Today's Headlines World

Kim Jong Un Reportedly Suffers Complication Undergoing Liposuction to Feed His Starving Nation

PYONGYANG, North Korea — Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader of this poverty-stricken nation, is reportedly recovering from complications incurred while “giving his blood, sweat, tears, and rendered chin fat” back to his malnourished populace.

State television now reports that the “uncomfortable physical condition,” which kept the so-called “Great Successor” out of the public eye since September 3, was a side effect of Kim’s plan to feed his nation with the finest imported foods, albeit secondhand (and third chin).

Sources indicate that a team of private doctors had been flown in from abroad to handle Kim’s procedure at the elite Bonghwa Clinic. While also not yet verified, there has been speculation that Joan Rivers’ personal doctor was among them.

State-owned media has long trumpeted Kim’s willingness to sacrifice for the good of the nation. A documentary aired just before his notable absence from a meeting of the legislature showed Kim, 31, in “some discomfort” while limping through one of his many on-site visits.

The narrator of the propaganda film called “Improving the Lives of the People,” observed: “His whole body is drenched in sweat, but he does not stop working hard, instead showing concern for the health of the other workers.”

Workers in the footage can be seen suckling on Kim’s discarded sweat rags for sustenance.

Korea experts like Michael Madden initially suggested that, “Based on his gait, it appears he has gout – something [due to] diet and genetic predisposition that has affected other members of the Kim family.”

Added Madden, “My, what swollen ankles he had.” Now these same experts interpret the leader’s cankles in a new light. “All the better to feed his nation, were he to redistribute the fat, I suppose.”

Kim, whose weight has ballooned to an estimated 280 pounds, lives on a steady diet of rich food and drink—including copious amounts of imported Swiss cheese—all of which largely remains off limits to citizens.

South Korea’s largest newspaper reported Tuesday that Kim fractured both ankles under his enormous weight, indicating to his handlers that Kim’s fat was ready for reaping.

“We’re expecting a bumper crop from this year’s harvest,” exclaimed one North Korean farmer. Scratching his distended belly, he continued, “I could really go for some jowl meat about now.”

Today's Headlines World

North Korea Launches Nation’s First Christian Rock Station

SEOUL, South Korea — North Korea test-fired five missiles Thursday during Pope Francis’ visit to the South Korean capital, where he gave a speech promoting peace and diplomacy between the two regions.

Less than 24 hours prior, North Korea launched the nation’s first-ever Christian rock station, 103.2 Christ-Lite FM.

South Korean officials suspect that the missiles were launched after Pope Francis declined to be present at Christ-Lite FM’s launch party on Wednesday. Despite the launch of Christ-Lite FM, the Catholic Church of North Korea is not recognized by the Vatican.

The launch party featured more than a dozen karaoke renditions of Taylor Swift’s smash hit single “22,” all of which were sung by a 10-year-old Dennis Rodman impersonator.

Before test-firing the missiles, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un sent Pope Francis video footage from the event, along with a barely legible note that read, “FOMO much?” To this Pope Francis replied, “Does Taylor Swift even count as Christian Rock? This kid also looks nothing like Dennis Rodman.”

In a statement released Friday, Mr. Kim denied having ever invited Pope Francis to the launch party, and stated the launch of the missiles had nothing to do with Pope Francis’ visit to the South.

Added Kim, “Why of all the days of the year, as numerous as the hairs of a cow, did the pope choose to come to the South on the very day we had planned to test our rockets? And why in the world, with so many figureheads in the Vatican as there are cows in a milk factory, would we invite Pope Francis to our awesome party?”

Today's Headlines World

North Korea Deletes Facebook, LinkedIn of Purged Uncle

PYONGYANG, North Korea—In a drastic move reminiscent of Stalin’s Russia, the North Korean government has embarked on an Internet purge of Jang Sung-thaek, the former top government and party official who was executed Thursday. According to reports, party officials have edited and deleted hundreds of news articles that mention Jang, and have also deleted his Facebook and LinkedIn accounts.

Jang was one of the most powerful men in North Korea and uncle to Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un. But earlier this week, he was arrested and denounced in front of the Workers’ Party of Korea Politburo for numerous alleged acts against the state and Kim Jong Un.

North Korea announced that Jang had been executed on Thursday, calling him “worse than a dog” for “perpetrat[ing] thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him.”

Following the announcement, North Korea’s official news website was down for 45 minutes, and when it came back, articles that mentioned Jang were either deleted or edited to remove any references of him.

As an indication of how far North Korea’s government will go to purge the memory of the disgraced Jang, those connected to Jang’s social media profiles are reporting that his online life has also been erased.

“You can see it on my LinkedIn notifications: ‘Jang Sung-thaek, Vice Chairman of the National Defense Commission at DPR, has viewed your profile, 23 days ago,’ but when you click on it, it doesn’t go anywhere,” said Pak Ji-hoon, a South Korean diplomatic official. “It’s like we were never even connected.

“I heard the reports, so I feared the worst, but sometimes it isn’t real until their LinkedIn page is gone, you know?” Pak added.

The move is DPR’s first social media intervention since Kim Jung Un’s Twitter account was deleted in February following a tweet that read, “getting fuqed up on purp w/@dennisrodman #CapitalismAintAllBad.”