ASTORIA, N.Y. — The neighborhood board of Astoria, Queens, has voted to enact measures to maintain the neighborhood’s standing as the diverse melting pot that it once was – by keeping twenty-something hipsters out. Over the past few years, as areas like Brooklyn’s Williamsburg, Bushwick, and DUMBO have become overrun with long-haired, bearded, wire-rim-glasses-wearing, Pitchfork-reading liberal arts graduates. Longtime residents of these…
Among the sweeping powers bestowed upon the new task force is the right to indefinitely detain anyone suspected of being a climate change denier, or anyone suspected of aiding and abetting climate change denial.
The Devil’s Day is upon us once again, my friends. But the real danger of Halloween is neither the razor blade in the apple nor the scantily-clad co-eds harlotting up our fair streets. It’s high time somebody un-MASKED Halloween as the Socialist Nightmare it truly is. I’ve been saying it for years, but did anybody listen? No. The entitlement problem in this…
WASHINGTON — With voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington voting to legalize gay marriage, exactly 15 percent of the homosexual agenda has now been realized. After more than thirty straight defeats, voters were finally duped by “the gays” and decided to undermine the basic structure of society by letting two mutually consenting adults live in a legally recognized loving marriage. Sam Smithy…
LOS ANGELES – After firing Head Coach Mike Brown after a dismal 1-4 start, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and team executives scrambled to find Phil Jackson, who led the team to five NBA titles during his tenure. Found meditating deep in the middle of Joshua Tree National Park, Jackson told team executives that he is willing to negotiate a contract—on certain conditions.…
MOBILE, Ala. — In a surprising victory speech, President Barack Obama decided to kick Republicans where it hurts. In a nod to his Islamist supporters in Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood, Barack Obama declared his intention to change the name of red state “Alabama” – a state he did not win – to “Allah-‘Bama,” thus combining the names of the Muslim diety and his…
WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a third world country if they lose. Goodell convinced both camps to agree to the gesture after explaining it had been commonplace in the sports world for decades and both sides needed to…
WASHINGTON — My fellow citizens and constituents: I’d like to thank you for the oscillating support I’ve received during my term in office. I feel that I’ve been able to accomplish much in the last four years despite the state of the country following the Bush administration. Notably, I would like to briefly touch on some of the highlights from my term,…
WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 percent of what I’d have to pay a man.” In an interview with Newslo on Wednesday, the Republican candidate clarified his position: “These are the tactics…
NEW YORK — Millions of Americans in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic who lost power from the devastating super storm earlier this week are exhibiting symptoms of what experts call Post-Technology Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of the disorder include Wandering Thumb Syndrome – in which the afflicted reflexively use their thumb to swipe or scroll through their field of view – and the…
NEW YORK — In a copyright case reminiscent of Donald Trump’s attempt to trademark “You’re fired,” one of Osama bin Laden’s daughters has filed to trademark “Osama bin Laden is dead.” Saharra bin Laden, currently living in the Hamptons area of Long Island, filed the application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) to “stop Obama from making political gain off…
HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred up in that bitch,” he rants, referring to British-ruled India in the 1930’s. The self-published vanity novelty entitled “How to Have Sex with a Raw Steak” depicts a much different scenario than…
OMAHA, Nebraska — A recent poll from Gallup, Inc., has revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unsure as to when the presidential election will take place. Gallup, known for its persistent polling on political issues, but also for some vague polls such as the “Happiness” and “Suffering” series, inaugurated its newest poll during the week of October 19. The organization…
JACKSON, Wyo. — Those children daring enough to climb the twisted staircase leading up to Dick Cheney’s gothic stone castle will be sorely disappointed. Do not let the gothic mansion fool you: Cheney does not celebrate Halloween anymore. He just lives there. Fearing a 37th heart attack, the former Vice President has changed his outlook on Halloween. He now believes the Holiday…
JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin conceived her first child during her junior year of high school, well after she completed the required sex-ed course. She believes that the introduction of an all-inclusive sexual health curriculum that covers…
CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but we were still feeling really sluggish in the polls,” said Romney. “Just low energy, you know?” But if the Romney campaign was going to be at its best, it had to cut…
DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election day. This type of good will is outside of the AHA’s normal procedures, but executives believe that given Drudge’s influence over the media, the move is essential for the well-being of American…
BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun…
HOMER, Alaska — Just days after former Governor Sarah Palin announced that she’s writing yet another book, beleaguered Alaskans have finally accepted the former governor’s refusal to step out of the limelight. Alaskans say they are tired of being associated with the semi-literate Palin and her pack of terribly-named children. But citizens say they will no longer take the indignity lying down.…
LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…
NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…
BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning at the Greenpoint Waldorf School serve to remind us that the quest for racial harmony is far from over. According to school administrators, art teacher Miss Amber was shocked to overhear second-grader…
WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…
WASHINGTON– According to a Pew Research poll released this morning, a majority of likely voters say Mitt Romney is the kind of likeable guy you just want to sit down and have a bee—well, he’s Mormon so he doesn’t drink, but they sure would like to have a Yoo-Hoo with him. “I’d just love to hang out with Mitt,” said auto mechanic…
