LOS ANGELES — After fugitive ex-cop Chris Dorner’s quest for vengeance ended with his death in a cabin fire, the Hallmark Channel announced its release of a movie based on his story set to air this Thursday evening. In an unprecedented move, the Hallmark Channel reportedly bought the rights to the story before its conclusion; they are still shooting the ending. However,…
SULLIVAN, Ind. — A small, local hate group in Indiana has generated national press this week as students and parents have come together to create a segregation-themed straights-only prom. As intolerance on this scale has been primarily associated with the state of Kansas in recent years, there has been some speculation in the media that this event has been a ploy on…
WASHINGTON — Former Southern Baptist minister and current chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network, Marion Gordon Robertson, who prefers to go by the masculine nickname “Pat” to differentiate himself from the weaker sex, recently spoke out about the new military changes and their potential ramifications in the U.S. “It starts with equal opportunity to serve in front-line positions, but what happens when…
WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…
HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing to make use of the school’s facilities and services. The school had been a gun-free zone until the shooting provoked administrators into replacing all forms of student identification with handguns marked with…
NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to the popular fashion brand American Apparel. Commenting on the win-win deal, Occupy Faciliator Deborah Brown said that it “felt good to finally feel empowered after so many years of hard work.” Asked…
NEW YORK – Fox News, the enormously successful organization best known for its “Fair and Balanced” approach and record setting ratings, has announced that all of its popular news programming will soon be replaced by new reality shows. When asked why a thriving organization would make such a surprising decision, President Roger Ailes told reporters, “Look, we have conquered the mountain that…
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat House leader Nancy Pelosi held her landmark 12,000th press conference today to unveil the controversial new congressional bill. “This is our promise to America,” Pelosi said. “If you get off your couch and vote for us in November, we’ll pay for you to sit at home on your lazy ass for the next four years.” The bill would…
NEW YORK — Randy Green, a Queens resident and convicted sex offender guilty of public fondling, recently landed a job as a Transportation Security Administration employee at John F. Kennedy International Airport. Green, 56, who apparently suffers from a chronic compulsion to fondle the genitals of random passersby, applied for a job as a security official at the airport last month. The…
ST. LOUIS — Genealogists at The Genome Institute in St. Louis continue to be befuddled by the unexpectedly brutish faces of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three daughters. Scientific interest in Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis began in the mid-90s, when The Genome Institute used age-progression technology to determine that Tallulah would likely inherit Bruce Willis’s strong jawline and Demi Moore’s original…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…
LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…
FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun. “I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d…
NEW YORK — Participants in the Occupy Wall Street anniversary reoccupation on September 17 have reportedly been left with a sour taste in their mouths after discovering that many friends left Zuccotti Park early to camp out for the new Apple iPhone. Mark Randolph, a longtime supporter of the Occupy Wall Street movement who occupied the Park for nearly two months in…
NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…
