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Michael Bloomberg Regains Control of Company for Another Term, Renames It ‘Newer York City’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo New York, Today's Headlines September 9, 2014

Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.

Jesus’s Wife Wrote ‘Dear John’ Letter on Ancient Papyrus

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo World April 27, 2014

The letter ends with a lipstick stain that, under scrutiny, was revealed to consist of a wine-water base.

#NNTS: Maine Republican regrets saying men should rape women if abortion is legal

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize February 28, 2014

“At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death.”

Flag-makers Panic as Plan to Break Calif. into 6 States Moves Forward

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo US February 23, 2014

“We’ve had a way of doing business for 55 years,” he said. “Thirteen stripes plus fifty stars equals one American flag. Draper wants to ruin all that with his psychotic ‘plan.’”

Republican Worried Corruption Trial Will Implicate Too Many Republicans; Asks for Delay Until After Elections

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo New York, Today's Headlines February 18, 2014

“There isn’t a Republican official alive who won’t be sent to prison if my trial moves forward.

Belgian Government Embraces Suicide for Kids

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo World February 13, 2014
Cinquantenairerally

According to Belgian lawmakers, people have the right to die, if they so choose. Now they’re extending that right to kids, and experts say that “mass child suicide is right around the corner.”

Tanaka Celebrates $155 Million Yankees Deal with Sushi and Steroids Party

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Sports, Today's Headlines January 22, 2014

“We can’t expect Masahiro to show up in America and immediately know how everything works,” Margolis said.

Fox News Claims Scientific Breakthrough in ‘Wussification’ of Men’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Media January 21, 2014

The research, funded by the Fox News Partnership for a Post-Feminist Society, offers great promise in the race to cure the nation’s “wimps, wussies, metrosexuals, and latte-sipping progressives” of their dangerous weaknesses.

Bloomberg Refuses Mayor De Blasio’s Snowstorm Precautions, Gets Buried In Own Home

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo New York, Today's Headlines January 3, 2014

“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”

Lesson Learned, U.S. Sends WMDs to Iraq before Reinvading

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines January 3, 2014

Continued Rumsfeld, “These circumstances were a complete unknown at the time we were waging the original offensive in Iraq. But some Christmas wishes really do come true.”

GOP Voters Call Science a ‘Ridiculous Leap of Faith’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US January 1, 2014

Michael Crane said that for him, such proof could only come from one source. “Until my pastor says evolution is real, I will keep questioning the validity of so-called science,” Crane said. “It would be intellectually lazy to do otherwise.”

Grateful Americans Thank Colorado for Attracting the Nation’s Potheads

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US December 30, 2013

“These people have been camping out here, waiting ‘til the first. They’ve been eating like bears, so business is good, but it’s starting to smell like patchouli in here, and it’s scaring away the other customers.”

Congressman Vacates Rental, Leaves Behind Maggots, Broken Toilets, Hooker- Demands Refund

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines December 24, 2013

“If I wasn’t a member of Congress, no one would pay attention to this at all. Even with the dead hooker.”

Target Offering 30% to Credit Card Thieves

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US December 23, 2013

“Stealing is wrong,” said company CEO Gregg Steinhafel, “but Target is a company that values ingenuity, and targeting and mining information from our point-of-sale system is pretty ingenious.”

Indian Diplomat Stopped and Frisked in New York

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, World December 18, 2013

“If they are not going to look out for our country’s representatives why should we look out for theirs?” said India’s Deputy Foreign Minister Preneet Kaur.

North Korea Deletes Facebook, LinkedIn of Purged Uncle

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, World December 16, 2013
North Korea

“I heard the reports, so I feared the worst, but sometimes it isn’t real until their LinkedIn page is gone, you know?” Pak added.

More Than 300 Million Americans Have Not Been Killed by Guns Since Newtown

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US December 13, 2013

Another study revealed that, on average, as many as five minutes go by every day in America without somebody getting shot.

Morrissey Devastated to Discover Memoir’s U.S. Edition Printed on Animal Skins

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Entertainment, Today's Headlines December 12, 2013
Morrissey

“And seriously, animal skins? Who does that?” Karnes added. “I can only imagine it cost the American publisher a fortune to bind and distribute tens of thousands of pages of … of hide. But why?”

Obama Secretly Asked Kenyan Uncle to Self-Deport

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines December 11, 2013

So Onyango Okech Obama was dumbfounded when he received a curt request from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to “politely self-deport back to Kenya so as not to create yet another headache for B.O.”

#NNTS: Ted Cruz coloring book for children says Obamacare ‘worse than any war’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize, Today's Headlines December 10, 2013

“At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves,” the book adds.

Nation Stunned By Fatal Police Shooting of Unarmed White Man

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US December 9, 2013

“It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, he wasn’t just white—he was in college too,” classmate Johanna Mayes told My San Antonio.

Rob Ford Possessed by Ghost of Chris Farley

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, World November 20, 2013

As of press time, David Spade is frantically trying to call Ford about the possibility of making Black Sheep 2.

#NNTS: Tony Perkins wants the ‘liberty’ to deny birth control: ‘That’s why the Pilgrims came here’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize, Today's Headlines November 11, 2013

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins on Monday argued that companies should have the religious freedom to deny contraception coverage for women because “that’s why the Pilgrims came here.”

Drone Strike Accidentally Kills Intended Target

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines November 5, 2013

“But thanks to our drone warfare program operating as intended for once, we can catch a breather before we spend the next few years re-bombing the same area looking for his successor.”

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