The marijuana will be shipped to the moon in much the same way the original garden is expected to arrive in 2015, as payload on an unmanned Google X-Prize mission.
The owner of the four restaurants in Rancho Bernardo, Oceanside, Gaslamp and Mission Valley has put up signs informing the public that Filner is not welcome.
PYONGYANG — Proud of their recent video depicting the destruction of an American city, North Korean leaders are now hoping to learn to make a mix tape or maybe even a text message soon. The video shows a man sleeping and apparently dreaming about a rocket being fired, a weird little space shuttle flying around the world, and then a city burning…
NEW YORK — Pfizer has come out with a new psychotropic that reportedly eliminates bothersome elements of the human condition, such as fleeting malaise, self-doubt, and concerns about mortality. Marketers at Pfizer have dubbed the drug Edenify, in reference to the biblical Garden of Eden. In a press release, Pfizer described its new product “a potent psychotropic that manages to sweep patients…
HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy. “All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he…
NEW YORK — In a press conference Friday, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg called on President Obama to respond to his numerous voicemails so they can hang out. “I am calling on the president to act now and call me back before my feelings are permanently hurt,” declared Bloomberg. “I have called President Obama four times already and left two voice…
WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma.…
WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…
Dear Pissed Connections, I’m 24 and I’ve been dating this great guy for about 4 weeks. We recently decided to become “exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything between us is great: the conversation, the chemistry, our taste for the same cat memes. The only problem is, we haven’t had sex yet. At first I thought he was a traditional guy and just wanted…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court today announced that due to all the controversy expected to erupt over the two gay marriage cases they’ve agreed to consider next year, they would restrict the remainder of their 2013 docket to simple, no-brainer cases that can be decided without putting any real thought into them. “The truth is, we’re going to be very busy…
WOODBRIDGE, N.J. — In an effort to fulfill its promise that the new Hess toy truck will be “better than ever,” the Hess Corporation has introduced revolutionary features for the 2012 model, including three authentic noises and a highly volatile weapons system. Buzz for the 2012 Hess truck began developing in November, when news leaked that this year’s edition would be a…
NEW YORK — Twenty year old Julie Anderson found what she thought was a rare gem in today’s job market: a paid internship. Upon accepting the position, Julie found to her dismay just what this new breed of ‘paid internship’ actually was. On her first day, Julie’s new boss cheerfully explained that the company would be expecting a check every two weeks…
JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin conceived her first child during her junior year of high school, well after she completed the required sex-ed course. She believes that the introduction of an all-inclusive sexual health curriculum that covers…