ASTORIA, N.Y. — The neighborhood board of Astoria, Queens, has voted to enact measures to maintain the neighborhood’s standing as the diverse melting pot that it once was – by keeping twenty-something hipsters out. Over the past few years, as areas like Brooklyn’s Williamsburg, Bushwick, and DUMBO have become overrun with long-haired, bearded, wire-rim-glasses-wearing, Pitchfork-reading liberal arts graduates. Longtime residents of these…
Among the sweeping powers bestowed upon the new task force is the right to indefinitely detain anyone suspected of being a climate change denier, or anyone suspected of aiding and abetting climate change denial.
The Devil’s Day is upon us once again, my friends. But the real danger of Halloween is neither the razor blade in the apple nor the scantily-clad co-eds harlotting up our fair streets. It’s high time somebody un-MASKED Halloween as the Socialist Nightmare it truly is. I’ve been saying it for years, but did anybody listen? No. The entitlement problem in this…
WASHINGTON — With voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington voting to legalize gay marriage, exactly 15 percent of the homosexual agenda has now been realized. After more than thirty straight defeats, voters were finally duped by “the gays” and decided to undermine the basic structure of society by letting two mutually consenting adults live in a legally recognized loving marriage. Sam Smithy…
LOS ANGELES – After firing Head Coach Mike Brown after a dismal 1-4 start, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and team executives scrambled to find Phil Jackson, who led the team to five NBA titles during his tenure. Found meditating deep in the middle of Joshua Tree National Park, Jackson told team executives that he is willing to negotiate a contract—on certain conditions.…
MOBILE, Ala. — In a surprising victory speech, President Barack Obama decided to kick Republicans where it hurts. In a nod to his Islamist supporters in Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood, Barack Obama declared his intention to change the name of red state “Alabama” – a state he did not win – to “Allah-‘Bama,” thus combining the names of the Muslim diety and his…
WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a third world country if they lose. Goodell convinced both camps to agree to the gesture after explaining it had been commonplace in the sports world for decades and both sides needed to…
WASHINGTON — My fellow citizens and constituents: I’d like to thank you for the oscillating support I’ve received during my term in office. I feel that I’ve been able to accomplish much in the last four years despite the state of the country following the Bush administration. Notably, I would like to briefly touch on some of the highlights from my term,…
