Newslo Political satire

New York

Astoria Neighborhood Board Takes Measures to Prevent Hipsters from Moving In

ASTORIA, N.Y. — The neighborhood board of Astoria, Queens, has voted to enact measures to maintain the neighborhood’s standing as the diverse melting pot that it once was – by…

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Obama to Detain Climate Change Deniers Indefinately

Among the sweeping powers bestowed upon the new task force is the right to indefinitely detain anyone suspected of being a climate change denier, or anyone suspected of aiding and abetting climate change denial.

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Blogs

Is Halloween Turning Your Child into a Socialist Parasite?

The Devil’s Day is upon us once again, my friends. But the real danger of Halloween is neither the razor blade in the apple nor the scantily-clad co-eds harlotting up…

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Fifteen Percent of Homosexual Agenda Now Realized

WASHINGTON — With voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington voting to legalize gay marriage, exactly 15 percent of the homosexual agenda has now been realized. After more than thirty straight…

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Sports

Phil Jackson Having a Blast Toying with Desperate Lakers

LOS ANGELES – After firing Head Coach Mike Brown after a dismal 1-4 start, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and team executives scrambled to find Phil Jackson, who led the team…

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Politics

Obama Celebrates Victory Over Romney, Changes Name of Traditionally Red State to Allah-Bama

MOBILE, Ala. — In a surprising victory speech, President Barack Obama decided to kick Republicans where it hurts. In a nod to his Islamist supporters in Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood, Barack…

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Politics

Losing Presidential Candidate Agrees to Donate Victory Speech to Leader of Third World Country

WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a…

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Politics

Obama’s Concession Speech Leaked

WASHINGTON — My fellow citizens and constituents: I’d like to thank you for the oscillating support I’ve received during my term in office. I feel that I’ve been able to…

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Politics

Romney: “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 cents on the dollar”

WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I…

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New York

Victims of Hurricane Sandy Undergo Severe Technology Withdrawal

NEW YORK — Millions of Americans in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic who lost power from the devastating super storm earlier this week are exhibiting symptoms of what experts call Post-Technology…

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Politics

Bin Laden Family Demands to Be Paid Every Time Obama Says Bin Laden

NEW YORK — In a copyright case reminiscent of Donald Trump’s attempt to trademark “You’re fired,” one of Osama bin Laden’s daughters has filed to trademark “Osama bin Laden is…

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Blogs

HISTORICAL INACCURACY: Gandhi’s Salt March Actually Quest for Perfect Cheeseburger

HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred…

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Politics

Gallup Poll Finds That 48% of Americans Believe There Is An Election in November

OMAHA, Nebraska — A recent poll from Gallup, Inc., has revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unsure as to when the presidential election will take place. Gallup, known…

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Politics

Dick Cheney Excited to Celebrate Razorblade and Apple Day

JACKSON, Wyo. — Those children daring enough to climb the twisted staircase leading up to Dick Cheney’s gothic stone castle will be sorely disappointed. Do not let the gothic mansion…

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Alumni of Abstinence Only Education Either Parents or Liars

JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin…

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Politics

Romney Campaign Goes on Fact-Free Diet Until Election Day

CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but…

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Media

American Heart Association Anticipating Matt Drudge Heart Attack On Election Day

DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election…

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NRA: Crazed Shooters Will Eventually Tire Themselves Out

BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those…

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Politics

Alaskan Residents to Sue Sarah Palin for Being the Only Thing Anyone Knows About Alaska

HOMER, Alaska — Just days after former Governor Sarah Palin announced that she’s writing yet another book, beleaguered Alaskans have finally accepted the former governor’s refusal to step out of…

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Media

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving…

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Media

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a…

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New York

Progressive Art Teacher Prefers Term “African-American Pencils”

BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning…

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Politics

Romney Camp Looking to Trade Lindsay Lohan For Neil Patrick Harris & Eva Longoria

WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva…

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Politics

Voters: Mitt Romney a Candidate You Just Want to Have a Yoo-Hoo With

WASHINGTON– According to a Pew Research poll released this morning, a majority of likely voters say Mitt Romney is the kind of likeable guy you just want to sit down…

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