Source: Trump Would Broaden The New York Times’ Perspective to Include the Batshit-Insane

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NEW YORK – According to sources, real estate mogul and reality-TV show host Donald Trump—who is reportedly exploring the possibility of purchasing the New York Times—would make dramatic changes to the famed paper’s editorial ethos. Central to Mr. Trump’s plan is “viewpoint inclusion,” most importantly the “disenfranchised voices of America” and the “totally batshit-insane.” “Mr. Trump believes the New York Times, being…

White House: Obama “Kill List” Assembled via Pin the Tail on the Donkey

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WASHINGTON — In a statement released today, the White House revealed the process by which individuals are added to the so-called “Kill List,” a controversial list of suspected terrorists and insurgents who are singled out for extrajudicial assassination—rather than capture and prosecution—because of their perceived threat to national security. The process, which is being variously called “ludicrous” and “genius,” bears a striking…

Congress Planning Sabbatical for 2013

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives and Senate today voted to take the year off in order to spend time with family, enroll in some online classes to further their education, and utterly avoid dealing with any of the enormous issues they would otherwise be expected to tackle. “It was brought to our attention that the American public is expecting…

McCain Willing to Trade Hagel Confirmation for Sleepover at White House

WASHINGTON — Earlier this week, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) announced he had “significant doubts” about Obama’s choice of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb) for the Secretary of Defense position. Since then, however, McCain’s opposition appears to have softened considerably after closed-door talks with President Obama. While most experts assumed that the GOP was using Hagel’s appointment as a bargaining chip for spending cuts,…

Tea Party Groups Prepare for Inauguration of President Romney

WASHINGTON — Representatives from Tea Party Patriots, Tea Party Express, and The Nationwide Tea Party Coalition have gathered in the heart of the Texas Panhandle to prepare for the festivities surrounding the inauguration of Republican Mitt Romney as President of the United States on Monday, January 21, despite numerous reports that Romney was not, in fact, elected. “It’s like a dream come…

Obama Discovers He’s Used Bush Foreign Policy Playbook Since 2008 Due to Clerical Error

WASHINGTON — Faces were red with embarrassment in the Oval Office yesterday when White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco discovered that the Obama administration had been using the Bush Policy Playbook rather than their own since the President took office in 2008. “I found a big stack of papers in the back of a utilities closet labeled Bush ’04 Foreign…

Biden Declares “Mission Accomplished” After Gun Control Task Force Comes Up with an Idea

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WASHINGTON — Earlier today Vice President Joe Biden, the head of President Obama’s gun control task force, presented the President with the task force’s official findings- an idea on how to stop gun violence in America. Satisfied, President Obama announced that the gun control task force’s job is done congratulated Biden on a job well done. “The American people asked us in…

Congress Approaches “Sandy Cliff,” Mandated Destruction of Jersey Homes by Vikings

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WASHINGTON — Responding to the blistering charges of negligence made by Governor Chris Christie earlier this week, Congress has passed a bill mandating that New Jersey and New York receive federal funding for Hurricane Sandy relief programs by February 15, or else Vikings will be sent to visit destruction upon the homes of state residents. The media has already labeled the February…

GOP Show Sympathetic Side with Billionaire Relief Bill

WASHINGTON – After receiving negative press as well as rebukes from some of their own members over the House’s initial refusal to take up the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill, Republican leadership today switched gears and introduced the Relief For Important People Act, a bill intended to show that they care about their fellow man. “When our caucus chose to table the Hurricane…

Republicans and Democrats Unite Against Privacy, Extend FISA to 2017

WASHINGTON – After spending the majority of December in fierce opposition over the fiscal cliff, Democrats and Republicans have finally found an issue to unite behind: the federal government’s continued right to spy on Americans. On Friday, senators voted overwhelmingly to extend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), which was expanded by the Bush administration in 2008 to allow for the warrantless…

NRA Counters Gun Buybacks with Assault Rifle Giveaway

LOS ANGELES – After a hugely successful one-day gun buyback event in Los Angeles saw over 2,000 firearms – including 75 assault weapons and two rocket launchers – being returned in exchange for gift cards, the National Rifle Association sought to further its own cause by giving away hundreds of assault rifles with no restrictions or background checks. “It’s insanity to be…

Nation Shocked Members of Congress are Still Employed

WASHINGTON – With the fiscal cliff debacle, consistent bi-partisan stalemates, and the overall inability to complete a task, Americans are appalled that these idiots in Congress are still employed. “If I came into my janitorial job at the elementary school and didn’t mop up the vomit, I would be canned,” said Ryan Martin of Fort Worth, Texas. “These guys get to take…

Travelocity Offers Congress a “Fiscal Cliff Discount”

SOUTHLAKE, Texas — Taking advantage of the country’s dire financial situation along with politicians abundance of vacation time, online travel company Travelocity is offering Congress a groundbreaking promotional offer. Members of Congress have come under fire recently for going on vacation when the country is on the verge of a fiscal cliff.  “Travelocity is offering members of Congress a fiscal cliff discount…

Disgraced Congressmen Lead “Scared Straight” Seminar for Incoming Legislators

WASHINGTON — Taking a page from the NFL’s playbook, on Friday Congress hosted its first ever “Scared Straight” seminar to warn freshman members about the pitfalls of sexting and governance. Keynote speakers Anthony Weiner and Chris Lee, both of whom resigned following embarrassing sexting scandals, addressed the incoming congressmen about the dangers and temptations that come with life as an intensely scrutinized, physically-fit public figure.…