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Posts by tag

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117 posts
  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Markets Throw ‘Menstrual Tantrum’ as Janet Yellen Prepares to Take over the Fed

  • January 8, 2014
  • News Lo
“I’m all for equal rights and everything,” said James Tomwell of the Kato Institute, “but there’s a reason men have always been in charge of the Fed. Women are emotional beings—which is great—but the market needs calm and reason, or else a recession could happen.”
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  • NoNeedToSatirize
  • US

#NoNeedToSatirize: Speaker presents proof Grover Norquist is a secret Muslim: ‘He has a beard’

  • May 31, 2013
  • News Lo
“As you see, he has a beard,” she pointed out. “He’s married a Muslim woman. But he denies that he has converted himself. He denies that.”
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  • US

GrubHub and Seamless Order Each Other’s Companies for Lunch

  • May 24, 2013
  • News Lo
GrubHub
NEW YORK – “GrubHub’s online food ordering service is now so advanced,” announced CEO Matt Maloney, “that our board of directors was actually able to order the entire company of…
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  • US

Florida Considers Plan to Execute Criminals Right in the Courtroom

  • May 3, 2013
  • News Lo
GrubHub
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – Florida Governor Rick Scott is reportedly considering a bill sent to him by the state legislature that would “speed up” the capital punishment process in Florida by…
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  • Politics

Lindsey Graham to Give Syria Chemical Weapons Until He is Justified in Bombing Them

  • May 2, 2013
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — In an effort to gain more concrete justification for US military intervention in Syria, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has unofficially admitted to sending Bashar al-Assad a slew of…
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  • Media

Special Report: Tamerlan Tsarnaev Wore Tighty-Whiteys, Had Mole on Left Ankle

  • May 1, 2013
  • News Lo
BOSTON – An investigation conducted by Newslo has uncovered the shocking and highly germane fact that Tamerlan Tsarnaev—the deceased suspect in the April 15 Boston Marathon bombings—wore tighty-whitey underwear, as…
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  • Politics

Obama Admits He’s Confused over What Guantanamo Bay Actually Is

  • May 1, 2013
  • News Lo
GrubHub
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama again reiterated his desire to close the Guantanamo Bay military facility in Cuba, his comments coinciding with a massive hunger strike occurring at the base. “I…
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  • New York

Man Wrongfully Incarcerated Leaves Jail, Has Heart Attack

  • March 26, 2013
  • News Lo
ranta-ny
NEW YORK — David Ranta, the New York City man who had been wrongfully accused and subsequently incarcerated for nearly twenty-three years over the murder of a Brooklyn rabbi, has…
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  • US

Sandy Hook to Congress: “Thanks Sooo Much”

  • March 25, 2013
  • News Lo
NEWTOWN, Conn. — Almost three months since the December shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 28 people dead, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid confirmed today that a vote…
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  • US

Merger Will Create ‘Most Patriotic Airline Ever’

  • February 18, 2013
  • News Lo
FORTWORTH, Tex. — American Airlines and US Airways merged in an $11-billion deal last Thursday, creating what will be the nation’s biggest and most patriotic airline ever. Thomas W. Horton,…
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  • Blogs

How to Survive Fashion Week by a Refugee Journalist from Darfur

  • February 15, 2013
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — I have been told that “making it through” fashion week is a very difficult business. This is my first year in attendance, as I have only recently…
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  • World

Pope Benedict XVI To Say Goodbye to Vatican, Celibacy

  • February 11, 2013
  • News Lo
Pope-bloopers
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age,…
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  • US

Public Shocked to Discover Hadiya Pendleton’s Murder Wasn’t at all Unusual

  • February 11, 2013
  • News Lo
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – The American public is reacting with “shock” and “bewilderment” to reports that the murder of Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton was not a “rare, once…
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  • World

French Military Weighs New Orleans Invasion

  • February 6, 2013
  • News Lo
PARIS — Sources inside the French government indicate that high-ranking members of the military are considering a plan to invade New Orleans, Louisiana, and tackle the crime problem there by…
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  • US

eHarmony Launches Dating Site for Non-Recovering Alcoholics

  • February 4, 2013
  • News Lo
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — In an effort to better tailor its services to the needs of its users, online dating website eHarmony has announced the launch of LuvDrunk, a dating…
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  • Video

Newslo Weekly Roundup – February 4, 2013

  • February 4, 2013
  • News Lo
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  • World

Morsi to Celebrate Tahrir Sqaure Protests by Cracking Down on Tahrir Square Protests

  • February 1, 2013
  • News Lo
CAIRO — In honor of the two-year anniversary of popular strikes centered around Egypt’s Tahrir Sqaure, the new democratically elected government has told police to open fire on Tahrir Square…
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  • Blogs

Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections – George of Her Jungle!

  • January 29, 2013
  • News Lo
sam-pissed
Dear Pissed Connections, I just started dating this total hottie and we’ve been taking things slow. Last night she finally invited me upstairs into her apartment, and I was thrilled.…
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  • US

Independent Study Finds Flu Vaccines to Cause Confusion, Infertility in Elderly

  • January 22, 2013
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — According to a popular article circulating social media websites, an independent study has definitively found flu vaccines to make old people confused and infertile. The article, featured…
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  • World

Steve Buscemi, John Goodman Tapped to Star in Iranian Remake of Argo

  • January 21, 2013
  • News Lo
argo
TEHRAN — American actors Steve Buscemi and John Goodman have been offered prominent roles in the Iranian government’s planned remake of Ben Affleck’s Oscar-nominated Argo, which chronicles the 1979 Iranian…
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  • Sports

As Doping Scandal Unfolds, a Skeptical Public Wonders if Lance Armstrong Ever Really Had Cancer

  • January 18, 2013
  • News Lo
balls
PLANO, Texas — In the wake of Lance Armstrong’s reported admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his accomplished cycling career, many are left to wonder about the veracity of…
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  • Politics

Obama Discovers He’s Used Bush Foreign Policy Playbook Since 2008 Due to Clerical Error

  • January 16, 2013
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — Faces were red with embarrassment in the Oval Office yesterday when White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco discovered that the Obama administration had been using the…
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  • Media

Viewers Shocked to Discover There are Victims of Mass Shootings

  • January 16, 2013
  • News Lo
shocked-lady
NEW YORK — Months after a series of mass shootings rocked the U.S., viewers are stunned to learn that there were actual victims involved. While popular news networks publicized many…
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  • US

Boy Scouts Introduce ‘Homosexual Shunning’ Merit Badge

  • January 15, 2013
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — Last week, the Boy Scouts of America stirred controversy after denying Eagle Scout status to an openly gay California Scout. Now, refusing to cave to pressure to…
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