Hallmark Channel to Release Special on Ex-Cop Cop Killer

LOS ANGELES — After fugitive ex-cop Chris Dorner’s quest for vengeance ended with his death in a cabin fire, the Hallmark Channel announced its release of a movie based on his story set to air this Thursday evening. In an unprecedented move, the Hallmark Channel reportedly bought the rights to the story before its conclusion; they are still shooting the ending. However,…

Pat Robertson Fears Allowing Women Access to Front-lines Will Threaten Homeland Inequality

WASHINGTON — Former Southern Baptist minister and current chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network, Marion Gordon Robertson, who prefers to go by the masculine nickname “Pat” to differentiate himself from the weaker sex, recently spoke out about the new military changes and their potential ramifications in the U.S. “It starts with equal opportunity to serve in front-line positions, but what happens when…

Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Lone Star College Replaces Student Identification with Official Handgun

HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing to make use of the school’s facilities and services. The school had been a gun-free zone until the shooting provoked administrators into replacing all forms of student identification with handguns marked with…

Occupy Wall Street Bought out by American Apparel

NEW YORK — In a deal that’s likely to bolster the sex appeal of American Apparel, the Occupy Wall Street movement has agreed to sell 51% of its shares to the popular fashion brand American Apparel. Commenting on the win-win deal, Occupy Faciliator Deborah Brown said that it “felt good to finally feel empowered after so many years of hard work.” Asked…

Fox News Unveils Brand New Reality Show Lineup

NEW YORK – Fox News, the enormously successful organization best known for its “Fair and Balanced” approach and record setting ratings, has announced that all of its popular news programming will soon be replaced by new reality shows. When asked why a thriving organization would make such a surprising decision, President Roger Ailes told reporters, “Look, we have conquered the mountain that…

Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…

Chronic Fondler Finds Home at JFK as TSA Employee

TSA

NEW YORK — Randy Green, a Queens resident and convicted sex offender guilty of public fondling, recently landed a job as a Transportation Security Administration employee at John F. Kennedy International Airport. Green, 56, who apparently suffers from a chronic compulsion to fondle the genitals of random passersby, applied for a job as a security official at the airport last month. The…

Genealogists Still Baffled by Unsightly Offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore

Demi-moore

ST. LOUIS — Genealogists at The Genome Institute in St. Louis continue to be befuddled by the unexpectedly brutish faces of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three daughters. Scientific interest in Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis began in the mid-90s, when The Genome Institute used age-progression technology to determine that Tallulah would likely inherit Bruce Willis’s strong jawline and Demi Moore’s original…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

Obama-romney

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…

California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…