“It would reduce pressure on the already tense relationship between white people and the black community”
“Worrying about terrorists and murderers is an act of lunacy, so I guess you know what that makes Andrea Mitchell then!”
Former governor Sarah Palin insisted today that the 35,000 Walruses who have migrated to Alaska amidst falling ice levels have come for the state’s right to work law.
“Everything Fox has told me to say, I’ve said. I think it’s high time they gave me a TV show where I can parrot their views and actually make a profit.”
“I just wanted the media to stop treating me like an airheaded bimbo,” said a distraught Palin, “and I figured making one of my predictions come true was a good place to start.”
“Miley Cyrus quit acting as Hannah Montana, Ted Cruz quit his filibuster and Edward Snowden quit America. These are people who are much easier to understand than some stay-in-the-job guy like Pope Francis seems to be.”
“More specifically, my tour bus,” Palin continued, “which will be driven by me, Mike Lee and Teddy Cruz.”
When Palin’s speaking limitations eventually became absolute in Kenosha, Wis., she realized she had to take a stand. “Nobody puts a kibosh on this pretty ol’ muzzle,” Palin remarked.
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Former Vice Presidential candidate and human caricature of misinformation Sarah Palin has confirmed the completion of a new reality show in which she travels across the heart of the United States with Representative Michele Bachmann, who takes on the roles of foolhardy sidekick and quirky racist. The program, which will air on FOX this October, will be named “Riding…