Biden Doing “P90X-press” in Preparation for VP Debate

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WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden has reportedly begun a truncated version of the popular home workout plan P90X to ready himself for his upcoming debate with Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan. Reports claim that Ryan, a vocal supporter and user of the P90X routine, has worried Biden with his youth, handsomeness, and physical fitness. The P90X plan is designed to…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Rogaine Backs Romney-Ryan Ticket

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NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…

Obama Campaign Attacks Paul Ryan’s Two First Names, Targets Dyslexic Vote

CHICAGO — A new advertisement released by the Obama campaign has chosen a unique way of criticizing Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan. The ad, entitled “Bad Education,” asserts that one of the primary reasons for Ryan’s selection was the vice presidential candidate’s “two first names.” “Governor Romney wants to confuse you,” the ad’s voice-over narration states. “He wants to insult and…

Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an “ugly mistress.” The text messages point to the Democrats’ constant condemnation of Wall St., but also expose the behind-closed-doors love affair taking place out of sight of Main Street, the Democrats’ longtime…