News Archives - NewsLo

Ted Cruz’s Father Suggests Placing Atheists in ‘Camps’

“Of course, this leads us, when there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope. No hope!”

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Missouri Establishes 18-Year Wait Period for Abortions 2

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2 min

Missouri Establishes 18-Year Wait Period for Abortions

“The least we can do is mandate that the child still has a good 18 years to knock a few things off her bucket list before she’s aborted—like having her first period, attending prom, and voting Republican in her first election.”

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You Won’t Believe These 7 Things That Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With One Another 3

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2 min

You Won’t Believe These 7 Things That Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With One Another

Glitter is what happens when a newt and a unicorn get sucked up into a vacuum cleaner with Mozart, the Trilateral Commission, General Tso’s Chicken, and Don Rickles.

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4 Adorable CIA Tweets That Totally Make Up for the Times They Overthrew Foreign Governments 4

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1 min

Blogs
DC

4 Adorable CIA Tweets That Totally Make Up for the Times They Overthrew Foreign Governments

We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our CIA list.

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Ikea to Increase Wages of Employees Able to Assemble Products Fastest in Reality Show Contest 5

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2 min

Ikea to Increase Wages of Employees Able to Assemble Products Fastest in Reality Show Contest

In the show, Ikea employees will have to make their way through a “Wipeout”-style obstacle course that will also feature an undetermined number of furniture assembly stations.

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Iraqi Real Estate Developers Already Listing New Buildings as 'Pre-War' 6

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2 min

Iraqi Real Estate Developers Already Listing New Buildings as ‘Pre-War’

Because the sale of these apartments is now contingent upon an ISIL surge, real estate developers and brokers fear that the Sunni rebels will lose interest in attacking Baghdad.

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After Anthrax Scare, CDC Cafeteria Bans Powdered Sugar 7

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2 min

After Anthrax Scare, CDC Cafeteria Bans Powdered Sugar

Other things banned from the CDC cafeteria include powdered donuts, evaporated milk, flour and pure cocaine.

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New Ethnic-Based Warning Scale Minimizes Hurricane Deaths 8

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2 min

New Ethnic-Based Warning Scale Minimizes Hurricane Deaths

When asked for comment, the spokesperson defended the agency, saying, “Everyone understands ethnic stereotypes, whether they like it or not. It’s about time that communications to the public came in a language they understood.”

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