Belgium Launches ‘It Doesn’t Get Better’ Campaign for Kids
The Christian Democratic Flemish party plans to challenge the expansion in the European Court of Human Rights as it collects signatures to kill the video campaign.
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Texas Calls For ‘Separate But Equal’ Gay Army
If implemented, soldiers serving under the “Hellbound Corps” would be exempt from all benefits reserved for heterosexual servicemen.
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FDA Approves ‘Pull-Out Method’ for Over the Counter Use
“Asking young teenagers to remember to wear a condom is one thing,” said Woodcock, “but asking them to exercise the kind of self control it takes to use the pull-out method would be disastrous.”
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Congressmen Attend ‘Worst Nightmare’-Themed Halloween Parties as Immigrants Who Received Amnesty
“I’m an illegal alien who just became a citizen despite breaking the law to get here,” King reportedly explained.
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NSA Admits Conducting Toilet-Cam Surveillance
“Our position is, this doesn’t hurt anyone unless they have something to hide,” Vines said. “If you’re so ashamed about what happens in your bathroom, then maybe it’s time for a change of diet.”
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Jay-Z Lashes Out at Barney’s for Damaging His Reputation
“I expect anyone I do business with to be more sensitive to the important issue of moving as much merchandise as humanly possible,” he added.
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#NNTS: Herman Cain claims sex harassment charges were sent from the Devil
Cain said, “It made me realize that there was a force bigger than right.”
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Drone Delivers Healthcare to Yemen Terrorists in Latest Obamacare Gaffe
“It was like, one moment it’s just a normal day, and the next, completed signup forms are raining down from the sky and a whole building is enrolled in the president’s health care plan.”
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NCAA Cancels Student’s Birthday Party, Eats All the Cake
Emmert defended his actions, claiming that he just “didn’t want the cake to go to waste,” although he did later acknowledge that he “loved red velvet [and] wasn’t sorry to have to help out with that, although I know my hips are going to regret it.”
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#NNTS: Gohmert shrugs off debt limit: Government can’t default if it stays shut down
“But there is no reason we should ever, ever default on our debts unless the president and the treasury secretary conspire to make us default,” he added.
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Somalia Government Shutdown Enters 22nd Year
“Besides which, you’re less likely to be murdered in Somalia than you are in Washington D.C., so maybe the no-government thing has its merits.” Shimbir added.
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Football Fans Defend Tradition of Yelling Ethnic Slurs
“We will never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER – you can use caps.” Snyder had told USA Today in May of 2013. “In fact,” he continued, “definitely use caps, since we’re going to try to brand that word for our retro jerseys.”
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Michelle Obama Says Food Stamp Cuts Will Encourage the Poor to Grow Their Own Food
“Perhaps the first lady can help the American people grow their own health care, too.”
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#NNTS: Fox News analyst: Income disparity exists ‘because poor people are gonna eat a bunch of turkey’
“You want to see why the rich get richer? Because poor people are gonna eat a bunch of turkey. Even though they’re stuffed to the gills, they’re gonna run to the mall and spend every nickel they have. I’m being honest with you.”
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Rand Paul Hopes Felony Vote Can Sway 2016 Presidential Bid
“Let me repeat myself,” Paul added, “I’m not saying I was against the Civil Rights Act. I’m just saying that felons, who for some odd reason seem to be mostly African-Americans, should not be restricted from voting.”
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Big Tobacco Developing E-Crack Pipes
“But,” Watkins explained, “if there’s one thing we learned from the precipitous decline in traditional cigarette smoking amongst teenagers recently, it’s that we have to innovate to stay ahead of government restrictions and public health campaigns.”
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Terrorist Mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri Received Military Security Clearance
Stan Sims, Director of the Defense Security Service (DSS), says that giving a terrorist madman access to U.S. military sites is "not ideal" and "definitely unfortunate," but asserted that it's "just one of those things that happens sometimes."
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Dozens of Admissions Officers Commit Suicide Following U.S. News & World Report College Rankings
Once a year, however, U.S. News releases its annual rankings of American colleges and universities—a event that, historically, boosts both the publication’s sales and the incidence of suicide among college administrators.
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Pope Calls Success of Prayer for Peace a ‘Welcome Surprise’
“But it cannot be denied,” added Rosica, “the drums of war have been silenced by Pope Francis’s prayer vigil. We fear that without such a prayer, the world would be at war by now.”
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Fla. Pastor Accidentally Burns 2,000 Bibles in Protest of 9/11 Attacks
“I’ve been praying for God’s forgiveness non-stop since this happened,” said Ingram. “I still feel like the Muslims are partially to blame for this. If we didn’t have to protest them, this wouldn’t have happened. They tricked us!”
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Zimmerman In Custody After Mistaking Wife For Unarmed Black Teenager
“George was running around, waving his gun like a madman, and telling me he was ready to ‘go all Trayvon’ on me,” said Shelia Zimmerman, who filed for divorce from her husband just last week.
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Onion’s ‘Area Man’ Outraged to Know So Little about Syria
“Don’t get me wrong, the Onion is fun and all,” conceded Lane, “but what’s the point beyond a little laughter and sarcasm? There’s a lot going on in the world, and it’d kind of be nice to know about it."
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Media Says Black Toddler’s Shooting Death Was at Least Twelve Years Too Early
“We are heartbroken that another innocent life was cut down by a senseless act of violence. The young victim had at least ten years before he would have been marginalized by society or killed in a shooting that nobody paid any attention to,” lamented a reporter from New York’s WABC.
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Wal-Mart Excited to Bring the Third World Back to the United States
“What they didn’t understand was that I had no intention to bring safe, cushy union jobs back to America; I plan on bringing sweat shop labor back to America.”
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