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Today's Headlines US

NASA to Grow Marijuana on the Moon

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – Officials at NASA’s Ames Research Center in California today announced plans to cultivate and grow marijuana on the surface of the moon. The news came on the heels of an earlier announcement regarding NASA’s plan to put a garden on the moon in 2015 consisting of cress, basil, and turnips.

“The decision to grow marijuana on the lunar surface was a no-brainer,” said Ames Deputy Director Lewis S. G. Braxton III. “NASA is always in need of funding, and weed is a serious cash crop. Plus, this way, future lunar colonists will have a fresh supply at their disposal, because let’s face it, things are going to be pretty boring up there for a while.”

The marijuana will be shipped to the moon in much the same way the original garden is expected to arrive in 2015, as payload on an unmanned Google X-Prize mission.

“[A] first step in long term presence [on the Moon] is to send plants,” read the proposal. “As seedlings, they can be as sensitive as humans to environmental conditions, sometimes even more so. Once the turnips and whatnot grow, giving us proof of concept, we’ll send up the pot and get things humming.”

Deputy Director Braxton acknowledged the psychological benefits of growing marijuana on the moon. Previous experiments on the International Space Station and in Antarctica have demonstrated that the presence and maintenance of plant life provides psychological comfort to isolated people. “And when the same people were baked, they were even happier,” he explained.

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Hooters says it won’t serve San Diego Mayor Bob Filner

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner will not be served at four Hooters locations around the city. The owner of the four restaurants in Rancho Bernardo, Oceanside, Gaslamp and Mission Valley has put up signs informing the public that Filner is not welcome. “…

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World

North Korean Video of American Bombing Declared as Greatest Achievement Ever by Kim Jong Un

PYONGYANG — Proud of their recent video depicting the destruction of an American city, North Korean leaders are now hoping to learn to make a mix tape or maybe even a text message soon.

The video shows a man sleeping and apparently dreaming about a rocket being fired, a weird little space shuttle flying around the world, and then a city burning from an apparent bombing. Playing in the background while all of this is going on is, for some reason, the music to “We Are The World.”

“This is the crowning achievement of years of work by our top scientists,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said. “I don’t know how they got that camera up into space to follow the space shuttle around the world like that, but it was obviously the best piece of scientific work since I invented car keys.”

The video has already won the equivalent of 17 Nobel Prizes in North

Korea and is currently the top trending video among the 13 North Korean citizens who have computers. Jong-un is now hoping to use his next invention, he calls it “the Polaroid camera,” to take scary photos that he will be able to print out automatically so that he can mail them to America.

“That will really scare those stupid Americans. Just wait until they see photos that show me flying!”, Jong-un said.

Jong Un is also hoping to use another of his scientists’ latest technological breakthroughs to scare Americans even more. With this invention, which Jong-un refers to as “the Atari 2600 videogame River Raid, isn’t that a great name that I invented!?!”, his top military officials will be able to depict planes flying over America and blowing up bridges, boats and buildings while only refueling by flying over floating objects that his scientists have created.

“Stupid Americans,” Jong-un added. “This will probably give them all heart attacks! And don’t even get me started talking about my super surprise weapon that produces electric shocks when you shake my hand. I call it the Jong-un Buzzer, and I discovered it all by myself. I think it was on that day when I made 17 holes in ones golfing, bowled five 300 games and jumped my motorcycle over the Grand Canyon!”

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US

New Psychotropic Medicine Alleviates Patients from the Human Condition

NEW YORK — Pfizer has come out with a new psychotropic that reportedly eliminates bothersome elements of the human condition, such as fleeting malaise, self-doubt, and concerns about mortality.

Marketers at Pfizer have dubbed the drug Edenify, in reference to the biblical Garden of Eden. In a press release, Pfizer described its new product “a potent psychotropic that manages to sweep patients into a blissful and shame-free state of mind, reminiscent of Paradise.”

Pfizer expects the drug to be a major seller, describing it in an e-blast to shareholders as “the king of all kings; the jackpot; the moneymaker.”

However, the medication’s release date has yet to be determined, as the Food and Drug Administration grapples with some of its more unfortunate side effects. High incidents of coma and death continue to appear in trial patients.

“We here at Pfizer are confident that Edenify will be approved by the FDA in no time,” said Brenda Mezzanini, a spokeswoman for Pfizer. “In fact, research has revealed that our comatose and dead trial patients were also the most successful at escaping the human condition. When surveyed, they demonstrated absolutely no signs of melancholy or fear of death, at an unprecedented 100% rate.”

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US

Conservatives Run Out of Reasons for Sandy Hook Tragedy

HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy.

“All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he is feeling wrathful about this time.”

