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10 Things America Needed For Christmas

1. Bulletproof vest

Overall, gun violence has decreased since 1990, but mass shootings have gradually risen since that same period of time. Going out has never been more precarious, making it extremely important that Americans protect themselves while engaging in dangerous activities such as shopping, going to work, or attending class.

2. Selfie-Control

Not self-control, but selfie-control – the ability to stop oneself from taking a selfie even though one really wants to. According to multiple surveys, men take more selfies than women, so I’m looking at you, men. No, literally, because another one of your selfies just popped up in my newsfeed.

3. Some exercise

Largely because 70% of the average American’s diet is comprised of processed foods, some two-thirds of the country is either obese or overweight, which on the bright side can provide ample opportunities for hilarious fat-shaming.

4. Vacation

Americans are among the hardest working people in the world, but live in the only rich country that does not mandate paid vacation days for workers. Some much needed downtime could go a long way in helping Americans catch up on some sleep and finally achieving that American dream

5. Functioning Congress

In December, a divided Congress passed a budget for the first time in 27 years. Despite this achievement, Congress looks to be as gridlocked as ever ahead of the 2014 midterms. This is because recent polling shows a majority of Americans think that the most important quality a candidate can have is the ability to do nothing.

6. Some privacy, please.

The NSA collects about five billion cell phone records per day from the U.S. and around the world. But its worst offense is that it spied on people watching porn. Is nothing sacred, anymore?

7. NFL RedZone

Seriously, have Americans seen this shit? It’s seven straight hours of live football with no commercials, and was recently named the third-greatest television channel in history behind the Al Jazeera-Ecuador and WMEM-Presque Isle, Maine.

8. Prescription refill

Even with co-pays, filling prescriptions can be expensive. With 70% of Americans taking prescription drugs and more than half taking at least two, chances are some of them will need a refill around the holidays. And there’s no better way to lighten someone’s spirits by helping them take the drugs that will lighten their heads.

9. Christmas card without ugly children

Americans’ mantles are littered with Christmas cards around this time, as about 1.5 billion of them will be sent this year. However, a good many of them feature photos of children whose parents have no earthly idea how homely their kids are. There is no need for these faces to be in anyone’s living room.

10. Listification of all written material

With BuzzFeed reaching over 130 million unique visitors in November, there can be no denying the popularity of listicles. A Harvard study indicates that at the current rate, by the year 2018 lists will be the only intelligible form of written communication among Americans. As such, this will necessitate a massive repackaging of all written material. Hence, Ulysses already has a listified version titled, 265,000 Words That Perfectly Sum Up This Guy’s Day.

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Entertainment Today's Headlines

Kim K Tweets Tribute Selfie for Nelson Mandela

LOS ANGELES – Television personality Kim Kardashian today commemorated the death of Nelson Mandela by tweeting a “selfie” featuring herself posing with a picture of the former South African president and iconic anti-apartheid activist. Kardashian—who married rapper Kanye West last year—explained that she was “representin’” and would “pour one out” for Mandela, her “BFF [best friend forever].”

“Never met NM,” Kardashian tweeted. “But were a kindred spirit [sic]. We both dedicated our lives to makin’ this a better world.”

Kardashian, reached for comment, explained that “[Mandela] worked against racism and whatnot, whereas I’ve introduced four different perfume fragrances, which has most definitely made the world smell better, at least.”

In the hours following Mandela’s death, the internet was awash with “selfies” featuring celebrities posing with the former president—a form of tribute that experts say would have “totally freaking confused” Mandela, who was 95  years old.

“Nelson, you were the cutest!” tweeted Miley Cyrus with her own selfie. “God bless you for freeing all the slaves.”

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Today's Headlines US

Birthers Claim Obama Children Fathered by Rev. Wright

CHICAGO – The conservative organization Fellowship of the Mind last week came forward with a shocking accusation questioning the legitimacy of Sasha and Malia Obama. Based on investigative techniques consisting of searching everything from Google Images to Ancestry.com to GenealogyBank.com, the site concludes that the two girls are not the children of Barack and Michelle Obama. After dropping that bombshell, they go on to state unequivocally that the real father is Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

“If anyone can find baby pictures and birth records of Malia Obama and/or Natasha Obama, please let me know!” wrote Dr. Eowyn, a featured author on the site. “Also, if anyone can vouch for Reverend Wright’s whereabouts during the time frame when conception would have occurred, please share. I think we’ve got him this time!”

