news satire - NewsLo

Michael Bloomberg Regains Control of Company for Another Term, Renames It ‘Newer York City’

Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.

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World

Jesus’s Wife Wrote ‘Dear John’ Letter on Ancient Papyrus

The letter ends with a lipstick stain that, under scrutiny, was revealed to consist of a wine-water base.

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NNTS: Maine Republican regrets saying men should rape women if abortion is legal

“At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death.”

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Flag-makers Panic as Plan to Break Calif. into 6 States Moves Forward

“We’ve had a way of doing business for 55 years,” he said. “Thirteen stripes plus fifty stars equals one American flag. Draper wants to ruin all that with his psychotic ‘plan.’"

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Republican Worried Corruption Trial Will Implicate Too Many Republicans; Asks for Delay Until After Elections

“There isn’t a Republican official alive who won’t be sent to prison if my trial moves forward.

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World

Belgian Government Embraces Suicide for Kids

According to Belgian lawmakers, people have the right to die, if they so choose. Now they’re extending that right to kids, and experts say that “mass child suicide is right around the corner.”

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Tanaka Celebrates $155 Million Yankees Deal with Sushi and Steroids Party

“We can’t expect Masahiro to show up in America and immediately know how everything works,” Margolis said.

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Media

Fox News Claims Scientific Breakthrough in ‘Wussification’ of Men’

The research, funded by the Fox News Partnership for a Post-Feminist Society, offers great promise in the race to cure the nation’s “wimps, wussies, metrosexuals, and latte-sipping progressives” of their dangerous weaknesses.

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Bloomberg Refuses Mayor De Blasio’s Snowstorm Precautions, Gets Buried In Own Home

“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”

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Lesson Learned, U.S. Sends WMDs to Iraq before Reinvading

Continued Rumsfeld, “These circumstances were a complete unknown at the time we were waging the original offensive in Iraq. But some Christmas wishes really do come true.”

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GOP Voters Call Science a ‘Ridiculous Leap of Faith’

Michael Crane said that for him, such proof could only come from one source. “Until my pastor says evolution is real, I will keep questioning the validity of so-called science,” Crane said. “It would be intellectually lazy to do otherwise.”

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Grateful Americans Thank Colorado for Attracting the Nation’s Potheads

“These people have been camping out here, waiting ‘til the first. They’ve been eating like bears, so business is good, but it’s starting to smell like patchouli in here, and it’s scaring away the other customers.”

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Congressman Vacates Rental, Leaves Behind Maggots, Broken Toilets, Hooker- Demands Refund

“If I wasn’t a member of Congress, no one would pay attention to this at all. Even with the dead hooker.”

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Target Offering 30% to Credit Card Thieves

“Stealing is wrong,” said company CEO Gregg Steinhafel, “but Target is a company that values ingenuity, and targeting and mining information from our point-of-sale system is pretty ingenious.”

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Indian Diplomat Stopped and Frisked in New York

"If they are not going to look out for our country's representatives why should we look out for theirs?" said India's Deputy Foreign Minister Preneet Kaur.

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North Korea Deletes Facebook, LinkedIn of Purged Uncle

“I heard the reports, so I feared the worst, but sometimes it isn’t real until their LinkedIn page is gone, you know?” Pak added.

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More Than 300 Million Americans Have Not Been Killed by Guns Since Newtown

Another study revealed that, on average, as many as five minutes go by every day in America without somebody getting shot.

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Morrissey Devastated to Discover Memoir’s U.S. Edition Printed on Animal Skins

“And seriously, animal skins? Who does that?” Karnes added. “I can only imagine it cost the American publisher a fortune to bind and distribute tens of thousands of pages of … of hide. But why?”

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Obama Secretly Asked Kenyan Uncle to Self-Deport

So Onyango Okech Obama was dumbfounded when he received a curt request from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to “politely self-deport back to Kenya so as not to create yet another headache for B.O.”

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#NNTS: Ted Cruz coloring book for children says Obamacare ‘worse than any war’

“At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves,” the book adds.

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Nation Stunned By Fatal Police Shooting of Unarmed White Man

“It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, he wasn’t just white—he was in college too,” classmate Johanna Mayes told My San Antonio.

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Rob Ford Possessed by Ghost of Chris Farley

As of press time, David Spade is frantically trying to call Ford about the possibility of making Black Sheep 2.

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#NNTS: Tony Perkins wants the ‘liberty’ to deny birth control: ‘That’s why the Pilgrims came here’

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins on Monday argued that companies should have the religious freedom to deny contraception coverage for women because “that’s why the Pilgrims came here.”

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Drone Strike Accidentally Kills Intended Target

"But thanks to our drone warfare program operating as intended for once, we can catch a breather before we spend the next few years re-bombing the same area looking for his successor.”

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