Ted Cruz Father Suggests Placing Atheists in ‘Camps’
“Of course, this leads us, when there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope. No hope!”
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Newslo satire
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Presidential Candidates Cultivating ‘More Evil’ Images in Hopes of Winning White House
“I’ve always felt we were kindred spirits. I, too, recently used a superlaser to destroy peaceful planet.”
#NNTS: Maine Republican regrets saying men should rape women if abortion is legal
“At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death.”
Rep. Steve Stockman Endorsed by Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, and Lucky Charms Leprechaun
“There’s a decay growing in this system, and Rep. Steve Stockman will get to the root of it!”
Home Depot Founder Says Next Pope Should Be a Rich American
“Frankly, that’s ridiculous,” he said. “I have lots of rich friends who love poor people. I mean we hire poor people to cook our meals, do our laundry, raise our kids. You can’t feel anything but compassion for your live-in staff. If the Pope had servants of his own, he’d understand all this.”
Pharmaceutical Executives: ‘Prescription Drugs Not Addictive Enough’
Pfizer, a competitor, has launched its own campaign: “The first dose is free.™”
Uganda Deals Crippling Blow to Homosexual Recruiting
“It’s getting harder and harder to lure children away from the straight lifestyle,” Roberts added. “Putin’s got Russia on lockdown, and you can forget about China. Even if we could get into North Korea, would we want to?”
Homophobic Male Learns his ‘Wife’ is a Man
He went on to say that if he does indeed marry a woman “by mistake” again, he’ll be sure it’s in North Dakota, where the legal system goes easy on men who have trouble deciphering gender.
#NNTS: Neal Boortz defends ‘white Santa’: ‘Martin Luther King is always portrayed as black!’
ertion that Santa Claus was white, saying he was going to “scream and complain because Martin Luther King is always portrayed as black.”
Pope Francis Named Time’s ‘Man of the Year’ for Twerking, Exposing NSA
“For making ‘twerking’ into a household word, for standing up to the Taliban for women’s education, and for forcing a discussion on the balance of freedom and security, Pope Francis is Time's 2013 Person of the Year.”
Morrissey Devastated to Discover Memoir’s U.S. Edition Printed on Animal Skins
“And seriously, animal skins? Who does that?” Karnes added. “I can only imagine it cost the American publisher a fortune to bind and distribute tens of thousands of pages of … of hide. But why?”
‘Ted Cruz’ Coloring Book Teaches Children how to Shame Atheists, Euthanize the Uninsured
“If they need a little push making their way into Heaven, that okay too,” the book says. “Jesus will understand if you help them ‘fall’ down a flight of stairs. It’s what Uncle Cruz would do!”
Congress Mourns Sandy Hook Anniversary, Getting Things Done
“Apparently, those days are gone, and we thought it appropriate that we take some time to remember the time before we became completely impotent.”
Hawaii, Distant Tropical Archipelago, Legalizes Marriages of Two Women, or Two Men
Hawaii follows 14 other states and the District of Columbia in legalizing gay marriages. The average cost of a wedding cake in Hawaii is $3,250.
#NoNeedToSatirize: Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst calls 911 to pressure police to release jailed relative
“What I would like to do is if you would explain to me, sergeant, what I would need to do to arrange for getting her out of jail this evening,” he said. “You can proceed with whatever you think is proper.”
Sarah Palin Runs for Mayor of Detroit
Palin, for one, was not about to leave anything to chance. Cameras at the polling station spotted “P-A-L-I-N” scrawled on her palm as she entered to cast her vote.
Occupy Wall Street Bought out by American Apparel
NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to…
NRA Counters Gun Buybacks with Assault Rifle Giveaway
LOS ANGELES – After a hugely successful one-day gun buyback event in Los Angeles saw over 2,000 firearms – including 75 assault weapons and two rocket launchers – being returned…
Wayne LaPierre Calls for Giving Guns the Right to Vote
WASHINGTON – Sensing that his recent comments about putting an armed guard in every school had backfired, and that gun control advocates were gaining ground, NRA vice-president Wayne LaPierre issued…
Nation Shocked GOP Senators Care More about Nation than Grover Norquist
WASHINGTON — Americans are expressing shock and amazement at the revelation that a number of Republican Senators may actually care more about the people they represent than they do about…
Guy Fieri Strikes Back with Poignant Essay on the Decline of Print Journalism
NEW YORK — Following The New York Times’ merciless takedown of celebrity chef Guy Fieri’s new Times Square mega-restaurant, “Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar,” in which food critic Pete Wells…
Romney: “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 cents on the dollar”
WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I…
HISTORICAL INACCURACY: Gandhi’s Salt March Actually Quest for Perfect Cheeseburger
HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred…