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Politics

Republicans Vow to Filibuster Filibuster Reform

WASHINGTON–Amidst a heated debate, Republicans announced their plan to filibuster the filibuster reform proposed by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Republicans believe filibuster reform diminishes the voice of the senate…

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Evangelicals Urge Uganda to Downgrade ‘Kill the Gays’ Bill to ‘Maim the Gays’

LAKE FOREST, Calif. — A group of influential evangelical leaders held a joint press conference today at Saddleback Church, home of uber-evangelical phenom Rick Warren, to urge the Ugandan Parliament…

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World

Pope’s New Book Challenges Facts of Christmas, Birth of Jesus

VATICAN CITY — Just in time for Christmas, bestselling author Pope Benedict XVI is set to release “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives,” promising that the third volume in his…

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Sports

Newslo Announces Launch of Arbitrary Statistics Sports Feed

NEW YORK — In an effort to capitalize on social media and appease the high demand for fun facts and stats around the sports world, Newslo has announced the launch…

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Media

Red Dawn Remake Accidentally Endorses Terrorism

LOS ANGELES — After viewing a matinee showing of “Red Dawn” with his family Sunday, the film’s director, Dan Bradley, was reportedly struck by the undeniable sense that he had…

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Entire State of Texas Attempts to Run Away

DALLAS — Last week, after numerous threats of secession, thousands of Texans were discovered writing passive-aggressive goodbye notes and filling backpacks with non-perishable food items. Federal officials assure that the…

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Exciting Discovery by NASA Rover Revealed to Be More Fucking Space Dust

WASHINGTON — Citizens of the United States have once again gotten their big, stupid hopes up just to have them smashed into tiny pieces by the federally-funded cocktease we call…

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Americans Lacking Basic Understanding of Probability Disappointed by Powerball Results

TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Thousands of Americans lacking a rudimentary understanding of probability and statistics had their dreams crushed on Wednesday night after learning they hadn’t won Powerball’s record $579 million…

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Politics

After Hostess, Michelle Obama Sets her Sights on Little Debbie

WASHINGTON — Fresh off her successful crusade forcing junk food stalwart Hostess into bankruptcy, First Lady Michelle Obama has another individually-wrapped dessert purveyor in her crosshairs: Little Debbie. “Having relegated…

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Politics

Allen West Excited to Take Insane Ranting to Private Sector

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida Congressman Allen West has had a difficult time finding employment after losing a hotly-contested congressional race earlier this month. But the former marine says he’s…

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Blogs

Ayman al-Zawahiri’s Travel Blog

After realizing I wasn’t getting any respect as the leader of the world’s greatest terrorist organization, I decided to push my luck and go on vacation. Since half the world…

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Sports

Tebow Describes Jets Performance as “Basically Martyrdom”

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — After the Jets’ humiliating Thanksgiving defeat against the Patriots, only backup quarterback and perennial optimist Tim Tebow could offer a theory with some positivity to it.…

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World

Netanyahu: Palestine was a Dress Rehearsal for Iran

TEL AVIV — After less than a week of peace in the Middle East, Israel has reignited tensions in the region by admitting the nation’s recent conflict with Palestine was…

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Sports

University of Delhi Accepts Invitation to Join Big Ten Conference

NEW DELHI — The NCAA’s ‘conference carousel’ has now turned global. The Big Ten will be adding the University of Delhi to its membership of universities within the next few…

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New York

With MTA Service Restored, Homeless Glad to be Ignored by Familiar Faces

NEW YORK — As the city returns to normal post-Sandy, New York’s homeless report they are just happy to be ignored by familiar commuters back to their daily routines. With…

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Politics

Obama to Give Romney “Loser’s Tour” of White House

WASHINGTON — In his acceptance speech Election Night, President Obama remarked that he’d hoped to meet with Republican challenger Mitt Romney in the near-future. Many pundits dismissed it as a…

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Politics

Developing Nations Send Back “Romney Wins!” T-Shirts

NAIROBI, Kenya — Shortly after Republican Mitt Romney’s defeat in the 2012 election became official, the campaign followed standard procedure and sent hundreds of thousands of t-shirts and hats declaring…

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Politics

Red Bull to Sponsor Congress’ Fiscal Cliff Dive

WASHINGTON — The new session of congress promises to be more adrenaline filled than ever before, and the energy drink company Red Bull is not going to miss out on…

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Media

Anderson Cooper Reports From Atop Live Missile

GAZA CITY — CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper is currently stationed on top of a live missile in Gaza, where he could potentially be violently propelled into the sky at any moment,…

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States Use Federal Website to Politely Request Permission to Secede from Union

WASHINGTON — A new secession fad has been sweeping the nation, as residents in all fifty U.S. states have now filed proposals to break with the federal government, each utilizing…

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World

Syria Seeks to Compete in Middle Eastern Violence, Launches Public Relations Campaign

DAMASCUS — Taking advantage of the public relations opportunity created by the Hamas-Israel ceasefire, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has launched a campaign to garner international attention towards his murderous campaign…

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Media

Nation’s Attention Span Tested by Numerous Foreign Conflicts, TV Singing Competitions

NEW YORK — With several conflicts raging in the Middle East, media scholars report that Americans across the country have become increasingly irritable and confused. They frequently find themselves overwhelmed…

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Politics

Supreme Court to Defend State Right to Suppress Votes

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court announced today its intention to once again review Section 5 of the Voting Rights Acts, a case that may see the justices finally embracing…

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Media

CNN Viewers Hurling Selves Over Actual Cliffs to Avoid Listening to Network’s Coverage

NEW YORK — Tormented by almost around-the-clock coverage regarding the impending fiscal cliff, scores of CNN viewers have begun throwing themselves off actual cliffs. From the instant that Obama won…

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