News Outlets Call Writing about Obama Drone War ‘Pure Torture’

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NEW YORK — Various media organizations have said that “it’s like…So. Hard.” to wade into the murky legal and journalistic waters that surround the Obama administration’s multi-continent drone strike program conducted on suspected terrorists, and that they would prefer to discuss the more cut-and-dry moralism of abusing detainees. Asked by discerning citizens if they would please devote more coverage to assassinations being…

Obama Pledges to Increase Drone Transparency, Destructive Capabilities

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WASHINGTON — Stating that his words have been taken out of context by the media, President Obama has clarified that he intends to increase transparency surrounding drone strikes, making the unmanned aerial vehicles “almost entirely see-through.” The Predator and Reaper drone models most commonly used to kill terrorists in Pakistan are easy to detect by radar and only travel at about 100…

Democrats Support Obama Dropping Torture for ‘More Humane’ Drone Killings

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WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders gathered today on the steps of the Capitol in a show of support for President Obama’s rejection of torture in favor of indiscriminate drone killings, saying it shows strength of moral character sorely lacking in today’s world. “America does not torture,” said newly confirmed Secretary of State John Kerry. “Previous administrations sullied our country’s name by refusing to…

Obama Creates Drone Rules, Exempts CIA Drone Attacks from Rules

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WASHINGTON — The Obama administration today announced the completion of a detailed counterterrorism playbook establishing clear rules for drone operations. Among the major tenants of the manual is the fact that CIA targeted-killing drone operations in Pakistan will be exempt from these rules. “War has changed and it’s vital that as we move forward, we follow rules of engagement that reflect our…