“Of course, this leads us, when there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope. No hope!”
“I’ve always felt we were kindred spirits. I, too, recently used a superlaser to destroy peaceful planet.”
“At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death.”
“There’s a decay growing in this system, and Rep. Steve Stockman will get to the root of it!”
“Frankly, that’s ridiculous,” he said. “I have lots of rich friends who love poor people. I mean we hire poor people to cook our meals, do our laundry, raise our kids. You can’t feel anything but compassion for your live-in staff. If the Pope had servants of his own, he’d understand all this.”
Pfizer, a competitor, has launched its own campaign: “The first dose is free.™”
“It’s getting harder and harder to lure children away from the straight lifestyle,” Roberts added. “Putin’s got Russia on lockdown, and you can forget about China. Even if we could get into North Korea, would we want to?”
He went on to say that if he does indeed marry a woman “by mistake” again, he’ll be sure it’s in North Dakota, where the legal system goes easy on men who have trouble deciphering gender.
ertion that Santa Claus was white, saying he was going to “scream and complain because Martin Luther King is always portrayed as black.”
“For making ‘twerking’ into a household word, for standing up to the Taliban for women’s education, and for forcing a discussion on the balance of freedom and security, Pope Francis is Time’s 2013 Person of the Year.”
“And seriously, animal skins? Who does that?” Karnes added. “I can only imagine it cost the American publisher a fortune to bind and distribute tens of thousands of pages of … of hide. But why?”
“If they need a little push making their way into Heaven, that okay too,” the book says. “Jesus will understand if you help them ‘fall’ down a flight of stairs. It’s what Uncle Cruz would do!”
“Apparently, those days are gone, and we thought it appropriate that we take some time to remember the time before we became completely impotent.”
Hawaii follows 14 other states and the District of Columbia in legalizing gay marriages. The average cost of a wedding cake in Hawaii is $3,250.
“What I would like to do is if you would explain to me, sergeant, what I would need to do to arrange for getting her out of jail this evening,” he said. “You can proceed with whatever you think is proper.”
Palin, for one, was not about to leave anything to chance. Cameras at the polling station spotted “P-A-L-I-N” scrawled on her palm as she entered to cast her vote.
NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to the popular fashion brand American Apparel. Commenting on the win-win deal, Occupy Faciliator Deborah Brown said that it “felt good to finally feel empowered after so many years of hard work.” Asked…
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HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred up in that bitch,” he rants, referring to British-ruled India in the 1930’s. The self-published vanity novelty entitled “How to Have Sex with a Raw Steak” depicts a much different scenario than…