Hallmark Channel to Release Special on Ex-Cop Cop Killer
LOS ANGELES — After fugitive ex-cop Chris Dorner’s quest for vengeance ended with his death in a cabin fire, the Hallmark Channel announced its release of a movie based on…
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Indiana Straights-Only Prom Reminds America that Kansas Isn’t the Only Terrible State
SULLIVAN, Ind. — A small, local hate group in Indiana has generated national press this week as students and parents have come together to create a segregation-themed straights-only prom. As…
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Pat Robertson Fears Allowing Women Access to Front-lines Will Threaten Homeland Inequality
WASHINGTON — Former Southern Baptist minister and current chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network, Marion Gordon Robertson, who prefers to go by the masculine nickname “Pat” to differentiate himself from…
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Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers
WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin…
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Lone Star College Replaces Student Identification with Official Handgun
HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing…
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Occupy Wall Street Bought out by American Apparel
NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to…
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Fox News Unveils Brand New Reality Show Lineup
NEW YORK – Fox News, the enormously successful organization best known for its “Fair and Balanced” approach and record setting ratings, has announced that all of its popular news programming…
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Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The…
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Dems Push ‘Get Paid To Sit On Your Ass Act of 2014’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat House leader Nancy Pelosi held her landmark 12,000th press conference today to unveil the controversial new congressional bill. “This is our promise to America,” Pelosi said.…
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Chronic Fondler Finds Home at JFK as TSA Employee
NEW YORK — Randy Green, a Queens resident and convicted sex offender guilty of public fondling, recently landed a job as a Transportation Security Administration employee at John F. Kennedy…
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Genealogists Still Baffled by Unsightly Offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
ST. LOUIS — Genealogists at The Genome Institute in St. Louis continue to be befuddled by the unexpectedly brutish faces of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three daughters. Scientific interest…
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Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports…
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Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach…
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California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage
LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s…
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NRA VP Sitting In Dark Living Room With Loaded AK-47, Waiting to Shoot Intruder
FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an…
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Occupy Wall Street Protestors Left Early to Camp Out for iPhone
NEW YORK — Participants in the Occupy Wall Street anniversary reoccupation on September 17 have reportedly been left with a sour taste in their mouths after discovering that many friends…
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Newslo Declares War on The Onion
NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press…
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