Ted Cruz Father Suggests Placing Atheists in ‘Camps’
“Of course, this leads us, when there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope. No hope!”
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Missouri Establishes 18-Year Wait Period for Abortions
“The least we can do is mandate that the child still has a good 18 years to knock a few things off her bucket list before she’s aborted—like having her first period, attending prom, and voting Republican in her first election.”
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You Won’t Believe These 7 Things That Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With One Another
Glitter is what happens when a newt and a unicorn get sucked up into a vacuum cleaner with Mozart, the Trilateral Commission, General Tso’s Chicken, and Don Rickles.
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4 Adorable CIA Tweets That Totally Make Up for the Times They Overthrew Foreign Governments
We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our CIA list.
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Ikea to Increase Wages of Employees Able to Assemble Products Fastest in Reality Show Contest
In the show, Ikea employees will have to make their way through a “Wipeout”-style obstacle course that will also feature an undetermined number of furniture assembly stations.
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Iraqi Real Estate Developers Already Listing New Buildings as ‘Pre-War’
Because the sale of these apartments is now contingent upon an ISIL surge, real estate developers and brokers fear that the Sunni rebels will lose interest in attacking Baghdad.
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After Anthrax Scare, CDC Cafeteria Bans Powdered Sugar
Other things banned from the CDC cafeteria include powdered donuts, evaporated milk, flour and pure cocaine.
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New Ethnic-Based Warning Scale Minimizes Hurricane Deaths
When asked for comment, the spokesperson defended the agency, saying, “Everyone understands ethnic stereotypes, whether they like it or not. It’s about time that communications to the public came in a language they understood.”
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Fox News Awarded ‘Most Trusted Network’ for Senile Over-60 Crowd
“Going forward, I promise that we will maintain the same level of journalistic integrity, objectivity, and high quality, non-sensationalized, factually sound news that you have all come to love so much.”
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Fox News Accidentally Runs Footage of Phil Robertson While Criticizing Bowe Bergdahl’s Father
“Are you out of razors?” Kilmeade asked as the shot changed to the infamous video of Robertson delivering a homophobic sermon.
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Critics Call Pentagon’s Zombie Survival Plan Racist
“The plan is anti-city, not anti-black,” explained Kunze. “Trust me, plenty of white folk are gonna get eaten if this thing goes down.”
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Rush Limbaugh Warns Listeners of Pope’s Secret Marxist Agenda
“He wants your money, and he’s trying to use jackbooted UN thugs to pry it away from you,” warned Limbaugh.
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#NNTS: Laura Ingraham uses botched Oklahoma execution to attack women who have abortions
“Late-term abortions, the heinous things happening in the womb to children,” she continued. “And you don’t want to equate it, but innocents, right? There could be innocent people today on death row.”
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Tennessee Outlaws Giving Birth to Mixed-Race Babies
Republican Governor Bill Haslam this week put his signature to a law that will make Tennessee the first state in America that will criminalize women for the outcome of their pregnancy.
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Trump Accuses Obama of Walking Like a Black Man
“The way President Obama runs down the stairs of Air Force 1, hopping & bobbing all the way, is so inelegant and un-presidential,” tweeted Trump. “Do not fall!”
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Sting Operation Uncovers Chicken Boxing Ring in Louisiana Statehouse
Still, Sen. Guillory was defiant when approached for comment, claiming that “the liberal media” is trying to defame the “great southern tradition of chicken boxing.”
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#NNTS: Louie Gohmert: ‘Separation of church and state’ means ‘church plays a role in the state’
“But it was to be a one-way wall, where the state would not dictate to the church,” the Texas Republican insisted. “But the church would certainly play a role in the state.”
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Judge Gives du Pont Heir Probation for Raping 3-year-old Daughter because ‘She’s Not 3 Anymore’
“Also, the fact that Defendant’s daughter is no longer 3-years-old implies quite strongly that the defendant is no danger of repeating his crime of raping a 3-year-old direct descendant.”
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Tennessee Splurges on New ‘Secret’ Executions
“And if they are, the people have a right to watch,” he added.
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Church Sees Gun Giveaway as Payback, Banks on Uptick in Funerals
TROY, N.Y. — The pastor of Grace Baptist Church is aiming to fill his pews by raffling off a modified AR-15 rifle later this month. Adults in attendance can enter…
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Massachusetts Puritans Ban Sketches of Exposed Ankles
Many disagree with Markey, and believe that exposed ankles, and especially “erotic artistic depictions” of them are “one step away from sodomy.”
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Lobbyist Writing Legislation to Ban Gays, Jews From NFL
“And Jews? I hadn’t even realized they played football at all,” he added. “I mean it’s called a pigskin, which doesn’t sound very Kosher.”
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Flag-makers Panic as Plan to Break Calif. into 6 States Moves Forward
“We’ve had a way of doing business for 55 years,” he said. “Thirteen stripes plus fifty stars equals one American flag. Draper wants to ruin all that with his psychotic ‘plan.’"
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