Obama Sure ‘Voicing His Concern’ Will End Syrian Chemical Weapon Attacks

WASHINGTON — In a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Monday, President Obama “voiced his concern” over reports that Syrian government forces have been using chemical weapons on their own people. Sources inside the White House indicate that the President is “pretty darn sure” that “making his concerns known” will be sufficient to end the massacres.” “It’s looking increasingly likely that…

Obama’s Budget Plan Offers Bipartisan Disappointment to All

Obama's Budget

WASHINGTON — The Obama Administration released the details of its 2014 budget plan this Wednesday, in what appeared to be an effort to gain absolutely nobody’s support. The Obama budget plan, released only weeks after Congress had finalized its own budget proposals, is very carefully architected to inspire equal amounts of disappointment and consternation in both liberals and conservatives. Obama himself has…

US to Provide Syrian Rebels with Black Powder and Muskets

WASHINGTON — Responding to the United States’ embarrassing history of providing military aid, only to have it eventually fall into the wrong hands, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced that the U.S. will be supporting Syrian rebels with antique muskets in lieu of the expected AK47s and surface-to-air Stinger missiles. “As a world force we have to lead by example,” Hagel explained Tuesday…

Obama to Give Romney “Loser’s Tour” of White House

WASHINGTON — In his acceptance speech Election Night, President Obama remarked that he’d hoped to meet with Republican challenger Mitt Romney in the near-future. Many pundits dismissed it as a fleeting gesture, but Obama followed up by inviting Romney to the White House for lunch Thursday. Obama advisor David Axelrod explained the invitation saying, “’The Loser’s Tour’ is a time-honored tradition. The…

Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

Obama-romney

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.” As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what…

Leaked Obama Video: “I didn’t know America took ‘Yes We Can!’ so literally”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretly-recorded video footage of President Obama was leaked on Friday morning, revealing the shocking truth behind the infamous “Yes We Can” and “Hope” mantras of his historic 2008 campaign. The footage, taken backstage at this year’s Democratic National Convention, depicts the president preparing for his speech while aides adjust his tie and his top campaign advisor, David Axelrod, converses…