Though Dr. Eowyn was unable to find any pictures of the alleged Obama girls before the ages of 6 and 9, the site’s readers posted some younger photos. However, members of The Fellowship of the Mind were not convinced. “I noticed that Michelle’s hair looks cut off on the right side, commented Lindarm. “It’s a bad cropping job, and Barack’s head looks photo-shopped in as well. I don’t think the two girls, or Michelle, or Barack are in the same picture at all. How amateurish. Whose kids are they really?”

“We all know that Barry is gay and could not possibly have fathered those girls,” continued Dr. Eowyn in an update. “The only explanation is that Michelle had an affair with Reverend Wright. Twice. It is a cover-up. Why else didn’t Dear Leader  throw Wright under the bus back in 2008? He was afraid of what the god Reverend would reveal!”

The final proof that the long-time Obama confidant is the real father of Natasha and Malia is given in another photo of the girls ages 4 and 1, sitting in an unidentified man’s lap. “Whose hairy arm is that behind the girls?” asks Dr. Eowyn. “It’s obviously not Barry’s arm. It’s got to be Wright! This is huge!”

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Entertainment Today's Headlines

Fundamentalist Homosexuals Celebrate Destruction of Alec Baldwin

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – Rainbow banners were flown and flags waved in triumph this week as hardcore, fundamentalist homosexuals finally achieved their decade-long goal of grinding the career of actor Alec Baldwin into dust beneath their feet. The celebration came after word arrived that MSNBC had cancelled the frequent Saturday Night Live guest host’s six-week-old talk show, Up Late with Alec Baldwin.

“This is huge. This is the big one,” said blogger and noted homosexual Andrew Sullivan. “I’ve been personally gunning for Bladwin for years. To finally take him down… I’ve never been prouder in my life.”

Baldwin’s show was actually suspended two weeks prior by MSNBC after the host was caught on camera allegedly calling a photographer a ‘c**ks**king f**’ Baldwin has since disputed the film, admitting that he used the first of the two words, but denying he uttered the second, insisting, “Faggot’ is not the word that came out of my mouth.”

While he admitted the need to shoulder some of the responsibility for his actions, Baldwin claimed that he had been targeted unfairly by LGBT advocates. “You’ve got the fundamentalist wing of gay advocacy – Rich Ferraro and Andrew Sullivan – they’re out there, they’ve got you,” he said. “Rich Ferraro, this is probably one of his greatest triumphs. They killed my show.”

“He’s damn right this is one of my greatest triumphs,” said Rich Ferraro, spokesman for the LGBT advocacy organization GLAAD. “That man is a cancer, and I have sworn to God and high Heaven to remove him from this Earth or die trying.”

“After Alec, ‘well move onto Stephen, then Daniel, the Billy. There won’t be a Baldwin standing once we’re through,” explained Sullivan to wild cheers from the fundamentalist gays in attendance. “Only then will mankind finally know peace.”

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Today's Headlines World

Hamas Turns to Breeding Lions as Suicide Bombers

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip – Hamas has reportedly started to breed and train lions as suicide bombers in order to “bring unmitigated destruction to all of Israel,” according to Hamas leader and Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority, Ismail Haniyeh.

“We have grown weary of the constant criticism regarding our use of children and women to blow Israel to smithereens,” explained Haniyeh, “so we decided to use lions to bring about these same results. Because quite frankly, not many people have a reason to complain about a few dead feline carcasses.”

Haniyeh was practically gushing as he discussed the “bellicose nature” of the two lions bred thus far. The first lion, Sjel, is named after the 2012 military conflict between Hamas and Israel, while its sibling, Fajr, is named after the Iranian-made missiles that Hamas fired in the conflict.

“Sjel and Fajr may be cute and cuddly little balls of sunshine now,” continued Haniyeh, “but just wait until they’re bursting into a West Bank hookah café with a bomb strapped to their backs and an appetite for destruction.”

Haniyeh went on to explain that both Sjel and Fajr—the first lions born in the Gaza Strip—are the offspring of lions smuggled from Egypt, which has injected them with a “pre-ordained hatred for Zionism.”

“Suicide missions and the reclaiming of Islam’s rightful lands—it’s in their blood,” continued the Hamas leader.

Haniyeh predicts that the project will continue to reap benefits for the foreseeable future, although one opponent in particular—the Middle Eastern chapter of PETA—has made this task quite difficult.

“Spare me the animal rights drivel,” said Haniyeh. “First we took flak for sacrificing humans, and now we hear the same about animals? I think PETA should get the hell out of our way and let us have a good old-fashioned Holy War with some suicide-bombing lions.”