Oh Sharia Law, Where Art Thou

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ANTIGO, Wis. – Self-described movie buff Nick Canefield, 27, has been waiting on the release of “Sharia Law” for years, believing that it sounds like a better version of I Am Legend. “People always talk about how it’s coming soon, and it sounds like it could be an awesome horror flick,” Canefield told Newslo. “I was pretty pumped because I have not…

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

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WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

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GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market. Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want…

Nobel Committee to Award Peace Prize to Nobel Peace Prize Committee

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OSLO, Norway – The Nobel Peace Prize Committee will reportedly award the next Peace Prize to itself, according to the Oslo Ledger. The news is relatively unsurprising given the committee’s recent bewildering choices. The awards bestowed unto President Barack Obama, politician and activist Al Gore, former President Jimmy Carter, and the most recent recipient, the European Union, have all sparked great controversy.…

Minaj Eats Mariah’s Face On Camera While Screaming, “I’m a Motherfucking Monsta!”

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LOS ANGELES — Rapper and singer Nicki Minaj has reportedly devoured a piece of songstress Mariah Carey’s face on the most recent taping of “American Idol” auditions. The feud between the two divas was first reported earlier in October, with Minaj allegedly calling the Grammy award-winning Carey a “bitch” during the early rounds of the show’s eleventh season. According to insiders, the…

Michele Bachmann Aims to Redefine the Word “Muslim”

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WOODBURY, Minn. — Michele Bachmann, Minnesota congresswoman and ex-scarecrow, has denied allegations that she and her colleagues have been conducting “a witch hunt” for Muslim Americans. But recent letters from the representative have argued that Muslims in the U.S. government are part of a wide plot involving numerous ordinary Muslim-Americans who wish to “impose Sharia law worldwide.” Bachmann told Newslo in an…