Cool Guy Rubio Name Drops Jay-Z During Filibuster, Then Calls For Investigation of His Vacation

WASHINGTON — During the twelfth hour of a filibuster initiated by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul last Wednesday, Florida Senator and real cool guy Marco Rubio took the floor to draw parallels between the state of the union and the lyrics of rappers Jay-Z and Wiz Khalifa, whom Rubio called “modern-day poets.” “‘It’s funny when seven days can change. It was all good…

Death Row Inmates to Begin Patrolling Arizona Schools

PHOENIX — In response to the recent wave of public shootings, every school Arizona will be patrolled by what Sheriff Joe Arpaio has called “a super chain gang” made up of death row inmates who have all served at least seven years. According to the official statement released by the Sheriff’s Department, any death row inmate, regardless of crime, is eligible for…