For “my man, Willie,” Allman was willing to look the other way—and donate the department’s water cooler to the cause.
“Without God, there is literally nothing to stop a president from cannibalizing the nation’s children one by one,” noted Kevin Moore of Erie, Pennsylvania.
“As a matter of health and safety, we spaced the participants out to ensure our message reaches the four corners of the globe,” said Riley.
“The human body is 70% water, and Agenda 21 – so-named because it refers to the 21% of the body not made of water- is a plot to control that 70%. Don’t let them control your 70%!”
“Due to the rave reviews this property is receiving,” a company spokesperson said, “we are in serious negations with the U.S. government in an attempt to rent out rooms at Guantanamo Bay.. ”
“This is why I love Amazon,” said Chicago resident Randy Klopeck, a proud member of Amazon Prime, the service that guarantees two-day-shipping of products. “They don’t make excuses; they solve problems.”
Asked about the loss of priceless works of art that were recently restored at the cost of millions of dollars, a Vatican spokesperson pointed reporters to the gift shop where there are “many postcards and reprints for sale.”
The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”
“Jack Ryan is the worst thing to happen to America since John Rambo,” Eliot continued. “Or at least since Dick Cheney.”
“I can’t speak for the people who commit the 70 percent of murders that go unsolved. But if you have been processed through the justice system, escaped, and are running loose, your time is limited. Usually.”
A Fox News guest on Thursday argued that hungry students would have a “teaching moment” if they were refused access in the cafeteria line to school lunches because their parents hadn’t properly filled out the right paperwork. During a segment…
Both Linder and Metzger are reasonably happy with their accommodations, which feature plenty of arable land, antique wicker furniture, and decorative Nazi memorabilia.
“What is the exit strategy? None of these questions are answered.”
“It seems as if times are bullish indeed,” added Krugman.
Scandal-plagued New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has refused to respond to rumors that a recently deleted profile on the popular hook-up app Tinder belongs to him.
Congratulations to all the NRA’s scholarship winners! You really know how to keep your deep-pocketed constituents happy.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we need more Germans,” said Felipe Renoir, who was a boy in France when Germany invaded the country in World War II.
More recently, Stengel has dispatched an investigative team to Denmark to report on a testicle biting fish.
PHILADELPHIA — A Pennsylvania judge who was involved in a “Kids for Cash” scheme unsuccessfully appealed his racketeering conviction this week, and is himself facing what legal experts are calling an “unusual punishment.” Former Judge Mark Ciavarella Jr. will have to forfeit the $2.8 million in bribes he and his colleague received from a private prison contractor in exchange for sentencing black…