Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…

Minaj Eats Mariah’s Face On Camera While Screaming, “I’m a Motherfucking Monsta!”

minaj carey 2

LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between the two divas was first reported earlier in October, with Minaj allegedly calling the Grammy award-winning Carey a “bitch” during the early rounds of the show’s eleventh season. According to insiders, the…

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

drunk driving 2

LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…