Says Man Speaking to $20,000-a-Plate Crowd

ATLANTA — The nation’s crippling economic downturn has ushered in unprecedented levels of unemployment, home foreclosure, and bankruptcy. No one understands the pain of average Americans struggling with hunger, joblessness,…

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Politics

CIA Resorts to Stealing Citizens’ Identities After Budget Cuts

LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund…

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Teen Sues Facebook, Claims “Like” Button Ended Friendship

WINONA, Mich. — 17-year-old Sara Watkins has filed suit against popular social network Facebook for personal damages, after the collapse of her relationship with former BFF Michaela Karem. Watkins cites…

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