Astoria Neighborhood Board Takes Measures to Prevent Hipsters from Moving In

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ASTORIA, N.Y. — The neighborhood board of Astoria, Queens, has voted to enact measures to maintain the neighborhood’s standing as the diverse melting pot that it once was – by keeping twenty-something hipsters out. Over the past few years, as areas like Brooklyn’s Williamsburg, Bushwick, and DUMBO have become overrun with long-haired, bearded, wire-rim-glasses-wearing, Pitchfork-reading liberal arts graduates.  Longtime residents of these…

Fifteen Percent of Homosexual Agenda Now Realized

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WASHINGTON — With voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington voting to legalize gay marriage, exactly 15 percent of the homosexual agenda has now been realized. After more than thirty straight defeats, voters were finally duped by “the gays” and decided to undermine the basic structure of society by letting two mutually consenting adults live in a legally recognized loving marriage. Sam Smithy…

Phil Jackson Having a Blast Toying with Desperate Lakers

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LOS ANGELES – After firing Head Coach Mike Brown after a dismal 1-4 start, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and team executives scrambled to find Phil Jackson, who led the team to five NBA titles during his tenure. Found meditating deep in the middle of Joshua Tree National Park, Jackson told team executives that he is willing to negotiate a contract—on certain conditions.…

Obama Celebrates Victory Over Romney, Changes Name of Traditionally Red State to Allah-Bama

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MOBILE, Ala. — In a surprising victory speech, President Barack Obama decided to kick Republicans where it hurts.  In a nod to his Islamist supporters in Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood, Barack Obama declared his intention to change the name of red state “Alabama” – a state he did not win – to “Allah-‘Bama,” thus combining the names of the Muslim diety and his…

Losing Presidential Candidate Agrees to Donate Victory Speech to Leader of Third World Country

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WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a third world country if they lose. Goodell convinced both camps to agree to the gesture after explaining it had been commonplace in the sports world for decades and both sides needed to…

Obama’s Concession Speech Leaked

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WASHINGTON — My fellow citizens and constituents: I’d like to thank you for the oscillating support I’ve received during my term in office. I feel that I’ve been able to accomplish much in the last four years despite the state of the country following the Bush administration. Notably, I would like to briefly touch on some of the highlights from my term,…