Brooklynites Arrested After Instagramming Crime Spree

WILLIAMSBURG, N.Y. — A group of Brooklynites are facing criminal mischief charges after vandalizing several Williamsburg boutiques, record stores, and coffee shops early Saturday morning, and then posting pictures of their crimes using the popular photo-sharing application Instagram. Authorities say the suspects uploaded over 450 photos to their Instagram accounts throughout the night, chronicling their insufferable mayhem while exposing their cleavage to the camera…

Icelandair Passenger Restrained with Gift Wrap After Mid-Flight Incidents

NEW YORK — A rowdy passenger was restrained mid-air Thursday night after disturbing his flight from Iceland to New York’s John F. Kennedy International Airport. Guðjón Arngrímsson, airline vice president of corporate communication, said the man was so unruly several passengers were forced to assist flight attendants. “I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Scarlett Blotting, an attendant on the flight.…

New CNN Chief Seeks “Hollywood Talent,” Bumps Anderson Cooper for Perez Hilton

NEW YORK — Since his appointment as President of CNN Worldwide in November, Jeff Zucker has repeatedly stated his ambition to increase the network’s coverage of entertainment news, most recently by bumping “Anderson Cooper 360°” from its usual timeslot to make room for a new show hosted by Perez Hilton. The “Perez Hilton Slut-Shaming Hour” will see its flashy host reporting on…

Jesus a No-Show at Own Birthday Party Yet Again

JERUSALEM – For the 1,979th consecutive year, Jesus, Son of God, has failed to show up for the birthday party thrown in his honor by Christians all over the world.  Promising to return to Earth shortly after ascending into Heaven “to grab a pack of smokes” months after His 33rd birthday, He has failed to return since. “I believed this would be…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Holiday Horoscopes Bah, Humbug SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: This week, you will be reminded of Christmases past and, unfortunately, something your uncle called “elf love”. Love:  Just because it’s Christmas does not mean you can call that girl a “Ho ho ho”. Career:  At the office party, you will make a drunken speech bitching about “Mike, who always fucking microwaves…

Newslo Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: The Sun is sleeping in your life cycle; stick its hand in warm water so it pees on itself. Love: You won’t impress a girl when you tell her your contribution to world hunger is “tube steak.” Career: You will never be “the man.” You will always be “the asshole.”…

Legislators Refuse to “Politicize” School Shooting Tragedy by Taking Meaningful Action

WASHINGTON — Echoing sentiments shared nationwide since the devastating elementary school shooting in Connecticut on Friday, Congress has maintained its position that it is better to just accept mass murder than to politicize such tragedies by making actual efforts to prevent them. The almost incomprehensible taking of 26 innocent lives – 20 of them young children – in Newtown, Connecticut, resonated powerfully…

Entire Mall Cringes at Opening Notes of “Santa Baby”

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CINCINNATI — It’s that time of the year again when the corridors of America’s malls and public spaces fill with Christmas music. But not all holiday carols are welcome. The shoppers at Cincinnati’s Northgate Mall reportedly uttered a collective cringe Sunday as the opening notes of “Santa Baby” came over the loudspeaker. “Ugh, it’s so gross,” shuddered Piercing Pagoda employee Kyla Mathers.…

Hamas Accuses Al-Qaeda of “Terror Monopoly”

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GAZA CITY — In a speech on Friday, Hamas political leader Khaled Meshaal accused Al-Qaeda of stifling terror competition while continuing to expand its own power base. Meshaal argued that Al-Qaeda’s terror stronghold and recruiting practices constituted “anti-competitive behavior,” and said he planned to bring an anti-trust case against the organization to a United States court. “We may hate America’s religion and foreign policy,…

O’Reilly Factor Producer Realizes Teleprompter Caps-Lock Has Been on for Years

NEW YORK — O’Reilly Factor producer Jay Richards revealed today the unlikely cause behind Bill O’Reilly’s explosive on-screen rage: the boisterous host is not actually the hair-trigger conservative blow-hard he seems to be, but for the entirety of the show’s run, the caps-lock on the studio teleprompter has been left on. “This explains so much,” said journalism legend Bill Moyers in a…

