Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…

CIA Resorts to Stealing Citizens’ Identities After Budget Cuts

LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has…

Bloomberg Asks for Creation of “Nanny-In-Chief” Cabinet Position, Nominates Self

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…

Rogaine Backs Romney-Ryan Ticket

Romney-rogaine

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…

Congressional Candidate Deemed Racist After “Black Friend” Refuses to Defend Him

BISMARCK, N.D. — North Dakota electoral politics are not known for their sprawling diversity, but race has recently taken a front seat in the state’s lone congressional battle. During a town hall debate Monday with Democratic challenger Tim Bennet, Republican candidate Roy McCanlis struggled to explain how his policies would lead to a more inclusive North Dakota. “That is a great question,”…