NEW YORK — Pfizer has come out with a new psychotropic that reportedly eliminates bothersome elements of the human condition, such as fleeting malaise, self-doubt, and concerns about mortality.
Marketers at Pfizer have dubbed the drug Edenify, in reference to the biblical Garden of Eden. In a press release, Pfizer described its new product “a potent psychotropic that manages to sweep patients into a blissful and shame-free state of mind, reminiscent of Paradise.”
Pfizer expects the drug to be a major seller, describing it in an e-blast to shareholders as “the king of all kings; the jackpot; the moneymaker.”
However, the medication’s release date has yet to be determined, as the Food and Drug Administration grapples with some of its more unfortunate side effects. High incidents of coma and death continue to appear in trial patients.
“We here at Pfizer are confident that Edenify will be approved by the FDA in no time,” said Brenda Mezzanini, a spokeswoman for Pfizer. “In fact, research has revealed that our comatose and dead trial patients were also the most successful at escaping the human condition. When surveyed, they demonstrated absolutely no signs of melancholy or fear of death, at an unprecedented 100% rate.”