Congress Throws $10m Party to Celebrate 8% Rise in Approval Ratings

WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September.  The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…

The NRA Announces New “Guns for Girls” Program

WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for Girls” program targeted at addressing this issue. Shocked by the fact that 1/3 of women in the world will experience some form of violence during their lives, the NRA, largely considered one…

Romney Concession Speech Leaked

BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans, I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to the desired result, I still believe I have contributed to the political discourse in this great nation, and I have the support of millions to thank for that. It’s getting closer and…

Voters Back Romney, Just to See a Chris Matthews Meltdown

NEW YORK — Chris Matthews’ explosive meltdown after the first Presidential debate in Denver was not only shocking, but also incredibly entertaining. Matthew’s hair was ruffled. His eyes were so wide and angry they looked as though they might burst out of his skull. Viewers could almost see his arteries exploding on his forehead. While the president’s performance was an utter drag,…

Sean Hannity’s Apocalyptic Narrative of an Obama Reelection

NEW YORK — In preparation for a close election one of FOX News’s most extreme pundits and commentators, Sean Hannity, is hard at work constructing his narrative for a possible Obama reelection. There is no doubt that his coverage will be both “Fair and Balanced,” meaning that it will receive fair ratings and balanced time allotted to long winded speeches of America’s…

Weary Nation Loses Interest In Election

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Having finally been broken by months of incessant media coverage, the American people no longer really care who wins the presidential election anymore. Although election day is tomorrow, nearly all national polls indicate that 100% of Americans really don’t give a shit at this point, and that we should just get this bullshit over with so we…

Gov Christie Goes The Extra Mile, Donates His Pants to Create Tents for Families in Need

chris-christie

SEASIDE, N.J. — From the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has arisen as a heroic leader, receiving praise and gratitude from Democrats and Republicans alike. Governor Christie has worked tirelessly throughout the ordeal, displaying the confidence and bipartisan leadership that is so essential in times of crisis. The Governor, already excelling in his leadership role, went even further…

Romney Makes Major Gaffe, Accidentally Endorses Human Rights

CLEVELAND — New leaked footage of presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals the shocking discovery that he may actually support basic human rights. The video, which prompted five Fox News reporters to endorse Gary Johnson, shows a twisted side to the bourgeois tyrant that the American people thought they knew. During the course of the video, Romney claims that everyone, even the poor,…

Majority of Undecided Voters Think Election Is Next Year

WASHINGTON — A new Gallup poll has revealed that more than 80% of undecided voters actually think the election is in 2013. “I had absolutely no idea the presidential election was this year,” said Queens native Robert Masther. “Why do you think I’m still undecided? I was waiting until the election got closer to make a decision.” After several Internet memes and…

CNN Replaces Reporting With Expensive Technology

NEW YORK — CNN has previously employed the “magic wall” – a giant iPad-like screen, a Will.i.am hologram, and intensive Twitter analysis in order to boost its election coverage. Rumors abound about what the network news giant has planned for Tuesday night. A CNN executive, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the network has been researching and developing a clone of…

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…