Source: Trump Would Broaden The New York Times’ Perspective to Include the Batshit-Insane

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NEW YORK – According to sources, real estate mogul and reality-TV show host Donald Trump—who is reportedly exploring the possibility of purchasing the New York Times—would make dramatic changes to the famed paper’s editorial ethos. Central to Mr. Trump’s plan is “viewpoint inclusion,” most importantly the “disenfranchised voices of America” and the “totally batshit-insane.” “Mr. Trump believes the New York Times, being…

White House: Obama “Kill List” Assembled via Pin the Tail on the Donkey

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WASHINGTON — In a statement released today, the White House revealed the process by which individuals are added to the so-called “Kill List,” a controversial list of suspected terrorists and insurgents who are singled out for extrajudicial assassination—rather than capture and prosecution—because of their perceived threat to national security. The process, which is being variously called “ludicrous” and “genius,” bears a striking…

Congress Planning Sabbatical for 2013

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WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives and Senate today voted to take the year off in order to spend time with family, enroll in some online classes to further their education, and utterly avoid dealing with any of the enormous issues they would otherwise be expected to tackle. “It was brought to our attention that the American public is expecting…

McCain Willing to Trade Hagel Confirmation for Sleepover at White House

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WASHINGTON — Earlier this week, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) announced he had “significant doubts” about Obama’s choice of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb) for the Secretary of Defense position. Since then, however, McCain’s opposition appears to have softened considerably after closed-door talks with President Obama. While most experts assumed that the GOP was using Hagel’s appointment as a bargaining chip for spending cuts,…

Tea Party Groups Prepare for Inauguration of President Romney

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WASHINGTON — Representatives from Tea Party Patriots, Tea Party Express, and The Nationwide Tea Party Coalition have gathered in the heart of the Texas Panhandle to prepare for the festivities surrounding the inauguration of Republican Mitt Romney as President of the United States on Monday, January 21, despite numerous reports that Romney was not, in fact, elected. “It’s like a dream come…

Obama Discovers He’s Used Bush Foreign Policy Playbook Since 2008 Due to Clerical Error

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WASHINGTON — Faces were red with embarrassment in the Oval Office yesterday when White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco discovered that the Obama administration had been using the Bush Policy Playbook rather than their own since the President took office in 2008. “I found a big stack of papers in the back of a utilities closet labeled Bush ’04 Foreign…

Biden Declares “Mission Accomplished” After Gun Control Task Force Comes Up with an Idea

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WASHINGTON — Earlier today Vice President Joe Biden, the head of President Obama’s gun control task force, presented the President with the task force’s official findings- an idea on how to stop gun violence in America. Satisfied, President Obama announced that the gun control task force’s job is done congratulated Biden on a job well done. “The American people asked us in…