“Naysayers just need to look at the plan through beer goggles at 2 a.m.,” said Janette Sadik-Kah, commissioner of the city’s Department of Transportation. “I promise,” she added, “It all makes sense after three or four Long Islands
“What I would like to do is if you would explain to me, sergeant, what I would need to do to arrange for getting her out of jail this evening,” he said. “You can proceed with whatever you think is proper.”
The political move has been described by legal scholars and social pundits as “bold” and “representative of a more welcoming America.”
“And after that, I guess it’s incest,” Swanson agreed. “After that, I guess it’s the cannibal merit badge, where I guess you cut up human flesh, fry it.”
“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we need more Germans,” said Felipe Renoir, who was a boy in France when Germany invaded the country in World War II.
“You can’t create this subterfuge. These are drug crimes, not national security cases. If you don’t draw the line here, where do you draw it?
“Fighting this will give us something to do in between fundraising for our 2014 campaigns, which is mostly what we do anyway.”
“Really it just comes down to whether or not you are a true gentleman,” Zawahiri clarified. “No American in our custody has ever gone on a hunger strike. Granted that’s because we chopped off their head, but still the point remains.”
“I had no idea that white, Georgia Marble would be this much of an ordeal to clean,” said Johnson, gesturing behind her at a worker dabbing at Lincoln’s stone frock with a moist Kleenex.
“After prayer was removed from our schools, teen pregnancy went up 500%, STD’s went up 226%, violent crime went up 500% and SAT scores went down for 18 years in a row, opening the door for the AIDS epidemic and the drug culture.”
“The man has been 100% wrong on economic policy for decades,” said James Stock, who works with Krueger on the President’s Council of Economic Advisors. “That kind of track record is hard to ignore.”
“Who wouldn’t want to speed up their arrival to a place like that?” Gracias said.
“If I knew I’d have to join the military, I would have been practicing shooting others in the face with an Uzi instead of shooting myself in my own foot studying the Torah for sixteen hours a day,” spoke a frustrated 25-year-old Haredi who wished to remain anonymous.
“With the return of the Twinkie,” he concluded, “America will not only be the Greatest Nation on Earth – but also the Greatest Nation in Girth.”
The National Rifle Association claimed in 2011 such proposals were “aimed primarily at law-abiding American gun owners” and “sponsored by gun control extremists.”
“This is a victory not only for George Zimmerman, but also for the system, and really all Americans,” said defense attorney Don West. “Well, some Americans.”
All in all, General Manager Brian Cashman thinks that while A-Rod has had a rough decade in the Bronx, his place in team history is secure. “He’s over-priced, over-hyped, and over-entitled,” said the GM. “At long last, Alex Rodriguez is a True Yankee™.”
“The examples presented above should give us great concern that we have entered a period in which members of the armed services are being subjected to speech codes and restrictions on the free exercise of religion.”
“Al-Qaeda’s always had a lax policy on getting freaky with American ladies. He should know that by now.” Dave went on to speak about five Al-Qaeda members who were rumored to have paid for lap dances at a Las Vegas nightclub in 2001. “That’s how it’s done.”
“When kids go to the doctor, they get a lollipop. But only after they get their shot. It’s the same thing here.
“My first response was: What, do you think we’re made of money?” said Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke, whose total compensation for 2011 exceeded $18 million dollars.
“One day soon, God willing, all vehicles will be automated, and no one will ever have to drive again,” Foxx said in his swearing-in speech.
Former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi—who was removed from power by a military-backed coup on Wednesday—announced soon after his ouster that he is, “in some ways, relieved about the whole thing,” saying that he plans on “kickin’ it” for a few months in the “crystal clear waters of Hawaii.”