New Psychotropic Medicine Alleviates Patients from the Human Condition

NEW YORK — Pfizer has come out with a new psychotropic that reportedly eliminates bothersome elements of the human condition, such as fleeting malaise, self-doubt, and concerns about mortality. Marketers at Pfizer have dubbed the drug Edenify, in reference to the biblical Garden of Eden. In a press release, Pfizer described its new product “a potent psychotropic that manages to sweep patients…

Conservatives Run Out of Reasons for Sandy Hook Tragedy

HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy. “All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he…

New Bill Allows College Graduates to Proceed Straight to Unemployment Line

WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma.…

Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment

WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…

Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

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Dear Pissed Connections, I’m 24 and I’ve been dating this great guy for about 4 weeks. We recently decided to become “exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything between us is great: the conversation, the chemistry, our taste for the same cat memes. The only problem is, we haven’t had sex yet. At first I thought he was a traditional guy and just wanted…

New Hess Truck Features Real Oven, Flamethrowers

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WOODBRIDGE, N.J. — In an effort to fulfill its promise that the new Hess toy truck will be “better than ever,” the Hess Corporation has introduced revolutionary features for the 2012 model, including three authentic noises and a highly volatile weapons system. Buzz for the 2012 Hess truck began developing in November, when news leaked that this year’s edition would be a…

Companies to Begin Requiring Payment from Interns

NEW YORK — Twenty year old Julie Anderson found what she thought was a rare gem in today’s job market: a paid internship. Upon accepting the position, Julie found to her dismay just what this new breed of ‘paid internship’ actually was. On her first day, Julie’s new boss cheerfully explained that the company would be expecting a check every two weeks…

Alumni of Abstinence Only Education Either Parents or Liars

JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin conceived her first child during her junior year of high school, well after she completed the required sex-ed course. She believes that the introduction of an all-inclusive sexual health curriculum that covers…