GOP Rep.: ‘ISIS Will Force the NFL to Play in Burqas If We Don’t Act’

HOUSTON—Representative Ted Poe, R-Texas, warned the Obama administration Wednesday that “ISIS will force the NFL to wear burqas and other forms of Islamic dress if we don’t act immediately.

“ISIS’s inevitable takeover of the NFL is a horrific vision. Burqas provide no head or body protection whatsoever. And by dressing all teams identically, ISIS will make it extremely difficult for NFL players to distinguish between their team members and opponents. How we will determine the true winner of this year’s Superbowl!” Mr. Poe added.

While ISIS has not specifically threatened to dress NFL players in Islamic garb during their violent messages to America, Mr. Poe sees redecorating the NFL as “ISIS’s most obvious next move.”

Prior to his address about ISIS’s NFL burqa Armageddon, Poe alerted the American people that ISIS could infiltrate the United States across the southern border. Poe predicts ISIS will call upon Mexican drug cartels to traffic terrorists into America, thus advising President Obama to strengthen security at the U.S.-Mexico border, not only as means to prevent illegal aliens from entering, but as a weapon for thwarting ISIS’s next act of terror against the NFL.

Poe’s premonition that ISIS will seep into America has been further validated by Gary Painter, sheriff of Midland County, Texas, who reported finding Qurans, Islamic clothing, and sketches of Dallas Cowboys players wearing full-length burqas scattered along the U.S.-Mexico border.

Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., has seconded these concerns, stating that President Obama “needs to rise to the occasion before we all get killed back here at home, before ISIS covertly enters NFL locker rooms across America and sends our athletes out onto the field dressed in burqas, which aren’t even supposed to be worn by men in the first place.”

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Brain Damage Provides Hope for NFL Free Agents Wishing to Forget Their Errors

DENVER – “I’m excited to announce my signing with the AFC Champion Denver Broncos,” said DeMarcus Ware, the former Cowboy defensive end, upon inking a three year, $30 million contract with Denver. “But think about how much more exciting it will be in a few years, when my wife gets to remind me this happened every day because my concussion-rattled brain will have forgotten!”

Ware said he is not only excited about being reminded that he was once paid $10 million a year to play football but also excited to remember leaving the Cowboys, a team that has won exactly one playoff game in the last 15 years.

The glee is playing out across the NFL landscape. Golden Tate agreed to five year, $31 million contract with the Detroit Lions, and he is all ready to freshly relive the experience later.

“I’m going to get to line up next to future hall of famer Calvin Johnson,” Tate said. “How cool is it going to be for my family to consistently remind me over the next couple decades that it actually happened?”

Some teams are using the potential to forget about where a player signs to their advantage. The New York Jets entered free agency with roughly $40 million in available cap space. The woeful franchise has apparently been goading premier free agents into taking their money, while telling them not to worry about being a Jet.

“I mean most of these guys are going to forget they played with New York’s ‘lesser team’ in a Jersey stadium in the near future anyway,” said John Idzik of the Jets, “so we just remind them of that when we make our offer.”

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Why Is No One in the N.F.L. Scared of Showering with Darren Sharper?

Now that former N.F.L. star Darren Sharper has been charged with six counts of rape in two states, maybe we can have a conversation about locker room showers. Don’t worry, this won’t be NSFW. (Or maybe it will. I don’t choose the graphics, and my editor is kind of a pervert.)

Accusations against Sharper now include nine rapes in five states, including Florida, Nevada, and Arizona. Reportedly, in all of these instances, Sharper plied his victims with laced drinks, causing them to black out. Horrible if true, but it’s also a good segue to talk about Michael Sam, Jason Collins, and the changing nature of professional sports.

Let’s play a little thought experiment. Seriously, let’s say that Sharper comes out of retirement to pay his legal fees, and gets signed to a team by August. Would anyone on his team, anonymously or otherwise, comment on the prospect of showering with an accused rapist? Would EPSN devote 800 programming hours to breaking down the complexities of spending time day in and day out with someone who enjoys sexually assaulting unconscious women? Would the first topic on “Around the Horn” be a debate about whether Sharper’s teammates can trust him?

This isn’t some far-fetched scenario, sharing a locker room with an accused rapist. Just ask the Pittsburgh Steelers or the L.A. Lakers. Why did no one during the legal troubles of Ben Roethlisberger or Kobe Bryant say they no longer felt comfortable being naked around someone on trial for rape? Why were no sportswriters complaining about the unfairness of forcing a deviant lifestyle upon their teammates?

But we are having that conversation about a gay man, Michael Sam. Not a gay man on trial facing rape charges, mind you, just a gay man. Because apparently the 24% of NFL players say showering with a gay man would make them uncomfortable.

Those 24% aren’t, presumably, worried that Michael Sam is going to attempt to reenact “American History X” during their postgame shower. They’re afraid that Michael Sam will eye them a little too close, or perhaps make suggestive comments like the ones they throw at women all the time. “Damn, that ass fine,” or something like that. At best, the implication is that much of the sporting world is flatly misogynistic; violence against women is one thing, but how dare we make a man feel uncomfortable or insecure.