Instead of directing the discussion toward the question of the ease of gun accessibility or the lack of adequate mental health coverage, conservative second amendment proponents have decided to take the “shot-in-the-dark approach” by blaming every conceivable liberal platform and hoping that one of them bears results.

“There is a huge range of issues that could have caused this tragedy,” explained conservative representatives. “It could be the legality of abortions, it could be the removal of God from Schools, it could really have been anything. So if we just target all of these unchristian practices, by casting a “wide net” so to speak, we’re bound to stumble upon the correct cause.”

While many grieving Connecticut families have found it hard to cope with the “wide net” approach, conservatives have reassured the nation by explaining that this approach, was originally founded upon a “Salem Witch Trial” style of persecution, has been known to show results in 100% of cases.

 

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New York

Mayor Bloomberg Demands President Obama Call Him Back

NEW YORK — In a press conference Friday, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg called on President Obama to respond to his numerous voicemails so they can hang out.

“I am calling on the president to act now and call me back before my feelings are permanently hurt,” declared Bloomberg. “I have called President Obama four times already and left two voice messages, without even a text message from him. I need the president to pay more attention to me.”

President Obama was unavailable for comment Monday, but White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters in Washington D.C. that the president is well aware of Mayor Bloomberg’s numerous attempts to speak with him.

“Mayor Bloomberg needs to realize that the president has a lot on his plate right now,” said Carney. ” President Obama is very busy running the country .

When pressed further by reporters, Carney refused to give specifics, but did clarify that Mayor Bloomberg’s calls did not have anything to do with public policy.

“Mayor Bloomberg left a couple voice messages for President Obama asking the president to call him back immediately,” explained Carney.”From what I understand, the mayor wanted to visit the president to hang out. He mentioned going bowling, grabbing a bite to eat, maybe seeing a movie. Unfortunately President Obama just isn’t interested in being friends with Mayor Bloomberg at this time. The president feels Mayor Bloomberg is kind of creepy and annoying.”

As New Yorkers have learned, Mayor Bloomberg is not concerned with whether or not he is liked. This is the same mayor who is banning the sale of sweetened drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces.

“As the mayor of New York City I can call press conferences whenever I want,” exclaimed Bloomberg. “If President Obama won’t return my calls then I will just use my power as mayor to call him out in the media. I would like to hang out with President Obama this weekend if possible. I would love to go out and see a movie, preferably The Hobbit, but I’m not opposed to hanging out at the White House and talking politics. If I need to pay to become friends with the president, I will. I’m very, very rich.”

Despite Mayor Bloomberg’s pleas for a response from the president, Obama has no immediate plans to return the mayor’s calls.

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Politics

New Bill Allows College Graduates to Proceed Straight to Unemployment Line

WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma. The bill is meant to alleviate the financial situations of indebted students and their families, and also to take pressure off of colleges whose reputations are tarnished by poor graduate income levels.

Janine Laredo, a liberal arts student who graduated with a degree in Culinary Anthropology and has been unsuccessfully trying to find work as a celebrity chef since 2011, is one of many young people thrilled with the new bill. “The way unemployment worked before, it was just absurd,” she said. “Did you know that in order to collect unemployment, you have to have already had a job? That’s crazy! No one has a job!”

The Catch-22 for graduates seeking work has always been the same – you can’t get a job without experience and you can’t get experience without a job. After four years of communal living, partying, and intriguing studies, it can be very stressful to go out into the real world, where nobody wants to even talk to you. This bill is designed as a way to ease the post-grad transition, because, after all, it is the government’s responsibility.

“Don’t think of it as a handout,” said Jim Doleman, former Sociology major and leading architect of the bill. “Think of it as a good report card that everyone gets, regardless of their grades. It’s only fair.”

 

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Politics

Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment

WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment.

At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.

“Things like full frontal nudity in movies, foul-mouthed rap music, and pretentious works of modern art are clearly the true culprits here, driving otherwise reasonable, sane individuals to commit acts of unspeakable terror,” said Wayne LaPierre. “Not the easily accessible automatic weapons that are capable of causing multiple deaths in mere seconds.”

LaPierre then argued that putting limits on the First Amendment was imperative moving forward.

“It’s becoming increasingly clear that the freedom of speech is running amok, and the First Amendment must be limited to protect American lives,” said LaPierre, adding that he wasn’t a huge fan of the Sixteenth, Eighteenth, or Twenty-Fifth Amendments either.

Rock guitarist and gun ownership rights advocate Ted Nugent echoed LaPierre’s sentiments in an interview on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight.

“The First Amendment must have limits. The media’s portrayal of violence have become more and more extreme. As a result, our values as a society are degrading, leading to these terrible tragedies,” said Nugent. “And if you disagree, you can suck on my machine gun.”