Seattle Public Schools Order Teachers to Stop Making Money

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SEATTLE — “Don’t worry, I don’t work on commission,” Best Buy employees explain with the same detached sincerity that pick-up artists use to convince their victims they are, in fact, not rapists. Best Buy hoped that by removing the financial incentive for employees to sell products, it would help alleviate the “hard sells” and pushy sales tactics that consumers have been complaining about…

Both Candidates Still Vying for Game-Changing Endorsements

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With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including: Todd Akin for Mitt Romney Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.”…

Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

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LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…

Progressive Car Insurance Names Amanda Bynes New Spokeswoman

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MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive, one of the nation’s largest automobile insurers, has announced that it will massively revamp its marketing strategy in 2013. Among its most notable changes, a publicist said, is that it will enlist teen star and chronic car-totaler Amanda Bynes as its new spokeswoman. Progressive is largely known for its prolific ad campaigns featuring “Flo,” a quirky and…

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

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NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…

Progressive Art Teacher Prefers Term “African-American Pencils”

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BROOKLYN, N.Y.—Just four years ago, many heralded the election of President Barack Obama as the start of a post-racial America. But troubling incidents like the one that occurred Thursday morning at the Greenpoint Waldorf School serve to remind us that the quest for racial harmony is far from over. According to school administrators, art teacher Miss Amber was shocked to overhear second-grader…