John Boehner Announces Plan C: Retirement

jb istock 2

WASHINGTON – Following Speaker of the House John Boehner’s failed Plan B tax compromise, he has announced what he’s referring to as “Plan C”: his intention to quit the extraordinarily dysfunctional Republican party and leave partisan politics behind. Donning a Hawaiian shirt, sandals, and sipping a fruity alcoholic beverage, Boehner announced his retirement today, claiming that his job as Speaker of the House simply isn’t worth…

CNN to Air Documentary on CNN Coverage of Sandy Hook Tragedy

cnn 2

NEW YORK – CNN announced a new prime-time documentary currently in production that will take a no-holds-barred look at CNN’s around-the-clock coverage of the Sandy Hook Tragedy entitled: “CNN’s Coverage of Sandy Hook: An American Tragedy.” To be hosted by Anderson Cooper, CNN’s Coverage will examine the ripple effect of CNN’s coverage and how it changed the lives of ordinary Americans. The…

VISA Launches Mayan-Themed “Spend Til The End” Campaign

credit card commercial shutterstock 2

SAN FRANCISCO — VISA’s Global Chief Marketing Officer Antonio Lucia today announced the launch of a worldwide, massive, week-long promotional blitz entitled “Spend Til The End.” Inspired by the looming end to the Mayan Calendar coming on December 21 this year, the promotion encourages people to spend all the way to their credit limits in the next few days before the world…

Demi Moore Leaks Nude Photos For Promotional Gain

demi moore twitter1 2

LOS ANGELES — Demi Moore flaunted her hot bod in a collection of nude pictures, which she posted on Twitter Saturday morning. She wore only a Santa hat with the caption, “Happy Holidays To All!” Minutes later she clarified, “except to Ashton and that ‘70s hoe.” Moore’s publicist, Stephen Huvane, denies the photos are real, and has threatened a lawsuit against whoever…

Soup Kitchens Prepare to Accommodate Increased Demand for College Recommendation Letters

soup kitchen volunteers 3

CHICAGO — With the weather turning colder, many soup kitchens and homeless shelters say they are radically underprepared for the record number of college-bound high schoolers who will soon fill their halls looking for letters of recommendation. “Around the holidays demand goes through the roof,” explained Jenny Faust, director of the Helping Hands shelter in Logan Square. “They come to us with…

MTA Rolls Out Crime-Ridden Vintage Subway Trains

800px Heavily tagged subway car in NY 3

NEW YORK – Metropolitan Transit Authority President Joe Lhota announced today that vintage subway trains from the ‘70s and ‘80s—complete with the experience of pervasive crime and urban decay that the subway system symbolized—will be put back into service this month as a holiday gift to all New Yorkers. At a press conference inside the Times Square station, Lhota introduced Fleabag Jimmy,…