Soccer Teams Cut Out Middle Man, Build Thunderdomes

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GENEVA – Following weeks of speculation, FIFA President Sepp Blatter today announced that soccer would no longer involve playing actual soccer, unless the ball is the decapitated head of a losing warrior. Blatter’s announcement comes in the wake of a series of high-profile acts of violence related to the sport, from a soccer fan in England trying to punch a horse, to…

Muslim Kindness Making Americans Visibly Uncomfortable

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BOSTON — In the aftermath of last Monday’s tragic events in Boston, Muslims around the world have been offering their condolences, which is clearly making Americans feel awkward as they try to respond with appreciation. In a statement, the Freedom and Justice Party—the Cairo-based Muslim Brotherhood’s political wing—said, “The Freedom and Justice Party categorically rejects as intolerable the bombings committed in the…

In Clerical Oversight, Islam Named Official Religion of North Carolina

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RALEIGH, N.C. — In what is being described alternately as an “unimaginable clerical oversight” and “a sign from the Almighty Allah,” the North Carolina House of Representatives voted to make Islam the state’s official religion. After a bill designed to establish Christianity as the state religion was killed by the state Speaker of the House last week, Wake County representative Chandler Forrest…

Legislators Fight to Protect Animals’ Right to Suffer in Private

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RALEIGH,N.C. — A handful of “cow-rageous” lawmakers are standing up to “domestic terrorists” who they say have long plagued farm animals by unethically filming their suffering. The resulting videos circulate the Internet in large supply and are an invasion of the animals’ privacy, and also cause financial setbacks for the farms they call home. “All we are trying to do is protect…

China Agrees Desperate, Highly Volatile Neighbor Probably Should Not Have Nukes

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BEIJING — Despite a history of cooperation fueled by shared interests, China has officially conceded that North Korea, its hostile and deeply unstable neighbor, should probably not be allowed to continue producing nuclear weapons, at least not while actively and repeatedly threatening to use them against other countries. During a meeting between United States Secretary of State John Kerry and top Chinese…

Obama’s Budget Plan Offers Bipartisan Disappointment to All

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WASHINGTON — The Obama Administration released the details of its 2014 budget plan this Wednesday, in what appeared to be an effort to gain absolutely nobody’s support. The Obama budget plan, released only weeks after Congress had finalized its own budget proposals, is very carefully architected to inspire equal amounts of disappointment and consternation in both liberals and conservatives. Obama himself has…

Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces “Mikey-sized” Sodas

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NEW YORK — “This one’s for the fatties,” announced Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Nigel Travis, as he poured the entirety of a 140 oz. “Mikey-sized” soda over a customer at the West 3rd St. Dunkin’ Donuts in Manhattan. Today marked the launch of a new soft-drink size in Dunkin’ Donuts around New York City which has drawn the ire from its advocates and…