WASHINGTON, D.C. — An aide working in the White House has come forward, on the basis of anonymity, with new claims that Barack and Michelle Obama have a “swingers club” with global music superstars Beyoncé and Jay-Z. The two couples, arguably two of the most powerful on the planet, have enjoyed a highly publicized friendship since the Grammy winners supported the President…
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…
LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…
NEW YORK — Michael Bloomberg is looking into several alternative methods to allow himself to serve as Mayor of New York City for a fourth term, Bloomberg aides revealed today under condition of anonymity. While Bloomberg was able to convince the New York City Council to amend the city’s term limit law and thereby gain a third term as mayor, many close…
NEW YORK — Participants in the Occupy Wall Street anniversary reoccupation on September 17 have reportedly been left with a sour taste in their mouths after discovering that many friends left Zuccotti Park early to camp out for the new Apple iPhone. Mark Randolph, a longtime supporter of the Occupy Wall Street movement who occupied the Park for nearly two months in…
BISMARCK, N.D. — North Dakota electoral politics are not known for their sprawling diversity, but race has recently taken a front seat in the state’s lone congressional battle. During a town hall debate Monday with Democratic challenger Tim Bennet, Republican candidate Roy McCanlis struggled to explain how his policies would lead to a more inclusive North Dakota. “That is a great question,”…
