TSA to Put Knife Ban on Hold for Now, Bans on Killer Animals Still Lifted

WASHINGTON — The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has temporarily backpedaled on its decision to allow small knives on airlines, a decision which had come under much scrutiny in recent days. However, the TSA has also adamantly refused to issue any hold on the transportation of potentially hazardous animals in the cabin of commercial airlines, which includes fearsome predators such as tigers and bears.…

Absence of Gaza Craigslist a “Roadblock to Peace,” Casual Encounters

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Hamas today expressed outrage at Craigslist’s unwillingness to maintain a local site for their Gaza territory, calling it “a roadblock to peace in the Middle East.” “It’s unfair that they only have a site for the West Bank,” proclaimed Sami Abu Zuhri, chief spokesman for the terrorist governing body Hamas, which controls the Palestinian Gaza Strip. “It’s…

Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Congress Planning Sabbatical for 2013

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives and Senate today voted to take the year off in order to spend time with family, enroll in some online classes to further their education, and utterly avoid dealing with any of the enormous issues they would otherwise be expected to tackle. “It was brought to our attention that the American public is expecting…

As Doping Scandal Unfolds, a Skeptical Public Wonders if Lance Armstrong Ever Really Had Cancer

balls

PLANO, Texas — In the wake of Lance Armstrong’s reported admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his accomplished cycling career, many are left to wonder about the veracity of other public statements he has made, including those in which he claimed to be afflicted with life-threatening testicular cancer. Michael Donahue, owner of Mike’s Bikes in Portland, Oregon, is one of the…

Obama Nominates War on Terror as CIA Director

war-on-terror

WASHINGTON — Despite attempts during his first term to disassociate himself from the Bush administration’s counterterrorist philosophies, President Obama has nominated the War on Terror as the next Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. The decision came as a surprise, as the Obama administration has carefully removed the name “War on Terror” from its lexicon. However, the nominee’s strong endorsement of targeted…

Cursing and Public Shaming Viewed as Step Up in Political Discourse

WASHINGTON – Last week marked perhaps one of the most acrimonious weeks in political discourse the United States has seen in years. Following Chris Christie’s public shaming of Congress, and John Boehner reportedly telling Harry Reid to go fuck himself in the heat of the fiscal cliff debate, inter and intra-party tensions appear to be escalating. However, many Americans are calling for…

Governor Christie and Mayor Booker to Force More of Themselves on Everyone in 2013

TRENTON, N.J.  —  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Newark Mayor Cory Booker both plan on rolling out new brand initiatives in 2013 that will continue to push both politicians down people’s throats all the way through the 2016 presidential election. Each Garden State politician is offering a special gift in exchange for donations to their widely-assumed 2016 Presidential bids. Governor Christie…

Congress Plans to Begin Debt Ceiling Negotiations One Hour Before Deadline

obama-boehner

WASHINGTON — In a joint statement, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid today announced that both chambers of Congress will begin debating and negotiating a solution to the looming debt ceiling crisis exactly one hour before the crisis hits and destroys the American economy. “Secretary Geithner has informed us that while the government reached the debt…

GOP Show Sympathetic Side with Billionaire Relief Bill

WASHINGTON – After receiving negative press as well as rebukes from some of their own members over the House’s initial refusal to take up the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill, Republican leadership today switched gears and introduced the Relief For Important People Act, a bill intended to show that they care about their fellow man. “When our caucus chose to table the Hurricane…

NRA Counters Gun Buybacks with Assault Rifle Giveaway

LOS ANGELES – After a hugely successful one-day gun buyback event in Los Angeles saw over 2,000 firearms – including 75 assault weapons and two rocket launchers – being returned in exchange for gift cards, the National Rifle Association sought to further its own cause by giving away hundreds of assault rifles with no restrictions or background checks. “It’s insanity to be…

