Nation Still Has No Idea What Obama “Moving Forward” to

WASHINGTON — The people of the United States are collectively beginning to realize that Obama’s popular phrase “Moving Forward” doesn’t really mean anything. While “forward” is generally regarded as one of the better directions by most people, they are still are not really sure what Obama is moving forward towards. Concern about the vague direction has increased after Obama released his revised…

Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Obama Campaign Attacks Paul Ryan’s Two First Names, Targets Dyslexic Vote

CHICAGO — A new advertisement released by the Obama campaign has chosen a unique way of criticizing Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan. The ad, entitled “Bad Education,” asserts that one of the primary reasons for Ryan’s selection was the vice presidential candidate’s “two first names.” “Governor Romney wants to confuse you,” the ad’s voice-over narration states. “He wants to insult and…

Delaware Legalizes Marriage Between Corporate Persons

DOVER, Del.—Corporate persons in Delaware are rejoicing today after Governor Jack Markell signed a bill officially recognizing marriage between corporations. “For too long corporations have been treated like second class citizens,” said Amy Haggardy, spokesperson for Corporations for Marriage Equality, on the steps of the Delaware statehouse. “Worse, in fact! They’ve been treated like gay citizens. But today Delaware makes history by…

Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.” As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what…

Leaked Obama Video: “I didn’t know America took ‘Yes We Can!’ so literally”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretly-recorded video footage of President Obama was leaked on Friday morning, revealing the shocking truth behind the infamous “Yes We Can” and “Hope” mantras of his historic 2008 campaign. The footage, taken backstage at this year’s Democratic National Convention, depicts the president preparing for his speech while aides adjust his tie and his top campaign advisor, David Axelrod, converses…