“That is my solemn oath, and Americans know Ted Cruz always keeps his promises”
“It will be one of the first things I tackle upon taking office. That I promise you”
“The really devastating part is the fact that it’s all being done legally”
“I’ve thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that this is the only possible compromise for all parties involved”
Assuring the nation that the problematic rollout of the Affordable Care Act “will not be another Windows Vista” has proven difficult for DelBene, who has attempted to sweeten the deal by adding extra perks to the package of benefits.
October 1st, 2013 [the day the ACA went into effect] will, in time, be recognized as a much darker day, especially if Obamacare begins invading Eastern Europe before we’re ready to stop it.”
“I was a little surprised when I was told my approval rating among young voters is only 41 percent,” Obama admitted. “I guess there are more Myspace users out there than I realized.”
To dispel myths like these and proselytize Obamacare, the administration has tapped a Democratic “strike team” to give “the talk” to the nation’s schoolchildren.
“Obamacare is horrible, and I found myself desperate for an extra boost,” Radel admitted in a statement released today.
“This is nothing really,” Boehner said. “Take a look at nationwide ‘Sausage of the Month’ club memberships, and you’ll really see how grim these numbers are.”
“The president lied about Obamacare,” Gohmert said, “and now Israelis and Palestinians have to pay the price.”
“Trust me,” she added. “A couple of free blow-up dolls on the taxpayers’ dime are a hell of a lot cheaper than another syphilis outbreak clogging up the ER.”
“The delay will continue indefinitely, in six-week increments, until we see adequate movement in public support for the president’s policies,” threatened White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.
“It was like, one moment it’s just a normal day, and the next, completed signup forms are raining down from the sky and a whole building is enrolled in the president’s health care plan.”
When told that he had, in fact, championed shutting down the government unless Obamacare was defunded, Rubio adamantly shook his head. “No, I didn’t,” he said.
“The Affordable Care Act does not force doctors or anyone else to inject American citizens with AIDS. That’s… Christ, are we really discussing this? That’s beyond crazy. It’s, like, Alex Jones crazy.”
“They forced the President to kill Obamacare and replace it with the Affordable Care Act, they lowered taxes for the 1%, and they eliminated the Minimum Wage altogether.”
“It’s not entirely clear where this virus came from or who designed it,” Fourier said. “But we do know that it’s pissed off, and apparently listens to a significant amount of talk radio.”
“When Sarah Palin announced that Obamacare would allow doctors to decide whether old folks like me should live based on our productivity in society. That’s when I decided I would be an unproductive grandma and just wait it out.”
“These guys are just mean. I keep asking them to cut me some slack and let me turn the government back on, but they’re like big bullies. If they don’t get their shiny new toys like a de-funded Obamacare or massive cuts to Social Security and Medicare then they throw a fit.
“The greatest tragedy is that they never made it to the part where they buy insurance,” Secretary Sebelius said. “So they won’t be covered for these injuries.”
Ben Little, an expert on animal workers with the Institute of Animal Labor, said that SeaWorld’s decision represents the largest single layoff of marine life employees in American history.
“You’d think in the three years since Obamacare passed, they’d voice some sort of stance …”
“Now, neither Dr. Fata nor I read through all 10,000 pages of the regulations, but the stench of government overreach is unmistakable.”