CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but we were still feeling really sluggish in the polls,” said Romney. “Just low energy, you know?” But if the Romney campaign was going to be at its best, it had to cut…
WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…
WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the President on Tuesday ignited a real glimmer of hope for the future. “I will never stop spamming,” Obama said firmly, “but, from this point forward, anyone who donates to my campaign will…
GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…
DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election day. This type of good will is outside of the AHA’s normal procedures, but executives believe that given Drudge’s influence over the media, the move is essential for the well-being of American…
LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between the two divas was first reported earlier in October, with Minaj allegedly calling the Grammy award-winning Carey a “bitch” during the early rounds of the show’s eleventh season. According to insiders, the…
LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…
NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…
BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning at the Greenpoint Waldorf School serve to remind us that the quest for racial harmony is far from over. According to school administrators, art teacher Miss Amber was shocked to overhear second-grader…
WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…
SAFWAH, Saudi Arabia– Saudi housewife Taja Al-Kazaz will be publicly executed in Deera Square following allegations that the suburban homemaker added too much pepper to a particular bowl of hummus. As a result, the pita dip her husband and six children were supposed to enjoy as an appetizer last Friday was ruined. By the end of the 48-second trial Al-Kazaz was found…
WASHINGTON – A Newslo voter poll of conspiracy theorists shows an abrupt change in perception since the first presidential debate last week. Fervent believers in baseless theories about President Obama have now become his largest supporters, having realized that a Romney victory will rob their lives of any purpose. This shift in a key element of the Republican voting base will hugely…
ATLANTA — The nation’s crippling economic downturn has ushered in unprecedented levels of unemployment, home foreclosure, and bankruptcy. No one understands the pain of average Americans struggling with hunger, joblessness, and underemployment better than the $20,000-a-plate crowd that packed the Atlanta Sheraton ballroom on Sunday night to hear Democratic Senator John Barrow speak. “Times are tough,” said Barrow to the besieged elites…
LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has…
WINONA, Mich. — 17-year-old Sara Watkins has filed suit against popular social network Facebook for personal damages, after the collapse of her relationship with former BFF Michaela Karem. Watkins cites Facebook’s “like” feature as the cause of the friendship’s demise. On Friday, September 21, Karem took to Facebook to relay the sad news of her beloved Yorkshire terrier’s death after a three-year…
