MENLO PARK, Calif. — In a last-minute scramble before the election results came in, millions of Facebook idiots were trying to figure out what to post as a status once the election was over. Both Twitter and Facebook were overtaken with zingers during all of election season, but now Facebook users are running out of cool things to say. One Facebook user,…
WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September. The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…
DAMASCUS, Syria – President Bashar al-Assad and the rebels fighting to oust him agreed last week to a ceasefire during the Muslim holiday Eid al-Adha, which celebrates the end of the Hajj, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca. Muslims throughout Syria agreed that it was the decent thing to do to not kill one another in honor of the holiday, but to return…
BRONX, N.Y. — Just minutes after NYPD officers shot and killed an unarmed 16-year-old teen in the Bronx, reporters showed up at his family’s home and asked for “the most thugged out picture of him” that they could find. The boy’s mother handed out a photo scrapbook and told reporters to choose whichever pictures they wanted. Among the hundreds of pictures showing…
WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for Girls” program targeted at addressing this issue. Shocked by the fact that 1/3 of women in the world will experience some form of violence during their lives, the NRA, largely considered one…
BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans, I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to the desired result, I still believe I have contributed to the political discourse in this great nation, and I have the support of millions to thank for that. It’s getting closer and…
NEW YORK — Chris Matthews’ explosive meltdown after the first Presidential debate in Denver was not only shocking, but also incredibly entertaining. Matthew’s hair was ruffled. His eyes were so wide and angry they looked as though they might burst out of his skull. Viewers could almost see his arteries exploding on his forehead. While the president’s performance was an utter drag,…
NEW YORK — In preparation for a close election one of FOX News’s most extreme pundits and commentators, Sean Hannity, is hard at work constructing his narrative for a possible Obama reelection. There is no doubt that his coverage will be both “Fair and Balanced,” meaning that it will receive fair ratings and balanced time allotted to long winded speeches of America’s…
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Having finally been broken by months of incessant media coverage, the American people no longer really care who wins the presidential election anymore. Although election day is tomorrow, nearly all national polls indicate that 100% of Americans really don’t give a shit at this point, and that we should just get this bullshit over with so we…
SEASIDE, N.J. — From the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has arisen as a heroic leader, receiving praise and gratitude from Democrats and Republicans alike. Governor Christie has worked tirelessly throughout the ordeal, displaying the confidence and bipartisan leadership that is so essential in times of crisis. The Governor, already excelling in his leadership role, went even further…
CLEVELAND — New leaked footage of presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals the shocking discovery that he may actually support basic human rights. The video, which prompted five Fox News reporters to endorse Gary Johnson, shows a twisted side to the bourgeois tyrant that the American people thought they knew. During the course of the video, Romney claims that everyone, even the poor,…
WASHINGTON — A new Gallup poll has revealed that more than 80% of undecided voters actually think the election is in 2013. “I had absolutely no idea the presidential election was this year,” said Queens native Robert Masther. “Why do you think I’m still undecided? I was waiting until the election got closer to make a decision.” After several Internet memes and…
NEW YORK — CNN has previously employed the “magic wall” – a giant iPad-like screen, a Will.i.am hologram, and intensive Twitter analysis in order to boost its election coverage. Rumors abound about what the network news giant has planned for Tuesday night. A CNN executive, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the network has been researching and developing a clone of…
NEW YORK — Donald Trump is preparing for the end of the 2012 presidential election by getting involved in more local races. The mastermind behind “The Apprentice” and innovator in the field of naming things after oneself has taken a keen interest in the 8th grade treasurer race at Green Belt Junior High in Delaware. Trump has accused honor role student and…
WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…
WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the President on Tuesday ignited a real glimmer of hope for the future. “I will never stop spamming,” Obama said firmly, “but, from this point forward, anyone who donates to my campaign will…
GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…
NEW YORK — Jose Gutierrez, age 56, has been selling hot dogs from his food cart on Central Park South for almost fifteen years. While business was always steady enough to cover expensive permits and supplies, this particular hot dog stand has never seen the kind of popularity it is enjoying this week. On Monday, Gutierrez referred to his cart, which sells…
