“Men, by and large, make more because some of the things that they do,” he opined. “Their jobs are, by and large, riskier. They don’t mind working nights and weekends. They don’t mind working overtime or outdoors.”

With determination and a fair amount of luck, anyone can join this fine group of inspiring lottery success stories.

“Yeah, I read about that on this one guy’s blog,” said Walter Hammand of Kansas City, Missouri. “Some big storm, right? Real nasty, just like Superstorm Sandy.”

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No witnesses reported seeing authorities cart away boxes – or even handfuls – of activists’ panties.

More recently, Stengel has dispatched an investigative team to Denmark to report on a testicle biting fish.

“Now, neither Dr. Fata nor I read through all 10,000 pages of the regulations, but the stench of government overreach is unmistakable.”

The fanfare surrounding the paper’s return to local ownership largely eclipsed the tacit admission of an otherwise open secret long held by owners of broadsheets.