News satire and humor

#NNTS: NH lawmaker: Women deserve less pay because they don’t work hard like men

“Men, by and large, make more because some of the things that they do,” he opined. “Their jobs are, by and large, riskier. They don’t mind working nights and weekends. They don’t mind working overtime or outdoors.”

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10 Lottery Winners Who Won It All and Lived Brokely Ever After

With determination and a fair amount of luck, anyone can join this fine group of inspiring lottery success stories.

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Americans Vaguely Aware of Some Storm or Something in the Philippines

“Yeah, I read about that on this one guy’s blog,” said Walter Hammand of Kansas City, Missouri. “Some big storm, right? Real nasty, just like Superstorm Sandy.”

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13 Reasons Why We Can’t Stop Making Stupid Fu*ken Lists

You are more likely to read this, statistically speaking, if I organize this article in list form

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Egyptian Raids Fail to Yield Any Panties

No witnesses reported seeing authorities cart away boxes – or even handfuls – of activists’ panties.

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News in August is Quiet, Almost….Too Quiet

More recently, Stengel has dispatched an investigative team to Denmark to report on a testicle biting fish.

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Doctor Claims Obamacare Requires Universal Chemotherapy for Sick and Healthy Alike

“Now, neither Dr. Fata nor I read through all 10,000 pages of the regulations, but the stench of government overreach is unmistakable.”

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Media

Boston Globe Sold to Red Sox Owner Following Reports of Doped Up News Cycle

The fanfare surrounding the paper’s return to local ownership largely eclipsed the tacit admission of an otherwise open secret long held by owners of broadsheets.

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Sports

Limbaugh Backs Receiver’s Racist Comment, Cautions Country Music Fans

“My only advice to you, Riley Cooper, is that you don’t pronounce the “r” at the end,” concluded Limbaugh. “Apparently that makes it worse to them. Even when you’re at a country music concert.”

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Nation Wonders: Have Whistleblowers Gone Extinct?

"I thought I saw a whistleblower just the other day, when I was visiting Moscow. But then my friend told me that, technically, what we’d seen has been classified as a traitor. What a let-down!"

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Media

Fox News Accuses Muslim Of Knowing Who Jesus Is

It is not yet clear how long the author has used his Christian family to shield his Islamic faith from the public. Authorities say that if Aslan’s family wishes to seek protection, they should do so now in order to avoid any potential connection to terrorist activity.

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Va. Governor Returns Donations, Clearing his Name

Federal and state investigators are still looking into the Williams-McDonnell gifts, though they will surely stop once they hear he’s sorry.

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Limbaugh: ‘It’s preposterous that Caucasians are blamed for slavery’

“If any race of people should not have guilt about slavery, it’s Caucasians. The white race has probably had fewer slaves and for a briefer period of time than any other in the history of the world.”

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Zimmerman Wants to Become a Lawyer Because ‘Why the Hell Not?

I’ll probably bomb the shit out of it, get rejected from every school under the sun except for Florida’s unaccredited ones – I’m looking at you, Law and Order Binge-Watching Institute of Orlando -- then start my own practice,” Zimmerman said with pride.

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U.S. Pins Hopes to Regain World’s Fattest Nation Status on Return of Twinkies

“With the return of the Twinkie,” he concluded, “America will not only be the Greatest Nation on Earth – but also the Greatest Nation in Girth.”

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Robertson warns on LGBT marriages: God could do something ‘drastic’

“Look what happened to Sodom. After a while, there wasn’t any other way, and God did something pretty drastic.”

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SCOTUS Throws Gays a Bone in Attempt to Get Everyone to Quit Harping on Voting Rights Decision

Justice Stephen Breyer took the moment to interject, “Yesterday all the Democrats hated us, today all the Republicans hate us. So now everybody hates us. Nice going, Anthony. Christ, grow a spine.”

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World

Brazilian Protests Could Spark Rrrrrrrevolution!

They seek to reduce corruption and fight official repression; they also seek to dance, dance, dance.

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Florida man beaten, left naked in cow pasture on first date

“Are you serious?” Williams replied.

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Politics

Cool Guy Rubio Name Drops Jay-Z During Filibuster, Then Calls For Investigation of His Vacation

WASHINGTON — During the twelfth hour of a filibuster initiated by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul last Wednesday, Florida Senator and real cool guy Marco Rubio took the floor to draw…

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Death Row Inmates to Begin Patrolling Arizona Schools

PHOENIX — In response to the recent wave of public shootings, every school Arizona will be patrolled by what Sheriff Joe Arpaio has called “a super chain gang” made up…

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