George Zimmerman: ‘I’m Just Famous for being Famous – So Basically Kim Kardashian’
“I’m in the same position as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, where I’m pretty much just famous for being famous. No one knows how I got here."
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CVS Halts Sales of Candy, Vitamins, Other ‘Unhealthy Crap’
“This is a great example of how we’re evolving from a retail company to a health care company,” said Helena Foulkes, CVS’s executive vice president.
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UN Mediator Holds Syrian Peace Talks to High Standard of Failure
“If we get one photo op out of this that is as beautiful as the Rabin-Arafat handshake, I will consider this to be a success, facts on the ground be damned,” said a cautiously optimistic Lakhdar.
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Fearing Terrorism, US Olympians to Compete in Sochi Disguised as Canadians
“It’s just the safe thing to do,” said Snowboarder Shaun White, who will be donning the Canadian uniform while representing the United States.
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Justin Bieber Deported Over DUI
“I swear I will never do anything bad again. Just please don’t make me go back to Canada! Please! Sweet mother of God, you don’t know what it’s like! It’s Hell up there! Hell!”
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GOP Congressman Claims Wives Should Voluntarily Submit to Their Husbands For Oral Sex
"The principle is among the most controversial of all directives coming from the Bible," he writes in the book. "Many of my friends dealt with the directive by ignoring it… Or, well, their wives did."
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Hannity to Leave Internet Over Cuomo’s Mean Tweet
"But when I saw [Governor] Cuomo’s tweet bad-mouthing conservatives like me.. well I can’t wait to leave the Internet once and for all. I really can’t.”
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Video: This Week In News: Christie Scandal, Lesbian Love, and Child Porn
Why wait until Friday for this week's news...
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#NNTS: Va. GOP candidate: Spousal rape isn’t a crime if she is ‘wearing a nightie’
“I do not know how you could validly get a conviction of a husband-wife rape, when they’re living together, sleeping in the same bed, she’s in a nightie and so forth,” Black says. “There’s not injuries, there’s no separation or anything.”
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Poorest Members of Congress Demand $1 million Congressional Minimum Wage
“It is not unreasonable for us to encourage the poorest among our citizenry to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,” Fincher said, “and this bill is merely doing the same thing. Bootstraps just happen to be very expensive these days.”
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Axe Agrees to Convert Syria’s Chemical Weapons into Body Spray
“Axe: Nerves of Steel” will be manufactured in accordance with the original plan to neutralize the weapons at sea by an American military ship.
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HealthCare.gov Customers Enjoy New Benefits, Microsoft Zune Music Passes
Assuring the nation that the problematic rollout of the Affordable Care Act “will not be another Windows Vista” has proven difficult for DelBene, who has attempted to sweeten the deal by adding extra perks to the package of benefits.
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Republican Senate Candidate Hopeful Wife-Beating Conviction Will Propel Him to Upset
“Then it becomes my word verses hers and all the evidence against me. What a crock.”
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Robin Roberts Comes Out As Greatly Inspiring
She just wants to continue spotlighting the hardships experienced by Americans so that the country can rally to their aid. Her courage and sympathy were both on display when she anchored a series of poignant reports from a Gulf still reeling from Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
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A&E Exec.: We Can Only Care About Gays for So Long
“Do you think we really care either way?” asked the executive. “He could have said that God hates panda bears and white children for all we care. We’re not throwing away fifteen million viewers a week because this guy has some unpopular opinions.”
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Syrian Government Admits Latest Bombing Campaign Is Just for Attention
Although the bombings have drawn condemnation from Human Rights Watch, the United Nations, and even the White House, Haidar said that Assad’s regime will not rest until it has “dropped enough bombs to win back the admiration of Western media outlets like CNN and Fox.”
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Indian Diplomat Stopped and Frisked in New York
"If they are not going to look out for our country's representatives why should we look out for theirs?" said India's Deputy Foreign Minister Preneet Kaur.
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Oklahoma GOP Call Plan for School Tornado Shelters ‘Interfering with God’s Will’
“I would say just by suggesting we take measures to save the lives of those God has damned is pretty darned presumptuous,” said Governor Fallin. “He has a plan for us all, and you better be damned sure it does not involve raising the corporate tax rate.”
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North Korea Deletes Facebook, LinkedIn of Purged Uncle
“I heard the reports, so I feared the worst, but sometimes it isn’t real until their LinkedIn page is gone, you know?” Pak added.
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Kim K Tweets Tribute Selfie for Nelson Mandela
“Never met NM,” Kardashian tweeted. “But were a kindred spirit [sic]. We both dedicated our lives to makin’ this a better world.”
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Netanyahu Blasts America for Allowing Thanksgiving to ‘Take Over’ Hanukkah
“It’s bad enough that most gentiles already think of Hanukkah as nothing more than Christmas for the Jews. Now the Jewish people have to contend with another made up holiday,” complained Netanyahu.
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Koch Brothers Bankroll Attempt to Prevent Voter Fraud by Canceling Election Day
“By doing away with the vote in Wallsburg, David and Charles have completely eliminated the threat of voter fraud,” said the official.
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This Week in Entertainment: Gaga Goes La-La, ‘Hunger Games’ and Is ‘Call of Duty’ Turning into a Ghost?
“OMG so excited for Catching Fire!!” tweeted one fan on Thursday. “I SO wish I was Katniss, Peeta is THE CUTEST!!! lol This slaughterfest is going to be #amazeballs.”
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Seeking Revenge, Dan Rather Planted Erroneous Benghazi ’60 Minutes’ Story
“I couldn’t stop laughing,” said Dan Rather, former anchor of the CBS Evening News. “It was a humdinger of a practical joke—one that was years in the making. A word to the wise: nobody messes with Rather and gets away with it. Nobody.”
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