“Sure, my wife risks growing facial hair and my children risk early puberty if they are accidentally exposed to my AndroGel, but I’m a man. I’m supposed to take unnecessary risks on behalf of my family.”

“Mr. Zimmerman said he had been suspicious of the individual and wanted to ensure the safety of the neighborhood,” said the police spokesperson.

Well, I was out there like two days ago and you know what I saw? Dolphins swimming up to the remaining oil patches, covering their fins in black gold—that’s what! Now in the America I know, that’s called theft.”

“You want to go to church to praise the Lord. You don’t want to go to church to shoot people or to get shot.” he continued. “But you also want to be ready with a well-oiled AK-47 when you need it.”

“If these trends continue, America might find itself at ‘Off the Wall’ levels of racial harmony by the end of the decade.”

“When I first saw the pictures [of the police in Ferguson wearing military armor], I assumed this was in Afghanistan or the Ukraine or something,” admitted Work.

“One more liberal justice,” he repeated, shaking his head in horror. “Just one more liberal Supreme Court justice and freedom dies.”

Other things banned from the CDC cafeteria include powdered donuts, evaporated milk, flour and pure cocaine.