TSA to Put Knife Ban on Hold for Now, Bans on Killer Animals Still Lifted

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WASHINGTON — The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has temporarily backpedaled on its decision to allow small knives on airlines, a decision which had come under much scrutiny in recent days. However, the TSA has also adamantly refused to issue any hold on the transportation of potentially hazardous animals in the cabin of commercial airlines, which includes fearsome predators such as tigers and bears.…

Absence of Gaza Craigslist a “Roadblock to Peace,” Casual Encounters

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GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Hamas today expressed outrage at Craigslist’s unwillingness to maintain a local site for their Gaza territory, calling it “a roadblock to peace in the Middle East.” “It’s unfair that they only have a site for the West Bank,” proclaimed Sami Abu Zuhri, chief spokesman for the terrorist governing body Hamas, which controls the Palestinian Gaza Strip. “It’s…

Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

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WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Congress Planning Sabbatical for 2013

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WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives and Senate today voted to take the year off in order to spend time with family, enroll in some online classes to further their education, and utterly avoid dealing with any of the enormous issues they would otherwise be expected to tackle. “It was brought to our attention that the American public is expecting…

As Doping Scandal Unfolds, a Skeptical Public Wonders if Lance Armstrong Ever Really Had Cancer

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PLANO, Texas — In the wake of Lance Armstrong’s reported admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his accomplished cycling career, many are left to wonder about the veracity of other public statements he has made, including those in which he claimed to be afflicted with life-threatening testicular cancer. Michael Donahue, owner of Mike’s Bikes in Portland, Oregon, is one of the…

Obama Nominates War on Terror as CIA Director

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WASHINGTON — Despite attempts during his first term to disassociate himself from the Bush administration’s counterterrorist philosophies, President Obama has nominated the War on Terror as the next Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. The decision came as a surprise, as the Obama administration has carefully removed the name “War on Terror” from its lexicon. However, the nominee’s strong endorsement of targeted…

Governor Christie and Mayor Booker to Force More of Themselves on Everyone in 2013

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TRENTON, N.J.  —  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Newark Mayor Cory Booker both plan on rolling out new brand initiatives in 2013 that will continue to push both politicians down people’s throats all the way through the 2016 presidential election. Each Garden State politician is offering a special gift in exchange for donations to their widely-assumed 2016 Presidential bids. Governor Christie…