Newslo

Politics

Mississippi Tea Party Challenger Offers $1,000 for Proof Black Conservatives Don’t Exist

McDaniel later admitted that since his announcement, he has received a wide array of underwhelming responses, including a hand-written letter reading, “I’m black and only vote for Democrats. Where’s my $1,000?”

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Tinder Fires Co-Founder for Directing All Hot Girls to His Profile, Away From Hot Guys

"When he sexually harassed Whitney Wolfe, he abused our hardware. As a startup software company, we have to protect our software first.”

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Golden Gate Bridge Board Unveils Premium Suicide Prevention Package

“The net looks ugly and it will probably encourage more people to jump! Who doesn’t see a 1.7-mile-long net and immediately think of jumping on it?”

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Climate Change Places GOP’s Science Denial in Peril

“This gravy train hasn’t let me down yet,” said Inhofe. “Like my steadfast belief that only God can change the climate, I have complete faith in the illiteracy of the American people.”

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DC
Politics

Loophole in FDA’s Tobacco Regulations Allows Obama to Smoke Cigars Inside White House

"If you are not responsible for maintaining the safety of the free world, we would not advise the use of tobacco products.”

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Pro-Life Groups Recommend Reading to Children From Fertilization

At press time, Yahool reportedly watched “The O’Reilly Factor” from the comfort of her couch while her gestating son listened to the show from inside her womb.

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China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.

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Untimely Deaths of 9 in 10 Working-Age Adults Could’ve Been Eased by Alcohol, According to CDC

Jernigan explains, “We’ve already lost too many lives without the effects of alcohol. I hope that people will begin to take this matter seriously and consider having at least one stiff drink per day, just in case.”

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Iraqi Real Estate Developers Already Listing New Buildings as ‘Pre-War’

Because the sale of these apartments is now contingent upon an ISIL surge, real estate developers and brokers fear that the Sunni rebels will lose interest in attacking Baghdad.

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After Hobby Lobby Ruling, Conservatives Worry Supreme Court May Be Leading America to Sharia Law

“I would refer to us as ‘strange bedfellows’ but being in bed with five old, white men and no women is considered sinful.”

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Politics

SCOTUS Rules Companies Don’t Need to Provide Contraception, or Any Other ‘Female-Oriented’ Medical Care

“A corporation is simply a form of organization used by human beings to achieve desired ends,” he wrote.

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Area 51 Besieged by Protesters Following Supreme Court Ruling on Buffer Zones

At press time, private military contractors with M16s ordered the protestors to halt.

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Oklahoma Gun Range Owner Claims Howitzer Misfire Caused By Liberal Conspiracy Called ‘Physics’

“It was those damn anti-gun freaks putting their physics mumbo-jumbo on the shell. They’re the real criminals,” he added.

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Truckers to Federal Government: ‘Keep Your Laws off My Body’

"Obama's already stolen my money and my liberty, and I'm pretty sure he took my jumper cables because I can't find them."

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As ‘True Blood’ Nears Finale, Kim Jong Un Vows Retaliation

“And what’s up with Tara?” he continued. “A character with such furniture-like depth and verbose tentacles of expression simply deserves more.”

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World

Malaysian Court Rules Non-Muslims Cannot Use the Words ‘Allah,’ Algebra, Hookahs

At press, all the Herald employees had filed for government living assistance after being told they could no longer cash checks.

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Infant Incarceration Rates Skyrocket in Florida

Jason Graines, currently awaiting trial at an Okaloosa County Holding Center, was unavailable for comment, as it was nap time.

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App That Does ‘Nothing’ Skyrockets in Popularity, Makes $2 Million in App Store

Despite having no actual utility, users seem happy to spend the requisite money for an app that does nothing. So far, the app has made $2 million.

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Obama Extends Socialized Medicine to Marine Life

There has been no official statement from the gilled community. When Newslo went into the ocean to collect interviews, the fish we came in contact with opened and closed their mouths rapidly.

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NoNeedToSatirize

Mississippi Tea Party Challenger Offers $1,000 for Proof Black Conservatives Don’t Exist

Tinder Fires Co-Founder for Directing All Hot Girls to His Profile, Away From Hot Guys

Golden Gate Bridge Board Unveils Premium Suicide Prevention Package

Climate Change Places GOP’s Science Denial in Peril

Loophole in FDA’s Tobacco Regulations Allows Obama to Smoke Cigars Inside White House

Pro-Life Groups Recommend Reading to Children From Fertilization

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

Untimely Deaths of 9 in 10 Working-Age Adults Could’ve Been Eased by Alcohol, According to CDC

Iraqi Real Estate Developers Already Listing New Buildings as ‘Pre-War’

After Hobby Lobby Ruling, Conservatives Worry Supreme Court May Be Leading America to Sharia Law

SCOTUS Rules Companies Don’t Need to Provide Contraception, or Any Other ‘Female-Oriented’ Medical Care

Area 51 Besieged by Protesters Following Supreme Court Ruling on Buffer Zones

Oklahoma Gun Range Owner Claims Howitzer Misfire Caused By Liberal Conspiracy Called ‘Physics’

Truckers to Federal Government: ‘Keep Your Laws off My Body’

As ‘True Blood’ Nears Finale, Kim Jong Un Vows Retaliation

Malaysian Court Rules Non-Muslims Cannot Use the Words ‘Allah,’ Algebra, Hookahs

Infant Incarceration Rates Skyrocket in Florida

App That Does ‘Nothing’ Skyrockets in Popularity, Makes $2 Million in App Store

Obama Extends Socialized Medicine to Marine Life

NNTS: Islam Not Covered by First Amendment, Says Republican House Candidate

New Startup Allows Prospective Parents to Test-Drive Baby for One Week

Gov. Christie Closes Port Authority to Retaliate Against SEC Investigators

Tenured Teachers Seek to Fire California Judge Who Ruled Against Teacher Tenure

Dr. Oz Endorses Congressional Testimony as Guaranteed Weight Loss Program