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Paralyzed by Civil War, Syria Forswears Metaphors

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, World November 5, 2013

“With nearly 7 million people driven from their homes, infection and dietary crises are having a field day,” Vries said. “At this point, it’s hard to imagine Syria getting back up on its feet.”

NRA Suggests Schools Grant ‘Firearm Passes’ to Honor Roll Students

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US October 22, 2013

“Most schools don’t even allow students to have cell phones in class. There’s no way they’re going to let them carry guns,” declared Erquiaga.

Inhofe Insists Obamacare Would Have Given Him AIDS

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines October 21, 2013

“The Affordable Care Act does not force doctors or anyone else to inject American citizens with AIDS. That’s… Christ, are we really discussing this? That’s beyond crazy. It’s, like, Alex Jones crazy.”

Live Mic Catches Obama Suggesting Redskins Change Name to Washington Crackers

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics October 15, 2013
obama-yellow

Obama has largely avoided commenting on America’s racial tensions during his presidency, which made his remarks all the more surprising.

Treasury Moves to Back US Debt with Bitcoins, Fearing Default

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US October 12, 2013

“Right now, the sum is small potatoes compared to the nation’s debt,” noted Princeton economist Vincent Templeton, “but if the U.S. defaults without a solid backup currency in place, we may be reduced to trading in potatoes.”

Nation Dismisses Education Report, Notes America Still World Leader in Sports

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo US October 11, 2013

The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”

God Says Michele Bachmann Is Proof We’re Living in the End Times

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics October 8, 2013
Michele Bachmann

“Michele Bachmann is sort of half correct,” read His statement. “The leaf is definitely on the fig tree, but she’s the one who put it there.”

Supreme Court Launches Comeback Tour

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US October 8, 2013
Supreme-court

“This season, the Court is set to tackle affirmative action and campaign finance reform. Man, not even Neil Young could get a breakaway single out of issues like that…”

Nation to Sue Congress over Breach of Contract

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo DC, Politics, Today's Headlines October 3, 2013

“This lawsuit is complete malarkey,” said Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) “If the American people want laws and government, why don’t they all move to China? Seriously, go ahead America. We’ll be fine here without you.”

California Officials Celebrate Drop in Unemployment Caused by Computer Glitch

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US September 30, 2013
voters thumbs up

“In that case, someone’s gotta fix it, right? Boom! A couple of IT jobs created right there! What my critics don’t seem to get is that, either way, this is a win-win for California.”

Tea Party Republicans Form New Super PAC, ‘Unready for Christie’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines September 27, 2013

The grassroots network of likeminded individuals, all of whom simply cannot stomach the notion of Christie occupying the White House, offers numerous reasons to support their cause.

McConnell Panders to Undecided Voters by Holding No Opinions

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines September 26, 2013

McConnell has been so withdrawn from recent debates that some Democrats have begun referring to him as “the man who isn’t there.” However, other senators have praised his decision to hold no political opinions as smart politics.

After Fingerprinting Fail, iPhone to Accept Urine Sample

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo US September 26, 2013

“With this new feature, Apple will officially guarantee that nobody else uses your phone, possibly ever again. In fact, I’d be surprised if they even ask.”

Zimmerman Hiding Out in Chicago, where Shooting a Black Kid is ‘No Big Deal’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US September 23, 2013
George Zimmerman

“At least George only killed one person,” O’Mara said. “I mean, in Chicago, that practically makes him a Buddhist.”

NRA Blames ‘GTA 5’ for D.C. Shooting

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, US September 17, 2013
NRA

“While our hearts and prayers go out to the victims and their families, we feel it would be remiss not to remind the American people of what it is that makes these catastrophes so commonplace,” said LaPierre.

Bystanders Shot by NYPD Just Happy to be Out of Times Square

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo New York, Today's Headlines September 15, 2013

“If I hadn’t been shot, the ambulance might not have come to rescue me, and I might still be wandering around Times Square, being harassed by guys trying to sell me airbrushed paintings of Al Pacino characters,” the first victim said.

#NoNeedToSatirize: Minneapolis arch-bishop blames Satan for marriage equality

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize September 13, 2013

“Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilisation,” Rev. John

Vladimir Putin Begins Unpaid Internship at The New York Times

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Today's Headlines, World September 13, 2013
Putin

Putin told Times reporters that he was excited by the opportunity to write about his opinions on Syria, but even more excited by how good this experience will look on his resume.

Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics to Feature Synchronized Radiation Poisoning

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo World September 13, 2013
Tokyo Big Sight at Night

This duality is apparent in the recently unveiled Olympic logo—a series of five interlocked yellow and black radioactive trefoil symbols—and Olympic mascot—a friendly three-eyed fish named “Mutie”.

Sen. Cruz to Run for President of the Confederacy

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics September 13, 2013

“Sure, right now there’s no Confederacy,” Cruz said. “But there are still three long years left in Obama’s term—which is plenty of time for another round of secession.”

Republicans and Obama to Stay Together for the Sake of War

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo Politics, Today's Headlines September 12, 2013

“Whatever the issues are between the president and ourselves, there is no need to drag the war into it,” House Speaker John Boehner declared in a press conference on Friday. “The war didn’t ask to be involved in our squabbles, and we need to do what’s best for it.”

Weiner, Spitzer Nurse Primary Losses With Sexting Binge and Hookers

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo New York September 11, 2013

“Yes Sir,” he added. “If you’re gonna get your freak on but want to stay in politics, you need to be a Republican.”

#NNTS: Bachmann: Republicans can beat Hillary Clinton ‘if we cry out to God’

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize September 10, 2013

“We don’t have a very good technology to win elections,” Bachmann told Markell.

#NNTS: Fox News guest: ‘That’s a teaching moment’ when hungry students don’t get school lunches

Avatar of News Lo By News Lo NoNeedToSatirize September 5, 2013
fox ff school lunch

A Fox News guest on Thursday argued that hungry students would have a “teaching moment” if they were refused access in the cafeteria line to school lunches because their parents hadn’t properly filled out the right paperwork. During a segment…


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