“With nearly 7 million people driven from their homes, infection and dietary crises are having a field day,” Vries said. “At this point, it’s hard to imagine Syria getting back up on its feet.”
“Most schools don’t even allow students to have cell phones in class. There’s no way they’re going to let them carry guns,” declared Erquiaga.
“The Affordable Care Act does not force doctors or anyone else to inject American citizens with AIDS. That’s… Christ, are we really discussing this? That’s beyond crazy. It’s, like, Alex Jones crazy.”
Obama has largely avoided commenting on America’s racial tensions during his presidency, which made his remarks all the more surprising.
“Right now, the sum is small potatoes compared to the nation’s debt,” noted Princeton economist Vincent Templeton, “but if the U.S. defaults without a solid backup currency in place, we may be reduced to trading in potatoes.”
The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”
“Michele Bachmann is sort of half correct,” read His statement. “The leaf is definitely on the fig tree, but she’s the one who put it there.”
“This season, the Court is set to tackle affirmative action and campaign finance reform. Man, not even Neil Young could get a breakaway single out of issues like that…”