California Pot Growers Unite for ‘Hydroponic Aid’ Fundraiser
For “my man, Willie,” Allman was willing to look the other way—and donate the department’s water cooler to the cause.
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Poll: For President, Americans Prefer Cheaters, Druggies over Atheists
“Without God, there is literally nothing to stop a president from cannibalizing the nation’s children one by one,” noted Kevin Moore of Erie, Pennsylvania.
Organizers Declare 7 Billion Show Up for Operation American Spring Rally in Washington
“As a matter of health and safety, we spaced the participants out to ensure our message reaches the four corners of the globe,” said Riley.
Ted Cruz’s Father Says UN Wants Your Bodily Fluids
“The human body is 70% water, and Agenda 21 - so-named because it refers to the 21% of the body not made of water- is a plot to control that 70%. Don’t let them control your 70%!”
CIA Secret Polish Jail Getting Great Airbnb Reviews
“Due to the rave reviews this property is receiving,” a company spokesperson said, “we are in serious negations with the U.S. government in an attempt to rent out rooms at Guantanamo Bay.. ”
Amazon To Provide Customers Hit by UPS, FedEx Delays with Complimentary Sweatshop Workers
“This is why I love Amazon,” said Chicago resident Randy Klopeck, a proud member of Amazon Prime, the service that guarantees two-day-shipping of products. “They don’t make excuses; they solve problems.”
Vatican Paints over Sistine Chapel Ceiling, Calling It ‘Too Lavish’
Asked about the loss of priceless works of art that were recently restored at the cost of millions of dollars, a Vatican spokesperson pointed reporters to the gift shop where there are “many postcards and reprints for sale.”
Nation Dismisses Education Report, Notes America Still World Leader in Sports
The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”
Jack Ryan Dead at 63
“Jack Ryan is the worst thing to happen to America since John Rambo,” Eliot continued. “Or at least since Dick Cheney.”
Detroit Police Announce Capture of Escaped Inmate: ‘Only 39 to go’
"I can’t speak for the people who commit the 70 percent of murders that go unsolved. But if you have been processed through the justice system, escaped, and are running loose, your time is limited. Usually.”
#NNTS: Fox News guest: ‘That’s a teaching moment’ when hungry students don’t get school lunches
A Fox News guest on Thursday argued that hungry students would have a “teaching moment” if they were refused access in the cafeteria line to school lunches because their parents…
North Dakota Opens ‘All-Inclusive’ White Supremacist Resort
Both Linder and Metzger are reasonably happy with their accommodations, which feature plenty of arable land, antique wicker furniture, and decorative Nazi memorabilia.
#NNTS: Former Cheney aide demands Syria ‘exit strategy’ from Obama
"What is the exit strategy? None of these questions are answered.”
Multi-City Bull Running Tour Proves Economy Healed
“It seems as if times are bullish indeed,” added Krugman.
Anthony Weiner Denies Rumors of ‘Dating’ App Profile
Scandal-plagued New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has refused to respond to rumors that a recently deleted profile on the popular hook-up app Tinder belongs to him.
I Spot A Crony: NRA’s Top Scholarship Winners of 2012
Congratulations to all the NRA’s scholarship winners! You really know how to keep your deep-pocketed constituents happy.
Ironically, Europe Calls For ‘More Germans’
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we need more Germans,” said Felipe Renoir, who was a boy in France when Germany invaded the country in World War II.
News in August is Quiet, Almost….Too Quiet
More recently, Stengel has dispatched an investigative team to Denmark to report on a testicle biting fish.
‘Kids for Cash’ Judge Sentenced to Become World’s First Human Piñata
PHILADELPHIA — A Pennsylvania judge who was involved in a “Kids for Cash” scheme unsuccessfully appealed his racketeering conviction this week, and is himself facing what legal experts are calling…