Monsanto Begins Harvesting Farmers

ST. LOUIS, MO — As farmers prepare for the height of corn harvesting season this October, they do so in the midst of alarming new concerns about their crop. The recent streak of farmer disappearances throughout the Midwest is now being linked to a corn variety produced by the oft-maligned agribusiness behemoth Monsanto. Corn variety NK603, it seems, has begun to harvest…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics Old-Timer to Regale Children with Tales of Life Before 2012 Presidential Race LANSING, Mich. — Old Man Watkins, a retired machine-parts fabricator from East Lansing, will amaze his grandchildren with the revelation that he remembers what life was like before the seemingly endless 2012 Presidential race. “It was so long ago, but I’ll do my best,” the septuagenarian will strain to…

Newt Gingrich Auctions Off Contents of His Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to stay relevant while other conservatives dominate the spotlight, former Speaker of the House and 2012 presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has announced an unusual new business plan: he is putting his own highly expressive mouth up for sale. The often-controversial politician stated that he had “only one or two beliefs that I actually cling to.” I…

Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.” As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what…

Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…

California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…

Sanctions With Ahmadinejad

TEHRAN, IRAN — Greetings from Tehran! No, this isn’t a bearded Jake Gyllenhaal in his newest role. It is I, Mahmoud, live and in the flesh in my private bunker. Fear not: I have not taken to the bunker because I am in danger. I merely thought I saw a Jew, so I took refuge. As your people continue to tighten your…

Apple Strudel® Unveils New iPastry 5

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Apple Strudel, Inc. CEO Tim Cookie held a press conference over the weekend to announce the release date of the highly-anticipated iPastry 5 – the latest in the company’s popular iPastry series which features larger breadcrumbs, a thin, sleek pastry jacket and unprecedented access to the apple cinnamon-raisin filling. “This is the future of baked goods” Cookie said…

Andy Purman’s Pity Party

Dear Pity Party, My wife is pregnant with our first son, but we just can’t seem to agree on what to name him! I’m tired of all the arguing. She wants to name him Nigel, after her late father, but I am reluctant to use this name in case I love my son. What do we do?? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Nigel Dear He-Who, First of…

Hollywood Studios Offer Nic Cage $75m for 5-Year Movie Moratorium

LOS ANGELES — Three of the film industry’s largest studios have banded together to finance a new offer for Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage: $75 million to stay away from Tinseltown backlots for the next half-decade. Paramount, Universal, and Warner Brothers have reportedly pitched in $25 million each. Cage, once one of the film industry’s brightest talents, won an Oscar for his…

Replacement NFL Referees Review Third Down Play, Overturn Citizens United

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — After nearly ten minutes of review following a critical third down play that was originally ruled a fumble on Panthers running back Deangelo Williams, referee Jim Core announced to a confused stadium that the Citizens United ruling of 2010 was, in fact, unconstitutional. Core delivered the majority opinion, stating, “After further review, the ruling on the field has been…

New Orleans Braces For Asteroid

NEW ORLEANS, LA — New Orleans is making provisions for yet another disaster as reports from NASA surfaced this week that claim a 17-Thetis asteroid broke from Neptune’s Trojan orbit and will strike the tremendously unlucky city sometime next week. The asteroid, though relatively small by astronomical standards, is expected to virtually demolish the Crescent City in one demonstrative, fatal smack down.…

Personal Injury Lawyer Will Personally Injure You

Injury-lawyer

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A new commercial for Schwartz, Schwartz & Delano LLC, claims personal injury litigator Sol Delano will personally injure you, pin the blame on someone else, and then provide legal representation against this person to get you the compensation you deserve. “Have you been injured in an accident?” Delano asks into the camera. “If not, let’s make something happen. In…

Agent to Make Stephen Strasburg Cryogenically Freeze Right Arm Until Spring Training

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two weeks after the Washington Nationals officially shut down their perfectly healthy ace pitcher in the midst of a pennant race, Stephen Strasburg’s agent Scott Boras and Nats GM Mike Rizzo has now successfully lobbied with Nats manager Davey Johnson to force Strasburg to cryogenically freeze his arm until spring training. “Safety is our number one concern here,” Boras…

Republicans Claim Conception Begins at First Mojito

Mojito-conception

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican members of Congress have issued a new referendum on abortion and birth control, asserting that the conception of a child begins at first Mojito. “When you’re looking into her eyes, and you take a sip of that drink right after the bartender gives it to you – that’s when a child is born,” said Virginia representative Eric Cantor…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…