There’s no “locker room controversy” about an honest-to-god sexual deviant. People will condemn the guy personally, sure, but that’s as far as it goes. Criminal history or legal troubles aren’t taken as seriously as having to deal with law-abiding man who happens to be gay.

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PBS Pledge Drives Now Taking Bets on NFL Games

ARLINGTON, Va. — With corporate underwriters vanishing and its government funding under constant threat, PBS is hoping that introducing sports betting to its pledge drives will help keep its bookkeepers happy.

“We already have the infrastructure to handle the incoming calls, accept payments, and guilt the reluctant into paying up,” said PBS’s senior vice president of pledge strategy John Wilson. “Taking bets on football during pledge drives is a natural outgrowth of our commitment to keeping citizens informed on events and cultural touchstones.”

The new campaign will kick off on October 8 to coincide with the first of a two-part documentary series called “League of Denial: The NFL’s Concussion Crisis,” presented by PBS’s “Frontline” and, until recently, ESPN. The sports network suddenly decided to officially cut ties with the critical documentary after it came under pressure from the NFL, which feeds ESPN its popular football programming. The league just agreed to a $765 million settlement over a lawsuit filed by over 4,000 former players who claim that the league concealed known concussion risks for years.

“We at PBS are willing to bet that neither the journalism nor our bottom line will suffer as a result of the NFL’s offense, so long as viewers like you call with your continued pledge of support and point spread,” said Wilson. “Bookies are standing by with complimentary canvas gym bags as a small token of our thanks.”


Rex Ryan Tells Press That Jets Will Stick with Losing

EAST RUTHERSFORD, N.J. — During a press conference addressing the Jets’ ineffectiveness in their past few games, as well as their plan of attack for Sunday’s game against the Dolphins, Head Coach Rex Ryan assured the press that their game plan and approach would not waiver as the team moves forward. 

“Every week, it’s the same bunch of questions with you guys,” Ryan said. “‘Who’s going to play quarterback?’ ‘What are you going to do about the receivers, the offensive line, the declining defense?’ It’s driving me up the wall. We’re going to stick with losing – Mark [Sanchez] is going to get another start.”

Ryan held his ground, saying that until Sanchez starts to show some improvement, he’ll be the top choice for the Jets since “he’s been giving us the best shot at losing – and he’s been doing a great job so far.” He added that Tim Tebow will always be waiting in the wings to throw wild passes and lead some ineffective running plays. 

“Still, with our soft offensive line, shitty corps of receivers and sub-par group of running backs, the job is practically done for our QB’s as it is,” he said.

Ryan said that although there was a hiccup in the Jets’ blowout win over the Bills, their general game plan that he refuses to change has worked ever since, grabbing three decisive losses and a fluke victory ever since. 

“The Jets come from a tradition of losing, and I just have to thank our front office for making my job easy, giving me the personnel in all facets of the game to really start to drive this franchise into the toilet, the same way it was in the mid-1990s.”


Replacement NFL Referees Review Third Down Play, Overturn Citizens United

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — After nearly ten minutes of review following a critical third down play that was originally ruled a fumble on Panthers running back Deangelo Williams, referee Jim Core announced to a confused stadium that the Citizens United ruling of 2010 was, in fact, unconstitutional.

Core delivered the majority opinion, stating, “After further review, the ruling on the field has been overturned. The player retained control of the ball, and the concept of corporate personhood is inconsistent with the basic constitutional definition of the person.” Of course, immediate uproar followed, with Panthers fans applauding the landmark decision, which will certainly have far reaching legal and judicial implications, while irate Giants fans demanded that it was a fumble.

The replacement NFL officials, under strict scrutiny for their indecision and lack of experience while difficult bargaining talks go on with the regular NFL referee crews, apparently felt it was time to make a real statement and assert their authority.

“At first we were only trying to determine whether or not a fumble in fact occurred,” said line judge Joshua Thurow after the game. “But then we realized that, to truly judge a fumble one must be able to determine the exact instant possession is gained or lost, but there were no definite points indicating possession that weren’t arbitrary. If you can’t say exactly when the ball was lost, can you really call a fumble?”

The replacement refs reached back into Pop Warner Common Law, in which they are experts, and found that the idea of ‘possession’ as a definite state applies to teams having control of the ball, and was ultimately impossible to prove for individual players.
“Of course, we recognized the implications immediately,” said Thurow. “If possession of a ball was inherently different for a team as opposed to an individual, did that not also apply to possession of free speech and influence for corporations as opposed to individual citizens?” The play ultimately resulted in a scoring drive for Carolina.

Panther’s running back Deangelo Williams, who was originally charged with the fumble, said of the call, “Man, to me it’s a question you have to frame in the concept of free speech. It represents a divergence between positive and negative conceptions of liberty, and when you think of corporate money as necessarily limiting individual speech, then it becomes clear that there’s no way I fumbled.”