George W. Bush Surprised People Now Like George W. Bush

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HOUSTON — “You’re shitting me right?” said a clearly stunned George W. Bush upon hearing that 49 percent of American now view the former president favorably. The former president was at a complete loss to explain why Americans have started remembering him fondly. He theorized that it may have something to do with his passion for painting dogs or because he’s made…

Gen. Dempsey: Military Appointed Batterers to Deal with Sexual Assault ‘Because They Know it Best’

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WASHINGTON — Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey today admitted that the United States military has frequently appointed batterers and sexual predators to oversee efforts to curb sexual violence within the armed services’ ranks. Dempsey—the nation’s highest-ranking military officer and principal military adviser to the president—explained the decision to ask “women beaters” and “lady gropers” to oversee sexual…

CNN Declares: ‘We’re Journalists Again!’

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NEW YORK — After days spent covering the Carnival cruise ship that was left without power, and erroneously claiming that authorities had apprehended the suspects responsible for the Boston Marathon attack when no such arrest had been made, CNN is formally giving journalism another chance. Last week alone, CNN gained exclusives that were not only compelling, but also startlingly accurate. Last Tuesday, anchor…

Obama Sure ‘Voicing His Concern’ Will End Syrian Chemical Weapon Attacks

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WASHINGTON — In a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Monday, President Obama “voiced his concern” over reports that Syrian government forces have been using chemical weapons on their own people. Sources inside the White House indicate that the President is “pretty darn sure” that “making his concerns known” will be sufficient to end the massacres.” “It’s looking increasingly likely that…