NFL to Replace Kickoffs with “Moments of Silence

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NEW YORK — In the wake of the tragic shootings in Connecticut and the recent murder-suicide of Kasandra M. Perkins by Kansas City linebacker Jovan Belcher, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to permanently replace all “kick-offs” with “moments-of-silence.” The NFL has been campaigning to show its sensitive side for several years. This October marked the fourth year in a row that…

NHL Lockout Will Continue for as Long as it Takes to Ruin the Sport

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ISELIN, N.J. — In an interview following Wednesday’s meeting between the NHL and the National Hockey League Players’ Association (NHLPA), NHL commissioner Gary Bettman maintained that the NHL won’t give up in its effort to completely ruin professional hockey. “I clearly did too good of a job building up the NHL and increasing its appeal across the United States,” explained Bettman. “I…

NFL Hopes Fans Will Remain Apathetic About Player Safety

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DENVER — In an interview Sunday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed optimism that, over the remaining two months of the season, fans across America will continue to ignore the messy ethical issues surrounding the safety of professional football. “Despite countless reports detailing the detrimental effects football has on the long-term physical and mental health of players, the National Football League remains as popular as…