JDate and Christian Mingle to Hold Ecumenical Orgy

NEW YORK — With the holiday season just around the corner, JDate and Christian Mingle have announced their sponsorship of an interfaith sexual orgy. While both sites hold fast to their mission statements of pairing Jews with Jews and Christians with Christians, they hope that a one time inter-religious sexual bonanza will help promote religious tolerance. A JDate press release had this…

Disgraced Congressmen Lead “Scared Straight” Seminar for Incoming Legislators

WASHINGTON — Taking a page from the NFL’s playbook, on Friday Congress hosted its first ever “Scared Straight” seminar to warn freshman members about the pitfalls of sexting and governance. Keynote speakers Anthony Weiner and Chris Lee, both of whom resigned following embarrassing sexting scandals, addressed the incoming congressmen about the dangers and temptations that come with life as an intensely scrutinized, physically-fit public figure.…

Marcus Bachmann Has Change of Heart, Establishes Pray Today to be Gay Camp

STILLWATER, Minn. — Dr. Marcus Bachmann, husband of Minnesota representative Michelle Bachmann and hyper-masculine embodiment of heterosexuality, shocked the nation today when he announced plans to establish Pray-Today-to-be-Gay, a psychotherapeutic camp that seeks to revert former homosexuals back to the gay lifestyle. The program, which is already being mockingly referred to as “recruitment,” teaches men and women who have been “cured” through…

Post “Lincoln” Success, “William Henry Harrison” to Hit Theaters

LOS ANGELES — After Stephen Spielberg’s “Lincoln” received critical acclaim, little- known director Robert Wilcox announced today the release of his inspiring presidential biopic, “William Henry Harrison.” The epic tale follows our ninth president who died just 32 days after taking office. Kidd Martin, known for his role as “Axed Zombie” in “The Walking Dead” Season 1/ Episode 1, gives a breakout…

New Law Allows Doctors to Enter Home and Perform Colonoscopy without Permission

WASHINGTON — The Senate Judiciary Committee passed new legislation yesterday that allows doctors to break into patients’ homes and perform colonoscopies on any member of the household without permission. The legislation says that doctors can perform colonoscopies on as many family members as they deem necessary, and lubrication is not required. The measure was quietly bundled with revisions to the 1986 Electronic…

Ninety Percent of Syria Without Internet, Other Ten Percent Report Faster Download Speeds

DAMASCUS, Syria — After continued conflict between government forces and freedom fighters, 90 percent of Syrians are without phone or internet connections, while the other 10 percent report blazing fast download speeds. While broadband speeds have historically been a hot topic in the Middle East, analysts suspect that the increased connectivity for a minority of the population will have a significant impact…

Obama Apologizes for Overstuffed Benghazi Narrative, Cites ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Director as Influence

WASHINGTON — In a press conference earlier today, President Barack Obama blamed a recent viewing of “The Dark Knight Rises” for his complex and difficult to follow narrative on the Benghazi embassy attacks. According to the president, senior advisors thought the “Muslim protest” angle would make for a more engaging, action-packed story than a premeditated al-Qaeda attack. But this is not the…

Chicago School District Bans Wealthy Students From Attending Class In Order to Level Playing Field

CHICAGO — In an unprecedented attempt to fix America’s education system, the Chicago school district has banned all students from families making more than $27,000 a year from attending class. The board argues that because children from low-income families get a disproportionately lower education than their wealthier counterparts, the ban will level the playing field once and for all. “The savage inequalities…

Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week:  This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom.  Love: The deli guy is in like with you.  Career:  When you find out the woman in the cubicle next to you isn’t pregnant; you will want to apologize for “trying to…

Ghost of Jovan Belcher’s Girlfriend Reminds Media She’s Also Dead

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Kansas City, Mo. — The ghost of Kasandra Perkins– the 23 year-old who was murdered by Kansas City Chiefs Linebacker Jovan Belcher before he drove to a Chiefs practice facility, thanked his general manager, coach, and defensive coordinator for the opportunity to play for them, and then fatally shot himself in the head–held a lightly-attended press conference this morning to remind the…