“Sure, my wife risks growing facial hair and my children risk early puberty if they are accidentally exposed to my AndroGel, but I’m a man. I’m supposed to take unnecessary risks on behalf of my family.”
“Mr. Zimmerman said he had been suspicious of the individual and wanted to ensure the safety of the neighborhood,” said the police spokesperson.
Well, I was out there like two days ago and you know what I saw? Dolphins swimming up to the remaining oil patches, covering their fins in black gold—that’s what! Now in the America I know, that’s called theft.”
“You want to go to church to praise the Lord. You don’t want to go to church to shoot people or to get shot.” he continued. “But you also want to be ready with a well-oiled AK-47 when you need it.”
“If these trends continue, America might find itself at ‘Off the Wall’ levels of racial harmony by the end of the decade.”
“When I first saw the pictures [of the police in Ferguson wearing military armor], I assumed this was in Afghanistan or the Ukraine or something,” admitted Work.
“One more liberal justice,” he repeated, shaking his head in horror. “Just one more liberal Supreme Court justice and freedom dies.”
Other things banned from the CDC cafeteria include powdered donuts, evaporated milk, flour and pure cocaine.
Let’s face it. With this bike, Harley-Davidson is turning thousands of us into transsexuals. Because everyone knows: No combustion engine means no penis, literally.
“This could change the game,” he adds. “The Texas Board of Education would have no power to indoctrinate students with invalid information.”
“And this swap — somebody who may not feel very American for five people who definitely don’t — is symptomatic of that. It was bound to happen when you have a leader that doesn’t affiliate with patriotism.”
“That was when I knew,” said Leonhart. “This president cannot lead us to victory in the War on Drugs because this president is a double agent working for the drugs. “
Cox also questioned the practicality of smart gun technology. “What if you’re at your buddy’s house and a rapist comes in? You grab your buddy’s gun but it doesn’t fire and you get raped? How is that smart?”
“Men, by and large, make more because some of the things that they do,” he opined. “Their jobs are, by and large, riskier. They don’t mind working nights and weekends. They don’t mind working overtime or outdoors.”
But maybe he electoral chances aren’t as promising as we thought. Because seriously: How many Mississippians will vote for a candidate who seems that fond of Mexicans?
“As they say: Better to let people starve in freedom than enslave them with food stamps,” Huckabee added.
When Kim Jong Un took control of the country, many in the CIA expected him to cease hostilities with the Sea of Japan.
“Hey, losing in the 2008 primaries to John McCain didn’t faze me,” Huckabee reportedly told House Republicans. “I think I’m ready to lose on the big stage, in a general election.”
“Our baby boy loves his home state,” claimed Christie’s mother, “almost as much as he loves Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Nevada.”
Comfort approached Tyson to educate the celebrated scientist after an episode of “Cosmos” stated that one could not use the Bible as a scientific source, because no scripture-based theory had ever been scientifically proven.
“Tough, tough choices are coming here,” Hagel briefed a House committee. “You’re going to have to help us make them. There isn’t any way around it.”
The only video to watch today……
Without the provision, a representative for the police department warned, “We’d probably have to completely renegotiate the vice squad’s benefit package, which would be a real nightmare.”
“We’ve already had people like Nixon and Schwarzenegger running the state,” noted San Diego resident Kim Barclay. “I think California will survive a pro-rape administration.”