“With nearly 7 million people driven from their homes, infection and dietary crises are having a field day,” Vries said. “At this point, it’s hard to imagine Syria getting back up on its feet.”
“Most schools don’t even allow students to have cell phones in class. There’s no way they’re going to let them carry guns,” declared Erquiaga.
“The Affordable Care Act does not force doctors or anyone else to inject American citizens with AIDS. That’s… Christ, are we really discussing this? That’s beyond crazy. It’s, like, Alex Jones crazy.”
Obama has largely avoided commenting on America’s racial tensions during his presidency, which made his remarks all the more surprising.
“Right now, the sum is small potatoes compared to the nation’s debt,” noted Princeton economist Vincent Templeton, “but if the U.S. defaults without a solid backup currency in place, we may be reduced to trading in potatoes.”
The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”
“Michele Bachmann is sort of half correct,” read His statement. “The leaf is definitely on the fig tree, but she’s the one who put it there.”
“This season, the Court is set to tackle affirmative action and campaign finance reform. Man, not even Neil Young could get a breakaway single out of issues like that…”
“This lawsuit is complete malarkey,” said Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) “If the American people want laws and government, why don’t they all move to China? Seriously, go ahead America. We’ll be fine here without you.”
“In that case, someone’s gotta fix it, right? Boom! A couple of IT jobs created right there! What my critics don’t seem to get is that, either way, this is a win-win for California.”
The grassroots network of likeminded individuals, all of whom simply cannot stomach the notion of Christie occupying the White House, offers numerous reasons to support their cause.
McConnell has been so withdrawn from recent debates that some Democrats have begun referring to him as “the man who isn’t there.” However, other senators have praised his decision to hold no political opinions as smart politics.
“With this new feature, Apple will officially guarantee that nobody else uses your phone, possibly ever again. In fact, I’d be surprised if they even ask.”
“At least George only killed one person,” O’Mara said. “I mean, in Chicago, that practically makes him a Buddhist.”
“While our hearts and prayers go out to the victims and their families, we feel it would be remiss not to remind the American people of what it is that makes these catastrophes so commonplace,” said LaPierre.
“If I hadn’t been shot, the ambulance might not have come to rescue me, and I might still be wandering around Times Square, being harassed by guys trying to sell me airbrushed paintings of Al Pacino characters,” the first victim said.
“Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilisation,” Rev. John
Putin told Times reporters that he was excited by the opportunity to write about his opinions on Syria, but even more excited by how good this experience will look on his resume.
This duality is apparent in the recently unveiled Olympic logo—a series of five interlocked yellow and black radioactive trefoil symbols—and Olympic mascot—a friendly three-eyed fish named “Mutie”.
“Sure, right now there’s no Confederacy,” Cruz said. “But there are still three long years left in Obama’s term—which is plenty of time for another round of secession.”
“Whatever the issues are between the president and ourselves, there is no need to drag the war into it,” House Speaker John Boehner declared in a press conference on Friday. “The war didn’t ask to be involved in our squabbles, and we need to do what’s best for it.”
“Yes Sir,” he added. “If you’re gonna get your freak on but want to stay in politics, you need to be a Republican.”
“We don’t have a very good technology to win elections,” Bachmann told Markell.
A Fox News guest on Thursday argued that hungry students would have a “teaching moment” if they were refused access in the cafeteria line to school lunches because their parents hadn’t properly filled out the right paperwork. During a segment…