New Psychotropic Medicine Alleviates Patients from the Human Condition

Pfizer 4

NEW YORK — Pfizer has come out with a new psychotropic that reportedly eliminates bothersome elements of the human condition, such as fleeting malaise, self-doubt, and concerns about mortality. Marketers at Pfizer have dubbed the drug Edenify, in reference to the biblical Garden of Eden. In a press release, Pfizer described its new product “a potent psychotropic that manages to sweep patients…

Conservatives Run Out of Reasons for Sandy Hook Tragedy

sad man shutterstock copy 2122 2

HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy. “All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he…

New Bill Allows College Graduates to Proceed Straight to Unemployment Line

collegeee 3

WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma.…

Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment

free soeech zone shutterstock 2

WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…