Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…

Minaj Eats Mariah’s Face On Camera While Screaming, “I’m a Motherfucking Monsta!”

Minaj-carey

LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between the two divas was first reported earlier in October, with Minaj allegedly calling the Grammy award-winning Carey a “bitch” during the early rounds of the show’s eleventh season. According to insiders, the…

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

Drunk-driving

LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…

Progressive Art Teacher Prefers Term “African-American Pencils”

BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning at the Greenpoint Waldorf School serve to remind us that the quest for racial harmony is far from over. According to school administrators, art teacher Miss Amber was shocked to overhear second-grader…

Romney Camp Looking to Trade Lindsay Lohan For Neil Patrick Harris & Eva Longoria

WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…

“Times are Tough” Says Man Speaking to $20,000-a-Plate Crowd

ATLANTA — The nation’s crippling economic downturn has ushered in unprecedented levels of unemployment, home foreclosure, and bankruptcy. No one understands the pain of average Americans struggling with hunger, joblessness, and underemployment better than the $20,000-a-plate crowd that packed the Atlanta Sheraton ballroom on Sunday night to hear Democratic Senator John Barrow speak. “Times are tough,” said Barrow to the besieged elites…

CIA Resorts to Stealing Citizens’ Identities After Budget Cuts

LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has…

Teen Sues Facebook, Claims “Like” Button Ended Friendship

WINONA, Mich. — 17-year-old Sara Watkins has filed suit against popular social network Facebook for personal damages, after the collapse of her relationship with former BFF Michaela Karem. Watkins cites Facebook’s “like” feature as the cause of the friendship’s demise. On Friday, September 21, Karem took to Facebook to relay the sad news of her beloved Yorkshire terrier’s death after a three-year…