Political Facebook Users Unsure What To Post After Election
MENLO PARK, Calif. — In a last-minute scramble before the election results came in, millions of Facebook idiots were trying to figure out what to post as a status once…
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Congress Throws $10m Party to Celebrate 8% Rise in Approval Ratings
WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to…
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Syria Agrees to “Take a Breather From All the Murders” During Next Week’s “X Factor”
DAMASCUS, Syria – President Bashar al-Assad and the rebels fighting to oust him agreed last week to a ceasefire during the Muslim holiday Eid al-Adha, which celebrates the end of…
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Cops Shoot Unarmed Black Kid, Reporters Ask Parents For Most Thugged Out Picture
BRONX, N.Y. — Just minutes after NYPD officers shot and killed an unarmed 16-year-old teen in the Bronx, reporters showed up at his family’s home and asked for “the most…
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The NRA Announces New “Guns for Girls” Program
WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for…
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Romney Concession Speech Leaked
BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans, I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to…
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Voters Back Romney, Just to See a Chris Matthews Meltdown
NEW YORK — Chris Matthews’ explosive meltdown after the first Presidential debate in Denver was not only shocking, but also incredibly entertaining. Matthew’s hair was ruffled. His eyes were so…
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Sean Hannity’s Apocalyptic Narrative of an Obama Reelection
NEW YORK — In preparation for a close election one of FOX News’s most extreme pundits and commentators, Sean Hannity, is hard at work constructing his narrative for a possible…
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Weary Nation Loses Interest In Election
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Having finally been broken by months of incessant media coverage, the American people no longer really care who wins the presidential election anymore. Although election…
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Gov Christie Goes The Extra Mile, Donates His Pants to Create Tents for Families in Need
SEASIDE, N.J. — From the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has arisen as a heroic leader, receiving praise and gratitude from Democrats and Republicans alike. Governor…
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Romney Makes Major Gaffe, Accidentally Endorses Human Rights
CLEVELAND — New leaked footage of presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals the shocking discovery that he may actually support basic human rights. The video, which prompted five Fox News reporters…
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Majority of Undecided Voters Think Election Is Next Year
WASHINGTON — A new Gallup poll has revealed that more than 80% of undecided voters actually think the election is in 2013. “I had absolutely no idea the presidential election…
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CNN Replaces Reporting With Expensive Technology
NEW YORK — CNN has previously employed the “magic wall” – a giant iPad-like screen, a Will.i.am hologram, and intensive Twitter analysis in order to boost its election coverage. Rumors…
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Donald Trump Gets Involved In 8th Grade Election, Accuses 12 Year-Old of Being a Socialist
NEW YORK — Donald Trump is preparing for the end of the 2012 presidential election by getting involved in more local races. The mastermind behind “The Apprentice” and innovator in…
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Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President
WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite…
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Obama Assures Beleaguered Nation That, “The Spam Can End”
WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the…
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Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice
GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have…
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Midtown Hot Dog Stand Refers To Self as ‘Food Truck,’ Enjoys Sudden Foodie Acclaim
NEW YORK — Jose Gutierrez, age 56, has been selling hot dogs from his food cart on Central Park South for almost fifteen years. While business was always steady enough…
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