“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
“Nothing demonstrates high levels of consumer confidence quite like the purchase of questionable big-ticket items,” claimed Dimon.
Former governor Sarah Palin insisted today that the 35,000 Walruses who have migrated to Alaska amidst falling ice levels have come for the state’s right to work law.
“Heads will roll at NPR,” Holder reportedly threatened. “If Terry Gross was behind this report, so help me God, I’ll chase her to the gates of hell!”
The vaunted title also puts young Charlotte in line to anchor “Meet the Press,” should Chuck Todd fail to catch up to his competitors in the ratings.
“But now, I get it. They all just want to shoot me,” he added. “That I can understand.”
“Sure, my wife risks growing facial hair and my children risk early puberty if they are accidentally exposed to my AndroGel, but I’m a man. I’m supposed to take unnecessary risks on behalf of my family.”
While ISIS has not specifically threatened to dress NFL players in Islamic garb during their violent messages to America, Mr. Poe sees redecorating the NFL as “ISIS’s most obvious next move.”