Newslo - NewsLo

North Korea Launches Nation’s First Christian Rock Station

In a statement released Friday, Mr. Kim denied having ever invited Pope Francis to the launch party, and stated the launch of the missiles had nothing to do with Pope Francis’ visit to the South.

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Politics

Rick Perry Indicted for Forging Eyeglass Prescription, Extreme Nearsightedness

A Travis County board of optometrists found that, while the Republican governor’s political maneuverings may have been extremely shortsighted, his vision is at least 20-20, if not 20-16.

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Media

NYT: Enhanced Interrogation, Reading Wall Street Journal Count As Torture

Perhaps the only thing worse than The Wall Street Journal is that film starring Tim Allen, ‘Shaggy Dog.’ ”

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FBI Mandating Curfew for Creative Writing Teachers Gone Rogue

The FBI has yet to respond to the statement, as a curious case of severe writer’s block has overcome everyone in the public relations department.

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Court Slaps Jesse Ventura With $1.8 Million Fine for Self-Defamation

“Do I always speak the unadorned truth?” asked Ventura rhetorically. “Is the Pope Catholic? Are the fights in professional wrestling real?"

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Eric Cantor Cashes Out by Selling His Congressional Seat, Office Furniture

Said Cantor, “In this country, first you got to get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the money. Then, once you’ve cashed out, leave it to the next guy clean up your mess.”

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Israel Promotes Solar Energy in Gaza by Destroying Its Only Power Plant

“We thought, ‘What Palestine needs right now is a little shove in the direction of green energy.’ We know they’ll thank us soon enough.”

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New York Times Calls for Legalization of Weed, Pretentious Columns Covering Weed

"Legalization will increase tax revenue, free up law enforcement resources, and allow the Times to continue to write boring fashion summaries.”

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Study: Suicidal Teens More Likely to Do Wacko Tricks, Get Concussions

Doctors believe that this is because teenagers do crazy things, oftentimes without a helmet.

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$26 Billion Payout Convinces Teens to Start Smoking

“Plus, do we really want to give kids that incentive?” he continued. “I’ve seen kids get jumped for $200 Beats. Do you know how many pairs of headphones you can buy with $26 billion?”

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NYPD’s Stop-and-Frisk Amended, Now Stop-and-Kill Black Males

A source told Newslo that the initiative was originally called "Kill, Just Kill," but was later changed so as to better reflect the program's mission: "Keeping You Safe by Killing Just a Few of You."

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World

Israeli Soldiers Return to Vacation in Gaza

“I love places with old scenery and maybe some squalor, like especially crumbling walls, and there’s definitely a lot of that to see here. It only gets better the longer we stay!"

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Drought Forcing Models in California to Attempt All-Solid Diet

“Where’s our government help? Who will make sure my hip bones stick out? It’s…racist? Hott…ist?”

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GOP Congresswoman Says Men Need to Assume Women Are Stupid

“It was so nice to have a woman explain it to us in simple terms that we could understand. She didn’t try to use numbers or facts or anything hard. That was smart.”

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Rising Vaccine Prices Force Docs to Tell Kids: Polio Will Make You Stronger

Dr. Robert Stack told Newslo. “FDR didn’t get vaccinated, and he was president for, like, a thousand years.”

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Egypt Convicts Biblical Scholars of Conspiring Against the Pharaoh

“We were thinking about retroactively convicting Louis Armstrong of conspiracy for singing that super depressing song, ‘Go Down, Moses.’ If he really knew Egypt, it would be, ‘Get down, Moses, and Boogie!’”

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Former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Asks George W. Bush for Presidential Pardon

Added Bush, “The Constitution prevents me, as an ordinary citizen, from intervening to pardon Nagin. He’ll have to handle this one on his own.”

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Reinterpretation of Japanese Constitution Allows Japan to Defend Allies Using Talking Robot Dogs

“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“

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U.S. House Closes Due to Threat of Near Passage of Legislation

“If anything gets close somebody will just filibuster it to death.”

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Coal Industry Reclassifies Its Product as ‘Clean & Pure Natural Supplement’ in Effort to Avoid Regulation

“We’ve learned from our mistakes,” he claims. “The public is much more likely to pop a cheap pill to keep up with the Kardashians than they are to exercise energy restraint.”

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Hawaii Assigns Electronic Collars to Geriatrics as Part of New Invisible Fencing

Governor Abercrombie’s next goal, if all goes well with the fall-prevention measures and invisible fences, is to implement statewide handrails at all buffet locations.

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You Won’t Believe These 7 Things That Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With One Another

Glitter is what happens when a newt and a unicorn get sucked up into a vacuum cleaner with Mozart, the Trilateral Commission, General Tso’s Chicken, and Don Rickles.

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