“I’m in the same position as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, where I’m pretty much just famous for being famous. No one knows how I got here.”
“This is a great example of how we’re evolving from a retail company to a health care company,” said Helena Foulkes, CVS’s executive vice president.
“If we get one photo op out of this that is as beautiful as the Rabin-Arafat handshake, I will consider this to be a success, facts on the ground be damned,” said a cautiously optimistic Lakhdar.
“It’s just the safe thing to do,” said Snowboarder Shaun White, who will be donning the Canadian uniform while representing the United States.
“I swear I will never do anything bad again. Just please don’t make me go back to Canada! Please! Sweet mother of God, you don’t know what it’s like! It’s Hell up there! Hell!”
“The principle is among the most controversial of all directives coming from the Bible,” he writes in the book. “Many of my friends dealt with the directive by ignoring it… Or, well, their wives did.”
“But when I saw [Governor] Cuomo’s tweet bad-mouthing conservatives like me.. well I can’t wait to leave the Internet once and for all. I really can’t.”
Why wait until Friday for this week’s news…
“I do not know how you could validly get a conviction of a husband-wife rape, when they’re living together, sleeping in the same bed, she’s in a nightie and so forth,” Black says. “There’s not injuries, there’s no separation or anything.”
“It is not unreasonable for us to encourage the poorest among our citizenry to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,” Fincher said, “and this bill is merely doing the same thing. Bootstraps just happen to be very expensive these days.”
“Axe: Nerves of Steel” will be manufactured in accordance with the original plan to neutralize the weapons at sea by an American military ship.
Assuring the nation that the problematic rollout of the Affordable Care Act “will not be another Windows Vista” has proven difficult for DelBene, who has attempted to sweeten the deal by adding extra perks to the package of benefits.
“Then it becomes my word verses hers and all the evidence against me. What a crock.”
She just wants to continue spotlighting the hardships experienced by Americans so that the country can rally to their aid. Her courage and sympathy were both on display when she anchored a series of poignant reports from a Gulf still reeling from Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
“Do you think we really care either way?” asked the executive. “He could have said that God hates panda bears and white children for all we care. We’re not throwing away fifteen million viewers a week because this guy has some unpopular opinions.”
Although the bombings have drawn condemnation from Human Rights Watch, the United Nations, and even the White House, Haidar said that Assad’s regime will not rest until it has “dropped enough bombs to win back the admiration of Western media outlets like CNN and Fox.”
“If they are not going to look out for our country’s representatives why should we look out for theirs?” said India’s Deputy Foreign Minister Preneet Kaur.
“I would say just by suggesting we take measures to save the lives of those God has damned is pretty darned presumptuous,” said Governor Fallin. “He has a plan for us all, and you better be damned sure it does not involve raising the corporate tax rate.”
“I heard the reports, so I feared the worst, but sometimes it isn’t real until their LinkedIn page is gone, you know?” Pak added.
“Never met NM,” Kardashian tweeted. “But were a kindred spirit [sic]. We both dedicated our lives to makin’ this a better world.”
“It’s bad enough that most gentiles already think of Hanukkah as nothing more than Christmas for the Jews. Now the Jewish people have to contend with another made up holiday,” complained Netanyahu.
“By doing away with the vote in Wallsburg, David and Charles have completely eliminated the threat of voter fraud,” said the official.
“OMG so excited for Catching Fire!!” tweeted one fan on Thursday. “I SO wish I was Katniss, Peeta is THE CUTEST!!! lol This slaughterfest is going to be #amazeballs.”
“I couldn’t stop laughing,” said Dan Rather, former anchor of the CBS Evening News. “It was a humdinger of a practical joke—one that was years in the making. A word to the wise: nobody messes with Rather and gets away with it. Nobody.”