GrubHub and Seamless Order Each Other’s Companies for Lunch

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NEW YORK – “GrubHub’s online food ordering service is now so advanced,” announced CEO Matt Maloney, “that our board of directors was actually able to order the entire company of Seamless.com for lunch on Monday.” “Similarly,” added Seamless President Jonathan Zabusky, sitting across a food-strewn table from Maloney, “Seamless.com has become so sophisticated that we were able to order all of GrubHub…

Florida Considers Plan to Execute Criminals Right in the Courtroom

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – Florida Governor Rick Scott is reportedly considering a bill sent to him by the state legislature that would “speed up” the capital punishment process in Florida by executing criminals right in the courtroom, only moments after receiving their sentences. The bill, which passed through both houses of the Florida state legislature with near-unanimous Republican support, seeks to appease lawmakers…

Lindsey Graham to Give Syria Chemical Weapons Until He is Justified in Bombing Them

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WASHINGTON — In an effort to gain more concrete justification for US military intervention in Syria, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has unofficially admitted to sending Bashar al-Assad a slew of chemical weapons labeled with the warning, “Do Not Use (Wink).” Despite pressure from Graham and others in Washington, President Obama has steadfastly refused to employ the use of military force in Syria,…

Special Report: Tamerlan Tsarnaev Wore Tighty-Whiteys, Had Mole on Left Ankle

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BOSTON – An investigation conducted by Newslo has uncovered the shocking and highly germane fact that Tamerlan Tsarnaev—the deceased suspect in the April 15 Boston Marathon bombings—wore tighty-whitey underwear, as opposed to boxers or boxer-briefs. Sources confirm that the elder Tsarnaev, thought to be the primary plotter of the attacks, wore the classic tighty-whiteys mostly for comfort reasons, but also because he…

Man Wrongfully Incarcerated Leaves Jail, Has Heart Attack

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NEW YORK — David Ranta, the New York City man who had been wrongfully accused and subsequently incarcerated for nearly twenty-three years over the murder of a Brooklyn rabbi, has suffered a severe and near-fatal heart attack days after gaining his freedom. Upon his release, Mr. Ranta began catching himself up worldly events that had occurred since 1990, the year he was…