Occupy Wall Street Bought out by American Apparel

NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to the popular fashion brand American Apparel. Commenting on the win-win deal, Occupy Faciliator Deborah Brown said that it “felt good to finally feel empowered after so many years of hard work.” Asked…

NRA Counters Gun Buybacks with Assault Rifle Giveaway

LOS ANGELES – After a hugely successful one-day gun buyback event in Los Angeles saw over 2,000 firearms – including 75 assault weapons and two rocket launchers – being returned in exchange for gift cards, the National Rifle Association sought to further its own cause by giving away hundreds of assault rifles with no restrictions or background checks. “It’s insanity to be…

Wayne LaPierre Calls for Giving Guns the Right to Vote

WASHINGTON – Sensing that his recent comments about putting an armed guard in every school had backfired, and that gun control advocates were gaining ground, NRA vice-president Wayne LaPierre issued a new proclamation Sunday. “Some irresponsible members of society are calling for an end to guns. But we live in a democracy where guns outnumber people. In a democracy you don’t disenfranchise…

Nation Shocked GOP Senators Care More about Nation than Grover Norquist

WASHINGTON — Americans are expressing shock and amazement at the revelation that a number of Republican Senators may actually care more about the people they represent than they do about Americans for Tax Reform founder and president Grover Norquist. “It just doesn’t seem possible,” said registered Republican Reginald Black of Tucson, Arizona. “I’m a nobody. Just some dumb, middle-class voter with dreams…

Guy Fieri Strikes Back with Poignant Essay on the Decline of Print Journalism

NEW YORK — Following The New York Times’ merciless takedown of celebrity chef Guy Fieri’s new Times Square mega-restaurant, “Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar,” in which food critic Pete Wells asks the celebrity chef a series of increasingly condescending rhetorical questions (“Were you struck by how far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Tenders are?”) Fieri has fired back, penning a surprisingly coherent…

Romney: “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 cents on the dollar”

WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 percent of what I’d have to pay a man.” In an interview with Newslo on Wednesday, the Republican candidate clarified his position: “These are the tactics…

HISTORICAL INACCURACY: Gandhi’s Salt March Actually Quest for Perfect Cheeseburger

HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred up in that bitch,” he rants, referring to British-ruled India in the 1930’s. The self-published vanity novelty entitled “How to Have Sex with a Raw Steak” depicts a much different scenario than…