God Reportedly Tells Michele Bachmann to Shut Up

WOODBURY, Minn. — Minnesota Republican Representative Michele Bachmann, famous for comparing herself to mass murderer John Wayne Gracey and for allegedly receiving all of her political positions from conversations with God, has remained noticeably quiet since the outcome of the 2012 presidential election. The former outspoken politician, who explained that getting rid of minimum wage would eliminate unemployment and that not all…

Travelocity Offers Congress a “Fiscal Cliff Discount”

SOUTHLAKE, Texas — Taking advantage of the country’s dire financial situation along with politicians abundance of vacation time, online travel company Travelocity is offering Congress a groundbreaking promotional offer. Members of Congress have come under fire recently for going on vacation when the country is on the verge of a fiscal cliff.  “Travelocity is offering members of Congress a fiscal cliff discount…

Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

sam-pissed

Dear Pissed Connections, My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other just over a year. Recently she went out to a bar for her friend Amy’s birthday and came back to my place pretty wasted. (Fortunately I benefited from this with some steamy drunk sex). But the next morning, she told me she had hooked up with some chick at the…

Republicans and Democrats Start Grooming 2036 Candidates

2036-election

WASHINGTON — “He just looks presidential” an unnamed Democratic strategist said about Henry Lopez, a 5th grader at Arlington’s Calvin Coolidge Elementary. With the 2036 election a mere 24 years away Democrats are already eyeing potential candidates. Lopez starting gaining national attention after the Democratic National Committee came across the completed version of his school essay “What I Would Do as President.”…

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…

Greece to Return to Classical Era

ATHENS – The Hellenic Parliament of Greece has unanimously voted to activate a time machine that will return the nation of Greece to its cultural and political zenith of 411 B.C. Greece, which has struggled for years with a destabilizing debt crisis and soaring unemployment, was once the birthplace of democracy and Western Civilization, home to the great minds of Socrates, Aristotle,…

“MTV Cribs: Backpage.com’s Jim Larkin” — The House That Human Trafficking Built

Human-trafficing-cribs

PHOENIX – A special edition of the popular MTV program “Cribs” has gone inside the home of Jim Larkin, co-owner of the controversial classifieds site, Backpage.com. Despite myriad reports of prostitution and human trafficking advertisements on the site – often involving minors — Backpage.com has earned Larkin millions and allowed him to live a life usually reserved for top-tier celebrities and Fortune…

Congress Votes to Change Definition of “Bribery”

WASHINGTON – The Senate and House of Representatives voted this morning to radically alter the legal ramifications of “bribery” in an effort to exempt themselves, major lobbyists, and corporations from legal action. The legal definition of “bribery” formerly recognized the act as “the offering, giving, receiving, or soliciting of something of value for the purpose of influencing the action of an official…

Undecided Voter Goes With Obama after Scarlett Johansson Endorsement

DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…

“Times are Tough” Says Man Speaking to $20,000-a-Plate Crowd

ATLANTA — The nation’s crippling economic downturn has ushered in unprecedented levels of unemployment, home foreclosure, and bankruptcy. No one understands the pain of average Americans struggling with hunger, joblessness, and underemployment better than the $20,000-a-plate crowd that packed the Atlanta Sheraton ballroom on Sunday night to hear Democratic Senator John Barrow speak. “Times are tough,” said Barrow to the besieged elites…

TLC: We Love You, but Seriously?

TLC is one of the most popular networks on cable television, housing some of the most watched shows of this year and years past. But what is America really “learning” from The Learning Channel? We have absolutely no idea. The Exploitation Channel is probably a more accurate name, and if TLC would just own up to it, we’d be okay with that.…

Koch Brothers Re-appropriate “Stop Snitchin’” Campaign

WICHITA, Kansas — For industrial magnates Charles and David Koch, using their wealth to influence public opinion on anthropogenic global warming and the environmental impact of petroleum-based industry is nothing new. But now the Koch brothers are experimenting with a new tactic by collaborating with rapper Cam’ron. The brothers’ latest scheme involves Cam’ron’s 2004 “Stop Snitchin’” campaign, which urged Baltimore residents to…