“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
“Nothing demonstrates high levels of consumer confidence quite like the purchase of questionable big-ticket items,” claimed Dimon.
Former governor Sarah Palin insisted today that the 35,000 Walruses who have migrated to Alaska amidst falling ice levels have come for the state’s right to work law.
“Heads will roll at NPR,” Holder reportedly threatened. “If Terry Gross was behind this report, so help me God, I’ll chase her to the gates of hell!”
The vaunted title also puts young Charlotte in line to anchor “Meet the Press,” should Chuck Todd fail to catch up to his competitors in the ratings.
“But now, I get it. They all just want to shoot me,” he added. “That I can understand.”
“Sure, my wife risks growing facial hair and my children risk early puberty if they are accidentally exposed to my AndroGel, but I’m a man. I’m supposed to take unnecessary risks on behalf of my family.”
While ISIS has not specifically threatened to dress NFL players in Islamic garb during their violent messages to America, Mr. Poe sees redecorating the NFL as “ISIS’s most obvious next move.”
“And what about men who sing in the shower? We all know what they’re really doing in there, doesn’t that make those sperms every bit as human as the men themselves?”
Stephen Fitch, a self-described evangelical and long-time customer, said that he would continue to patronize the restaurant, so long as the chain does not change its slogan to “Eat more [male chicken].”
“Mr. Zimmerman said he had been suspicious of the individual and wanted to ensure the safety of the neighborhood,” said the police spokesperson.
Well, I was out there like two days ago and you know what I saw? Dolphins swimming up to the remaining oil patches, covering their fins in black gold—that’s what! Now in the America I know, that’s called theft.”
“You want to go to church to praise the Lord. You don’t want to go to church to shoot people or to get shot.” he continued. “But you also want to be ready with a well-oiled AK-47 when you need it.”
“Unless, like many people, you consider trying to create a deadly weapon out of thin air as foul play, but it’s not the Austin Police Department’s role to make those kinds of decisions.”
What’s YOUR best Starbucks story? Let us know in the comments…….
Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.
By Morgan’s own admission, gun advocates had a reason to fear him. “I wouldn’t crack the champagne open too quickly though, @NRA – I haven’t finished with you lot yet,” tweeted Morgan after announcing that he had parted ways with CNN.
“The chances of someone involved getting beheaded seem high,” Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert Work said. “Nonetheless, we’re just going to sit back and see how this one unfolds.”
“It might be crazy, or it might be the solution to all our nation’s problems,” Senator Cruz said. “I think we all need more time to reflect on this plan before we endorse or dismiss it.”
At press time, Apple manufacturers were reportedly racing against the clock – the iWatch Quattro, to be exact – to produce the iWatch Cubed.
“First goes around Congress to retrieve a deserter, and now he honors one of Lincoln’s jackbooted storm troopers. Is our commander-in-chief a fool, a traitor, or both?”
Biden, for his part, hopes to “make Washington more accessible to average folk” by guiding them down K Street and the Potomac River with his avuncular—if occasionally handsy and rambling—approach.
After the surgery, Nizewitz plans to debut her new genitalia on the videogame “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2” for Sega Dreamcast.
“If these trends continue, America might find itself at ‘Off the Wall’ levels of racial harmony by the end of the decade.”