“I’m all for equal rights and everything,” said James Tomwell of the Kato Institute, “but there’s a reason men have always been in charge of the Fed. Women are emotional beings—which is great—but the market needs calm and reason, or else a recession could happen.”
“As you see, he has a beard,” she pointed out. “He’s married a Muslim woman. But he denies that he has converted himself. He denies that.”
NEW YORK – “GrubHub’s online food ordering service is now so advanced,” announced CEO Matt Maloney, “that our board of directors was actually able to order the entire company of Seamless.com for lunch on Monday.” “Similarly,” added Seamless President Jonathan Zabusky, sitting across a food-strewn table from Maloney, “Seamless.com has become so sophisticated that we were able to order all of GrubHub…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – Florida Governor Rick Scott is reportedly considering a bill sent to him by the state legislature that would “speed up” the capital punishment process in Florida by executing criminals right in the courtroom, only moments after receiving their sentences. The bill, which passed through both houses of the Florida state legislature with near-unanimous Republican support, seeks to appease lawmakers…
WASHINGTON — In an effort to gain more concrete justification for US military intervention in Syria, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has unofficially admitted to sending Bashar al-Assad a slew of chemical weapons labeled with the warning, “Do Not Use (Wink).” Despite pressure from Graham and others in Washington, President Obama has steadfastly refused to employ the use of military force in Syria,…
BOSTON – An investigation conducted by Newslo has uncovered the shocking and highly germane fact that Tamerlan Tsarnaev—the deceased suspect in the April 15 Boston Marathon bombings—wore tighty-whitey underwear, as opposed to boxers or boxer-briefs. Sources confirm that the elder Tsarnaev, thought to be the primary plotter of the attacks, wore the classic tighty-whiteys mostly for comfort reasons, but also because he…
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama again reiterated his desire to close the Guantanamo Bay military facility in Cuba, his comments coinciding with a massive hunger strike occurring at the base. “I don’t want these individuals to die,” Obama said in reference to the striking inmates. “We’re trying to fix this situation the best we can. But I think all of us should reflect…
NEW YORK — David Ranta, the New York City man who had been wrongfully accused and subsequently incarcerated for nearly twenty-three years over the murder of a Brooklyn rabbi, has suffered a severe and near-fatal heart attack days after gaining his freedom. Upon his release, Mr. Ranta began catching himself up worldly events that had occurred since 1990, the year he was…
NEWTOWN, Conn. — Almost three months since the December shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 28 people dead, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid confirmed today that a vote on gun control legislation will take place in April without a ban on assault weapons. Speaking at a press conference in Newtown, Conn., residents and community leaders gathered to“thank members of Congress,…
FORTWORTH, Tex. — American Airlines and US Airways merged in an $11-billion deal last Thursday, creating what will be the nation’s biggest and most patriotic airline ever. Thomas W. Horton, chairman of the newly merged, hyper-patriotic airline, told Newslo, “We’re not taking patriotism lightly. Expect big changes.” Americans interviewed by freewheeling journalists in airports across the country expressed concern that fare hikes…
NEW YORK — I have been told that “making it through” fashion week is a very difficult business. This is my first year in attendance, as I have only recently relocated to the United States after spending the past two years as a refugee journalist based in Khartoum. As I am told is customary for New York Fashion Week, I have gathered…
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age, declining health, and a strong desire to lose his virginity. Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi told reporters that the announcement caught Vatican officials off guard. “We all knew he was getting up there…
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – The American public is reacting with “shock” and “bewilderment” to reports that the murder of Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton was not a “rare, once or twice a decade” occurrence. The 15-year-old honor student—who only a week earlier sang at President Obama’s inauguration—was shot and killed January 29 in Chicago’s Hyde Park, and millions of Americans are…
PARIS — Sources inside the French government indicate that high-ranking members of the military are considering a plan to invade New Orleans, Louisiana, and tackle the crime problem there by force. Although New Orleans is located in the United States—a sovereign nation that is in no way subject to French governance or supervision—generals behind the plan believe sending troops into the city…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — In an effort to better tailor its services to the needs of its users, online dating website eHarmony has announced the launch of LuvDrunk, a dating site for people with crippling alcoholism and no aspirations of sobriety. Although its matching algorithm is notably successful in pairing users, eHarmony initially failed to recognize “a surprising number” of clients who…
CAIRO — In honor of the two-year anniversary of popular strikes centered around Egypt’s Tahrir Sqaure, the new democratically elected government has told police to open fire on Tahrir Square protestors. The government agonized for weeks about what an appropriate commemoration would be, nixing a fireworks display and building a commemorative arch, before deciding to kill and maim protestors. “The police crackdown…
Dear Pissed Connections, I just started dating this total hottie and we’ve been taking things slow. Last night she finally invited me upstairs into her apartment, and I was thrilled. To thank her for letting me go up, I figured I’d go down… on her. Once things really heated up mid make-out session, I began unzipping her pants, only to realize the…
NEW YORK — According to a popular article circulating social media websites, an independent study has definitively found flu vaccines to make old people confused and infertile. The article, featured on a website riddled with noisy pop-ups and links to conspiracy theorist forums, confirms that all three of the elderly people acting as subjects in the study were unable to solve a…
TEHRAN — American actors Steve Buscemi and John Goodman have been offered prominent roles in the Iranian government’s planned remake of Ben Affleck’s Oscar-nominated Argo, which chronicles the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis. The project’s director, Ataollah Salmanian — who has attacked Affleck’s film as “distorted” and “ahistoric” — announced his casting plans on Al-Jazeera yesterday, indicating that, if hired, Buscemi and Goodman…
PLANO, Texas — In the wake of Lance Armstrong’s reported admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his accomplished cycling career, many are left to wonder about the veracity of other public statements he has made, including those in which he claimed to be afflicted with life-threatening testicular cancer. Michael Donahue, owner of Mike’s Bikes in Portland, Oregon, is one of the…
WASHINGTON — Faces were red with embarrassment in the Oval Office yesterday when White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco discovered that the Obama administration had been using the Bush Policy Playbook rather than their own since the President took office in 2008. “I found a big stack of papers in the back of a utilities closet labeled Bush ’04 Foreign…
NEW YORK — Months after a series of mass shootings rocked the U.S., viewers are stunned to learn that there were actual victims involved. While popular news networks publicized many details concerning the culprits responsible for the Aurora and Sandy Hook tragedies, the public has been shocked to learn that almost nothing was said of the victims. Many viewers have admitted that…
NEW YORK — Last week, the Boy Scouts of America stirred controversy after denying Eagle Scout status to an openly gay California Scout. Now, refusing to cave to pressure to become more accepting, Boy Scout leaders have revealed their intention to double down on their homophobia by introducing a controversial new “Homosexual Shunning” merit badge. “With the introduction of the ‘Homosexual Shunning’…
