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Pat Robertson Unveils Gay-Repelling Necklace

Pat Robertson

“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”

JPMorgan Chase to Offer Double Rewards Points for Purchases Made by Hackers

“Nothing demonstrates high levels of consumer confidence quite like the purchase of questionable big-ticket items,” claimed Dimon.

Entertainment

35,000 Walruses on Alaskan Shore There for Right-to-Work Laws, Sarah Palin Claims

Former governor Sarah Palin insisted today that the 35,000 Walruses who have migrated to Alaska amidst falling ice levels have come for the state’s right to work law.

Politics

Justice Department to Prosecute Journalist Who Reported Leaked News of Eric Holder’s Resignation

“Heads will roll at NPR,” Holder reportedly threatened. “If Terry Gross was behind this report, so help me God, I’ll chase her to the gates of hell!”

Media

Chelsea Clinton Daughter Charlotte Named NBC’s Newest Correspondent With $300,000 Salary

The vaunted title also puts young Charlotte in line to anchor “Meet the Press,” should Chuck Todd fail to catch up to his competitors in the ratings.

US

Missouri Police Wearing ‘I Shoot Black People’ Bracelets in Support of Darren Wilson

“But now, I get it. They all just want to shoot me,” he added. “That I can understand.”

FDA Warns That Drug Advertising Suffers From High-Testosterone

“Sure, my wife risks growing facial hair and my children risk early puberty if they are accidentally exposed to my AndroGel, but I’m a man. I’m supposed to take unnecessary risks on behalf of my family.”

Sports

GOP Rep.: ‘ISIS Will Force the NFL to Play in Burqas If We Don’t Act’

ISIS

While ISIS has not specifically threatened to dress NFL players in Islamic garb during their violent messages to America, Mr. Poe sees redecorating the NFL as “ISIS’s most obvious next move.”

Politics

Senator Lindsey Graham Says Singing to Sperm Makes Them Human

“And what about men who sing in the shower? We all know what they’re really doing in there, doesn’t that make those sperms every bit as human as the men themselves?”

US

Chick-Fil-A Founder’s Dying Wish: Have Gay Marriage Ceremonies Held in His Restaurants on Sundays

Stephen Fitch, a self-described evangelical and long-time customer, said that he would continue to patronize the restaurant, so long as the chain does not change its slogan to “Eat more [male chicken].”

George Zimmerman Threatens to ‘Go All Trayvon’ During Road Rage Incident

George Zimmerman

“Mr. Zimmerman said he had been suspicious of the individual and wanted to ensure the safety of the neighborhood,” said the police spokesperson.

BP, Haliburton Win Bid to Reclaim Oil Lost in 2010 Gulf Coast Spill

Well, I was out there like two days ago and you know what I saw? Dolphins swimming up to the remaining oil patches, covering their fins in black gold—that’s what! Now in the America I know, that's called theft."

Pat Robertson Says God Wants Guns In Church

pat robertson

“You want to go to church to praise the Lord. You don't want to go to church to shoot people or to get shot.” he continued. “But you also want to be ready with a well-oiled AK-47 when you need it.”

Two Dead After 3D Printer Jams While Printing Gun

"Unless, like many people, you consider trying to create a deadly weapon out of thin air as foul play, but it’s not the Austin Police Department’s role to make those kinds of decisions.”

Video: The ‘Real’ Reason Starbucks Baristas Spell Your Name Wrong

What’s YOUR best Starbucks story? Let us know in the comments…….

Michael Bloomberg Regains Control of Company for Another Term, Renames It ‘Newer York City’

Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.

Texas Gun Store Refuses to Sell Firearms to Piers Morgan

By Morgan’s own admission, gun advocates had a reason to fear him. “I wouldn’t crack the champagne open too quickly though, @NRA – I haven’t finished with you lot yet,” tweeted Morgan after announcing that he had parted ways with CNN.

Entertainment

Phil Robertson Heads to Iraq to Convert ISIS to Christianity

“The chances of someone involved getting beheaded seem high,” Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert Work said. “Nonetheless, we’re just going to sit back and see how this one unfolds.”

Ted Cruz’s Father Suggests ‘Separate and Unequal’ Minimum Wage for Blacks

“It might be crazy, or it might be the solution to all our nation’s problems,” Senator Cruz said. “I think we all need more time to reflect on this plan before we endorse or dismiss it.”

Apple Releases New Watch to Count Down Hours Until iWatch Announcement

At press time, Apple manufacturers were reportedly racing against the clock – the iWatch Quattro, to be exact – to produce the iWatch Cubed.

Tea Party: Civil War Medal of Honor Latest in War on South

“First goes around Congress to retrieve a deserter, and now he honors one of Lincoln’s jackbooted storm troopers. Is our commander-in-chief a fool, a traitor, or both?”

Joe Biden Leaves Obama Administration to Manage Duck Tour Business

Obama_Biden

Biden, for his part, hopes to “make Washington more accessible to average folk” by guiding them down K Street and the Potomac River with his avuncular—if occasionally handsy and rambling—approach.

‘Dating Naked’ Contestant Gets Plastic Surgery to Permanently Pixelate Genitals

After the surgery, Nizewitz plans to debut her new genitalia on the videogame “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2” for Sega Dreamcast.

America’s Racial Tolerance at Lowest Level Since Release of ‘Thriller,’ SPLC Warns

“If these trends continue, America might find itself at ‘Off the Wall’ levels of racial harmony by the end of the decade.”

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