Oh Sharia Law, Where Art Thou

Protest-conservative

ANTIGO, Wis. – Self-described movie buff Nick Canefield, 27, has been waiting on the release of “Sharia Law” for years, believing that it sounds like a better version of I Am Legend. “People always talk about how it’s coming soon, and it sounds like it could be an awesome horror flick,” Canefield told Newslo. “I was pretty pumped because I have not…

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…

Nobel Committee to Award Peace Prize to Nobel Peace Prize Committee

Nobel-peace-prize-center

OSLO, Norway – The Nobel Peace Prize Committee will reportedly award the next Peace Prize to itself, according to the Oslo Ledger. The news is relatively unsurprising given the committee’s recent bewildering choices. The awards bestowed unto President Barack Obama, politician and activist Al Gore, former President Jimmy Carter, and the most recent recipient, the European Union, have all sparked great controversy.…

Minaj Eats Mariah’s Face On Camera While Screaming, “I’m a Motherfucking Monsta!”

Minaj-carey

LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between the two divas was first reported earlier in October, with Minaj allegedly calling the Grammy award-winning Carey a “bitch” during the early rounds of the show’s eleventh season. According to insiders, the…

Michele Bachmann Aims to Redefine the Word “Muslim”

WOODBURY, Minn. — Michele Bachmann, Minnesota congresswoman and ex-scarecrow, has denied allegations that she and her colleagues have been conducting “a witch hunt” for Muslim Americans. But recent letters from the representative have argued that Muslims in the U.S. government are part of a wide plot involving numerous ordinary Muslim-Americans who wish to “impose Sharia law worldwide.” Bachmann told Newslo in an…

Seattle Public Schools Order Teachers to Stop Making Money

SEATTLE — “Don’t worry, I don’t work on commission,” Best Buy employees explain with the same detached sincerity that pick-up artists use to convince their victims they are, in fact, not rapists. Best Buy hoped that by removing the financial incentive for employees to sell products, it would help alleviate the “hard sells” and pushy sales tactics that consumers have been complaining about…

Sexy NYT Best Sellers Save Parents from Having to Give “The Talk”

NEW YORK — With easy-to-read novels like the “Fifty Shades” series topping the charts of best selling lists everywhere, parents around the country are heaving sighs of relief. Popular books with rudimentary grammar, simple clauses, and crazy sexy subject matter are perfect, moms say, for handling the awkward task of informing curious minors of how babies are made. Other New York Times…

Both Candidates Still Vying for Game-Changing Endorsements

With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including: Todd Akin for Mitt Romney Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.”…

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

Drunk-driving

LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…

Progressive Car Insurance Names Amanda Bynes New Spokeswoman

MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive, one of the nation’s largest automobile insurers, has announced that it will massively revamp its marketing strategy in 2013. Among its most notable changes, a publicist said, is that it will enlist teen star and chronic car-totaler Amanda Bynes as its new spokeswoman. Progressive is largely known for its prolific ad campaigns featuring “Flo,” a quirky and…

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…

Progressive Art Teacher Prefers Term “African-American Pencils”

BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning at the Greenpoint Waldorf School serve to remind us that the quest for racial harmony is far from over. According to school administrators, art teacher Miss Amber was shocked to overhear second-grader…

Chronic Fondler Finds Home at JFK as TSA Employee

TSA

NEW YORK — Randy Green, a Queens resident and convicted sex offender guilty of public fondling, recently landed a job as a Transportation Security Administration employee at John F. Kennedy International Airport. Green, 56, who apparently suffers from a chronic compulsion to fondle the genitals of random passersby, applied for a job as a security official at the airport last month. The…