“It’s either an amazing coincidence,” mused Jackson regarding Booker and the burning buildings, “or something’s fishy.”
“Wait. How can—oh I see. Yeah, I’d rather not know about all of that,” admitted Richard Burr, who voted in support of the repeal. (R-NC).
Brad Temper, Rutgers class of ’10, said that while he does not have nearly enough money to repay his student loans, he now owns an “abundance of hollow promises” given to him by President Obama.
WASHINGTON – Multiple programs on Fox News have been questioning the coverage of the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s “I Have a Dream Speech” this month, with Bill O’Reilly notably asking “what all the fuss was about.” On “Fox and Friends,” Steve Doocy referred to Dr. King as a “controversial rabble rouser,” and said that the speech would “surely go down…
“We got paid for four questions, but they only gave us three, so we tossed in that one as a sort of joke.”
“If I pay my dues, I’m sure I’ll get the call to one day attack a target that hasn’t had its indoor plumbing blown to smithereens months ago.”
When pressed by reporters, who called the plan “insufficient” and “moronic,” Carney complained that “everyone’s been telling [them] to do something–well, here it is.”
“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”
“Still,” noted Bloomberg, “for the obvious reasons, I would ask that Booker be patted down before he entered my house.”
We’re saying that the people who own the paper you write your letter on are legally allowed to intercept your letter, open it and read it, make note of anything interesting contained within, and sell that information for a profit.”
“If you think about it,” O’Reilly continued, “it’s kind of self-centered to be offended by racism unless you’ve done something to deserve it. Take me for example: Lots of people hate me, but I’ve earned it. I don’t take it personal.”
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“Really, who can blame him?” said Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin in a conversation she later said she thought was off the record. “Would you want my husband to touch you?”
The fanfare surrounding the paper’s return to local ownership largely eclipsed the tacit admission of an otherwise open secret long held by owners of broadsheets.
The Russian president reiterated that leaking sensitive information was “totally cool with him,” so long as Snowden didn’t engage in any “gay stuff.”
“That’s when I decided to buy the Washington Post,” Bezos said. “I thought the newspaper’s grim prospects would perfectly counter Amazon’s increasing profitability.”
As of press time, Pete Rose is laying 3 to 1 odds that A-Rod beats the suspension.
“Lead poisoning is an elaborate myth propagated by activist scientists who want to ruin everything in life that’s fun, like shooting guns and licking paint— which happened to be my two favorite childhood pastimes.”
Rep. Ted Yoho (R-FL) recently told a group of constituents that he backing a birther bill because he hoped that it would “get rid of everything” that President Barack Obama had done, and then added that the president’s “racist” health care…
“In fact, it is my understanding,” read the letter, “that such training was scheduled, but that the trainer for the city unilaterally canceled, and never re-scheduled.”
“At first I thought my supervisor was joking,” said the anonymous worker. “We all laughed. A plastic iPhone? I’ve been working at this factory for 70 hours a week since 2007, and I have never heard something as stupid as this.”
“There are a lot of people out there who actually hate him, though they shouldn’t,” said O’Mara. “What they don’t realize is that George is Peruvian, not Mexican. Oh, and he totally didn’t murder that kid, or whatever.”
But Chip Pemberton, president of Appalachian State University’s Gun-Student Alliance, praised the move while giving out bumper stickers emblazoned with the slogan, “Fire ‘em loud and proud!”
“If we at Halliburton had destroyed evidence of our culpability sooner – before it was even considered evidence – there’s a good chance we could’ve completely gotten away with it,” said Halliburton Chairman, President, CEO, and Exalted Ruler for Life David J. Lesar.